<p>My D who is fairly quiet seems to have made herself quite comfortable 2nd semester. We were wondering if things would feel odd to her with no football to anchor her social activities. I envisioned weekends of her staying in her dorm. Well, she has made plans to room with 2 friends next year and has been hanging with them quite a bit. She’s hosted a get together in her dorm and mentioned to me that her “group” will be having a Valentine’s Day party. I think she’s gone out almost every Friday this semester, even (gasp!) staying out till 1:30. </p>
<p>As far as classes go, she is so happy that she’s taking 3 in her major this semester. And she’s looking forward to a study abroad program this summer. She’s active in a few groups on campus & is awaiting word on whether she will get invited to interview for a campus ambassador program.</p>
<p>Coming home at Christmas was interesting for her. She’s definitely moved on from HS; she and her old friends were going back and forth trying to get together, but didn’t spend much time together. Don’t think she thought it was worth the effort; she sees herself as part of her college community now.</p>
<p>Mannix: has your D had any counseling for the anxiety? I had worries about my D going off to school & being out of her comfort zone. I had her see someone a few times but by the time I got my act together it was June. I was kicking myself because they did some good work in a short time & I realized I should have taken her much earlier. Just something to consider…</p>
<p>Re: the drinking- it is NOT the same everywhere.</p>
<p>Yes, every college campus will have kids who drink. But the drinking cultures of different campuses vary dramatically- search some of the older threads that go into detail about the colleges where the drinking culture is pervasive and those where it is not.</p>
<p>If your child is telling you that the drinking is making him/her uncomfortable, I would not be inclined to dismiss this as just another symptom of adjustment. I know adults who transferred out of heavy drinking schools after Freshman year and report that the next three years were heavenly. I know current college kids who left schools where the social life revolves around getting drunk Thursday-Sunday night and they’ve also found their niche somewhere else.</p>
<p>All colleges have kids who drink- but not every college abandons the non-drinkers to find each other.</p>
<p>NO, not all colleges have substance free dorms. The drinking situation is one big reason I had d apply to a few schools. These are schools where the main complaint about the school on another site’s reviews are the lack of a drinking culture. Since my d is totally against a partying type of school (she has grown up with adults drinking but nobody ever getting sloppy drunk and her only experiences with that -hotels and cruise ships- have convinced her it is a really dumb idea). I am hopeful she will like the one school on her upcoming visit. She is visiting on a Friday and staying overnight so she will get a true flavor of the school.</p>
<p>Mannix… hopefully the sport will help with your D. My D didnt do many overnights either… she also ended up with a single ( not her choice… freshman dorms with singles…) and the school did NOTHING to help the kids in singles make friends in the dorms.</p>
<p>She asked for an all female floor, and she got it…BUT her RA is male and lives on another floor… </p>
<p>Where ever you daughter chooses, i would just inquire about the housing.</p>
<p>blossom, we were told that although there is a strong drinking culture at the school my D attends, there was a lot to do for non-drinkers. There are things to do, but mostly they are academic things and not social things. I think the substance free dorm will at least put her with like minded people.</p>
<p>abasket… whether niche or inched… it is in the right direction! :)</p>
<p>abasket - yes, before the Jan 1 deadlines, she did, on her own, decide to add a few schools that are closer to home. That is telling, I think. Unfortunately, because they are late additions, there is no guarantee that the sports will work out there for her, and the other thing is that she is stressing because her two EA schools, which were supposed to be safeties, ended up as deferrals. There aren’t any extended deadlines for more safeties anywhere close to home. So the stress builds.</p>
<p>I just think that picturing herself at college in just a few short months is… well, she hasn’t been able to “see it” yet. She is at such a crossroads with her maturity level (in some areas, so mature, in others, not so much). I think it’s interesting that she is very well aware that she has these transition issues, so I think the worry about the “what ifs” is piling on to the stress level even more. That’s why I wonder about what else we might do to ease the transition. </p>
<p>I agree that more visits (post-acceptances, if there are any!!) will be a good idea. I also like your idea, RobD, about counseling. I have mentioned counseling in the past for her anxiety about everything, and she says “when the heck do I have time for that???” It’s true her schedule is grueling (all these kids are in the same boat, it’s crazy), but I think you are right that maybe we have to insist on it. Not sure where to look for that though; her GC is not a good option for giving direction there.</p>
<p>mannix: ask your pediatrician for a recommendation. That’s how we found ours. She only met with her for an hour at a time; probably 4 times maximum. FWIW, my D was also young for our area to graduate (but not where we had started school.) I don’t think her age is so much of an issue now that she’s settled, but it might have been an issue during the transition.</p>
<p>Still not sure about S. Academics are going quite well, but the school doesn’t seem to be a good fit. In particular, he doesn’t get along great with the kids who do the activity he loves. They’ve done a bunch of obnoxious hazing type things, some of which he’s gone along with and some of which he hasn’t. Unfortunately, he’s totally committed to the activity, so there’s no getting away from them. He doesn’t have much of a base outside of the activity.</p>
<p>He’s planning on filing transfer applications, but feels funny about it, since there’s nothing wrong with the school. It’s hard to know whether he’s just bring problems with him if he transfers, or if he could find a place that truly fits him better. </p>
<p>I’ve felt about visits that they’re a double edged sword. It’s good to see them, but it also takes them out of their routine and seems to make the adjustment that much harder. S’s hardest times have been after we visited.</p>
<p>A cautionary tale:
I entered the state flagship university immediately after high school and was not that happy my freshman year. My best friends had gone to private universities and they kept telling me that the problem was that I was matriculating at a large state university and what I really needed to do was transfer to a small private university or college. I believed them and told my parents, who supported me (probably too quickly and unquestioningly) in transferring to a small private college that I had chosen. It was a decent school, academically and socially, though a bit expensive, but I stil felt unhappy. Then I took a course far outside my major and thoroughly enjoyed it, to the point I had a Eureka moment – the problem was my major, not my school. So I transferred back to the more economical flagship U and changed majors and then everything went smoothly.</p>
<p>Have any of the homesick students considered rushing fraternities/sororities? That might be the ticket to feeling included and part of something bigger than themselves.</p>
<p>S was totally not interested in Frats - at his school apparently most frats = drinking. The whole “Thirsty Thursday” and everything. I do hear though that there is one greek group - both guys and girls - that is more service oriented. Maybe he would consider that.</p>
<p>Rushing can be a two-edged sword. My daughter, her roommate and suite-mate just went through rush. All 3 landed in sororities they are happy with (3 different sororities). However, about 10% of the girls who entered rush dropped out, either because they just didn’t like the whole experience or because they got “cut” by the sororities they wanted to join. D’s college goes to great pains to ensure that there is a spot for everyone who wants to pledge a sorority - it’s a multi-phased mutual selection process, and if there are 400 rushees and 8 sororities, then every sorority has to accept 50 girls. I do not know if all colleges work that way - it could be that at some schools, sororities can decide they’re only accepting 20 girls no matter how many rush. And even with the “place for everyone” philosophy, there are inevitably a few girls who get cut by a group they had wanted to join and there’s no way not to take that personally. It can be very demoralizing.</p>
<p>I’d say for 75 - 90% of the girls who rush at D’s college, it ends up as a great experience. But I have no idea if the percentages are that high at other colleges.</p>
<p>Had a call this afternoon from my rarely calling son. In fact, he calls so rarely, that I nearly panicked when I saw his number on caller i.d. in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. Turned out that it was a good call: he had just attended a meeting for a May interim class and was excited about a geology trip to the Grand Canyon, etc. Not only was he excited about the May class, he had finally gone to the career center and is getting help on his resume so he can apply for a summer job that would be in-line with the May class. His current geology class is both his hardest and so far, his favorite, class this term. He also is planning his classes for next fall, so I guess, at least for now, he has given up his thoughts of transferring.</p>
<p>Thanks for the thumbs up. I have to keep reminding myself not to worry when he sounds grumpy and not to get too excited when he sounds happy. I am sure that he will continue to have his ups and downs. He complained so much about his roommate but when we took him back to school after his monthlong break, they seemed to be getting along just fine. Now his big issue will probably be whether to change his major to geology or stay in film studies. I can’t see a double major in those two areas. Hopefully, he will figure it out without missing any prerequisites.</p>