<p>Gonna cross my fingers on that picklemom!!!</p>
<p>Don’t want to open a can of worms here, but Most colleges have very active student groups associated with local churches, synagogues, etc., and from my experience these groups tend to be quite warm and welcoming, perhaps less cliquish than other student groups might be, and they tend to have a lot of activities. Is this an option for any of the students here who are having a hard time connecting with others? </p>
<p>Fortunately, my D has made a smooth transition as a freshman this year, but she’s an introvert and it could have gone either way. I could just as likely have been a poster here asking for help for my beautiful child, so I really feel the “mommy” pain in many of the posts here. If my D had found herself isolated, however, I would have insisted that she check out the local church of our faith. Mind you, we aren’t terribly devout people, not even regular church-goers, but such groups often have volunteer/community projects they are involved in – particularly on college campuses – which gets the kids up and out, and sometimes seeing/helping with someone else’s life challenges gives us perspective on our own. Just a thought.</p>
<p>Picklemom, hoping she starts to feel like she is making progress. What about her major? Are there clubs, or groups around that? Perhaps volunteer opportunities where groups of kids do a community service activity?</p>
<p>I know that this is as stressful for you as it is for her.</p>
<p>My S has been going to youth service each Sunday he has been on campus. He is used to a Catholic mass and prefers that I think - the first Sunday they had a bus going to the local Catholic church w/any interested students - he was so pumped up to go! Unfortunately, while he was in the shower to get ready for church, his roommate locked them both out of the room and by the time they got back in he missed the bus by a couple minutes - he was so bummed! Again, the effort has been there. He has not heard of another opportunity for the Catholic mass. </p>
<p>Good reminder though to have him check those options out again.</p>
<p>DS did a study abroad semester last spring in Barcelona. He didn’t know a soul going - he didn’t know a soul in all of Europe. He was SO excited to go anyway, but after about 2 weeks the bloom was off the rose. He had chosen the “dorm” option (instead of a home stay or apartment), so he was in a Spanish dorm with a dozen other Americans on his floor. Apparently all of those kids picked Barcelona because of its nightlife, but clubs are not S’s thing, and most of them had come with a couple of friends so they had built-in cliques. He complained that the program did very little to help the kids meet each other, and they were dispersed all over the city so it was hard. S is a pretty independent guy, but eventually even Mr Independent got lonely. He spent most of the semester hanging out with a couple of girls, which sounds great but he quickly tired of being the “token guy.” Finally, more than halfway thru the semester he went on a weekend trip and met some kids he really connected with, including one guy who he became fast friends with. Turns out these kids and the friend were in one of his classes all along, but S never figured out they were his type or reached out to them until the semester was 2/3 gone.</p>
<p>So… eventually, most kids do meet kids they can connect with. It’s hard, as a parent, to hear our child be sad - especially when there’s nothing we can really do to help them. Pursuing activities your kid enjoys is about the best advice I can give, eventually if they are open to new people and situations, something will “click” somewhere. </p>
<p>I second the motion to seek out a religious group if your child has been reared in a faith tradition. They do tend to be very welcoming and run lots of social events. Even if your kid doesn’t stay in the group, they may meet some non-partiers or friendly kids who will introduce them to other kids in other activities they are involved in.</p>
<p>abasket, perhaps if your S checks with the chaplain’s office they will be aware of busses or carpools to Mass?</p>
<p>My D finally had an epiphany during her study abroad semester the fall of junior year. She has always been introverted & wouldn’t reach out to others. When she went to Scotland for study abroad, she was entirely on her own. For some reason, she decided it was time to reach out to others … and she was very pleasantly surprised to find that others welcomed her efforts. She made some excellent friends, and she became the social director for their trips - a first for her. When she returned to the states, this new-found self confidence paid off. She has blossomed in so many ways.</p>
<p>Some kids take longer than others to learn to reach out beyond themselves. Others never do become comfortable reaching out … but they can become comfortable with themselves as they are. A good friend of mine is not comfortable in social situations - never has been. However, she is cool with being the way she is. She doesn’t need a bunch of friends, and she is quite content with her life. It took her a long time to become comfortable with being the outsider … but she no longer considers herself the outsider … instead, she is happy being who she is.</p>
<p>P.S. No Catholic church nearby??? I live in the midwest … they are everywhere! Does the campus have a Newman group?</p>
<p>Yes, we are in the midwest too and yes, there is a catholic church in town, but not walking distance so there was a bus to take them off campus. Not sure about Newman club there - but am aware of them on other campuses in the state so will encourage a check on this. </p>
<p>See? We don’t give up, we don’t give in, but it is SO helpful to have a place to voice this concern and not be alone. Thank you CC people! I can only talk to my husband so much about it - I know this all bothers him too, but he gets too upset if we discuss it too much - guess it’s a guy thing - how they say that guys feel like they have to provide a solution!</p>
<p>Where do you meet people as an adult? At work! Encourage your child to get a job. On-campus, off-campus, doesn’t matter, but on-campus is better because he/she would be working with other students. A few hours of work never hurt anybody, and is a lot better than sitting in a room alone on a Friday night.</p>
<p>I could absolutely relate to how I would feel if my kid were in this situation. It is so hard to be far away and to know they are sad.</p>
<p>I would focus on the fact that it can take awhile to ‘find your people’ and meanwhile, there are lots of things you can do to fill time, and feel like you are working at it. I think it means two things: 1) doing as many activities as you can find where you are increasing the odds of meeting others and 2) engaging in some proactive specific behaviors (which are not always easy!). </p>
<p>For activities, so many good ideas suggested already: Attending clubs, societies, places of worship or other volunteer organizations. Buying tickets and going to social events. Getting a job. Working out at the gym. Maybe you can help make a list with her? Give her ideas and the hope that its just around the corner.</p>
<p>But its not enough just to show up. She might have to reach out and maybe you can help brainstorm ways she can do this. At meals, how does she strike up conversations? Can she go next door and ask her neighbors for some help with something? Can she offer to study for the upcoming exam with someone in her class? Maybe help her things she can do to connect her to people and maybe even set up goals (if she goes to the party, maybe she decides she’s going to talk to five people at least before she decides to thrown in the towel). </p>
<p>finally I just want to add tat if she worries about the long open weekend, maybe she should build a schedule and keep herself busy. From thsi hour to this hour, study x y and z in the open study space or at a communal library table (NOT in her room!). From x to y, work out at the gym. And so on. With some ingenuity she can actually feel really busy and ‘out there’ without actually having friends yet and it will take the edge off the loneliness. </p>
<p>One task she might find very useful on a long Saturday or at a party: her goal can be to seek out and befriend the person sitting or standing alone at the party (or standing just outside of a circle trying to look like they belong), the person who looks like they’ve been walking along time by themselves, the person who is always studying alone in the common room etc… If she starts to look for them, I will bet she’ll see she has plenty of company but doesn’t yet realize it! And just one good friend will make a gigantic difference. </p>
<p>Wishing her the best of luck through this icky part! Let us know how she si doing. It will pass!</p>
<p>My daughter, a classic introvert who spent much of her high school time in her room, has seemingly adapted to college life far better than I would have imagined. She had acceptances the full length of the west coast but instead chose a school in the midwest. I’ve only spoken to her once in two weeks and received a text last night about a club she joined (that apparently meets in cafes after midnight) and all the people she had met. When the school put her in a single I urged her to keep her door open and find someone to eat with. I had visions of her holed up in her room. Hasn’t happened, thankfully.</p>
<p>She has complained about noise in the common room and unexpected boys in the very small bathroom. She does seem tired. The people she is hanging out with are not girls from her suite and I think that is affecting her comfort level at approaching them to be quieter or to have the boys use their own bathroom.</p>
<p>I’ve always thought that she would love this school but may be driven insane by the small town amenities (no Thai food!!). Time will tell. I told her ahead of time that there will be a moment when she thinks she made the wrong choice and to accept the panicky feeling as normal. There would be no talk of transferring until deadlines for such started approaching next year. Getting to this school was an expensive and arduous road, starting way back in April of 2009. It will be on her to make all the right decisions that lead to a successful transfer if/when that looks likely. All students need to throw themselves into their work now to make sure they have the options they want later. Getting the “101s” done is often a chore anywhere and then things start looking interesting.</p>
<p>The job idea may be a good option for those who are feeling like they have black holes of time in their schedules. I had a job in the library on Friday nights, a spot the staff was grateful to fill, actually, and it remains to this day one of the best times I ever had. People in the libe on Fridays were always willing to stop at the desk and chat, and some hung out with me and helped me close it (I let them ring the chime that signaled “Get Out!”). I got a lot of my own work done during that shift.</p>
<p>My very best wishes to parents who are worried about kids finding their place right now. I was more obsessed with this topic than I knew until I had to get in the car and drive away after move-in day. I wept all the way across Iowa (of course a lot of that was for me) but I really had no idea how this was going to go.</p>
<p>[WFU</a> | Window on Wake Forest | Over-parenting leads to anxiety](<a href=“Wake Forest News | Wake Forest University”>Wake Forest News | Wake Forest University)</p>
<p>@barrons - I understand what you are saying, but I really don’t think it’s helpful at this stage of the game. If you think that I don’t blame myself for what my daughter is going through, you are dead wrong. I may have succeeded in giving my D roots, but I have very obviously and glaringly failed to give her wings and I am well aware of that fact! But I can’t re-write history and I’m just trying to do whatever is in my power to help her now when she needs me the most.</p>
<p>SoJersey, we all have our “blame” game to play on ourselves. But yes, history is history and we just have to work with present and future. So, PLEASE on this thread (picklemom started it so I hope she agrees!) feel free to share, support, discuss and anything else you need to do - it is good for many of us!</p>
<p>I think it can be a useful motto in this transition period to remember “It is still only September”. The weeks (especially for August starts) when kids are unhappy are arduously long–but it does take humans a minimum of six weeks to regain psychosocial equilibrium in radically new circumstances. I think many kids who are miserable in September are in such a different state by Halloween or Thanksgiving. It doesn’t really help to tell them that, but maybe it offers some hope for parents enduring this phase.</p>
<p>I also think that kids who are naturally introverted and who need some solitude can feel very confused and deprived of “downtime” when they are suddenly in these collective housing situations. If you are lonely on Friday night, then getting a job where others will be does make sense; you will have social contact but don’t have to make it happen. But it can also be possible that kids need some true “alone” time and shouldn’t feel guilty if they want to be in when others are out and the room is their own and the hall is quiet. They are each trying to find their own rhythm and we need to give them permission to not be social all the time. </p>
<p>I really think some kids feel they have to be dating/partying to be successful college kids. It is probably really most important for one’s mental health, at the beginning, to find one like-minded peer of the same sex with whom you can just be friendly about the everyday stress of living in what is essentially a whole new culture.</p>
<p>SoJersey: Stop beating yourself up. We all do the best we can. It’s always easy to look back and see the mistakes we made. It sounds like some of your daughter’s issues stem from her personality, which you can’t control. Good luck helping your daughter get through this. I think your best strategy is to get her to agree to stick out this semester. If she’ll still unhappy when it ends, then have her come home and attend CC while she regroups. I also think it’s okay to visit her or let her come home for weekends. Even kids who adjust well need to touch base at times.</p>
<p>barrons, how many college aged children do you have?</p>
<p>And are you advocating illegal underage drinking?</p>
<p>Here you go,parents: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/443554-not-so-grand-start-new-year.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/443554-not-so-grand-start-new-year.html</a></p>
<p>Believe it or not, my daughter misses her old school … NOW! She is glad she transfered, but she ended up having fun at the first school by the time the year ended, and she still visits (and friends from that school visit her).</p>
<p>It really does get better.</p>
<p>barrons, how many college aged children do you have? 0, they are in their 30’s</p>
<p>And are you advocating illegal underage drinking? Maybe. I advocate dealing with reality in a realistic way. Not being able to enjoy going to a party whether you drink or not is a problem. A couple beers at a party not a big deal to me. I just don’t like binge drinking or drinking and driving.</p>
<p>Thank you barrons for dose of sanity! </p>
<p>Our S just entered college this year, so we had a wine and cheese party for the parents of his friends - all of whom were now off at college. The conversation turned to college partying and not one parent supported the U.S. drinking age. Now we live in fairly upscale community - where vacations to Europe and spring break in Mexico or the Caribbean is fairly normal. So these parents and students know that the U.S. stands alone in western civilization with its policy, the students have experienced “normal” life while on vacation, and the parents are old enough to remember when in most states U.S. policy was similar. All of us resent the well-intentioned, but misguided policy that makes us say “Yes, we know its a stupid law, we know that anywhere else in western civilization what you are doing is totally acceptable, but …”</p>
<p>Thought I’d bump this up…Picklemom, how are is your D doing and how are YOU doing??? Anyone else who was sharing some of these feelings?</p>
<p>S is a bit more optimistic (as of this moment 
). Nothing much has changed though. Still very few activities. He has had not one dorm activity or floor activity/meeting since the mtg. the night they moved in. Nothing. :(</p>
<p>The first year experience program he is in had two activities last week (nothing big) but he was not able to attend due to tennis practice. He seems to be enjoying his tennis teammates a bit more and has clicked with one of them (though the word is that this guy is transferring after this semester- no!). </p>
<p>Lots of kids still going home on the weekends. We are alternating weekends there with some weekends home - coming home seems to be a mental break he needs and motivates him to go back refreshed and upbeat. </p>
<p>Had a discussion with him this weekend, and he talks about the future there - meaning, he seems to see himself their in the future - spring and beyond - so that is a positive sign to me that his mind isn’t thinking otherwise. </p>
<p>Small changes, but I’ll take it. :)</p>