<p>^My thoughts exactly. My D is pretty "straight edge", but her hours where getting a little difficult after she graduated in June. I've had a "stay of execution" or whatever they call it this summer, as my D is gone most of the summer as a camp counselor (home for a few days and said she would be flying in her friends small private plane...NOT! ..), but I am already nervous about Christmas, Spring Break and next summer.</p>
<p>Lafalum, my D is also bored! She goes to school in a far away state, so no friends nearby. Her h.s. friends don't really want to do much that interests D ... they never drank before, but do now. D isn't interested in sitting around with them while they drink, which is pretty much their social life these days. She has college friends who enjoy the same things she enjoys .. but they are too far away for the summer. So D works, works out, and whines!</p>
<p>OP, you have my sympathies. I don't have any advice, because I think that everyone has to handle such a situation in whatever way works for them. I was sort of like your D at her age, and my parents were pretty hands-off ... they let me conduct my life as I wished outside their home, with the understanding that I was responsible for whatever might happen as a result of my decisions. It worked for me. I don't know that I would do the same if my D was like I was, though ... I turned out fine, but that was ME, not my D! :)</p>
<p>Keep your relationship as strong as possible. If the boyfriend is a creep, then he will eventually be disrespectful to her as well and they will break up. The more you model how people are to be treated with respect and civility, the worse this kid will look by comparison. Do not overtly criticize him. You can find subtle ways to make your point without being obvious. Maybe you can ask your daughter for a little together time and take her to some of those romantic movies where the guy is always doing fabulous things. Immerse her in examples of what he is not, but do not say one word. He will end up looking bad by comparison.</p>
<p>Kids who have been drinking should stay where they are or have a sober person drive them home. What exactly are you worried about? Unprotected sex? Drinking? Drugs? Manners? How about figuring out what bothers you the most and then taking care of the list one item at a time. If it is sex, then offer to take her to the OB-GYN for whatever she needs. If you are afraid she is using drugs or alcohol, ask her to agree to random testing at home. If it is because you want her to be the sweet, compliant girl she was last year, then just wait it out. She will have her wild time and will get better within two years. Promise. At any rate, good luck. As much as we miss these kids during the year, it isn't ALWAYS a pleasure to be living together again 24/7.</p>
<p>"If you are afraid she is using drugs or alcohol, ask her to agree to random testing at home."</p>
<p>Are you kidding me? That's the equivalent of telling your child you think they're a druggie. I would think most parents realize the difference between their kid smoking a joint with friends once in a while, while continuing to function normally, and more serious drug use. I get this as a last resort, when kids have been, or risk being, subsumed by drugs (although you can't successfully do random alcohol testing unless they come home drunk because it leaves the system within a very short period of time as compared to psychoactive drugs.)</p>
<p>I think parents have a right to insist on a drug-free home. What the means for a parent will vary. For myself, it wouldn't necessarily be about alcohol (unless I thought it was habitual and more than a drink or two) - but anything illegal - I would whip out the home testing unit and ask for a sample. I absolutely, completely, totally, seriously will not tollerate for one second even the "joint once in awhile" attitude (experimental or otherwise) and allow my adult child to continue to live in my home. It is a hard limit. It is for my own sense of well being as much as it is about setting hard consequences for crossing particular lines. If my child wants to experiment, I wouldn't be necessarily shocked -- but they will do it while supporting themselves and living somewhere else.</p>
<p>I think on forums like these it is useful for parents (especially ones who are asking open ended questions) to hear the range of responses of how other parents have or will deal with similar issues. </p>
<p>Having the hard boundary of zero tollerance for illegal drug use (casual or otherwise) while living under my roof is hardly labeling my child a "druggie". I understand the difference between experimentation and addiction. I have zero obligation to support my adult child if they decide that kind of experimentation is important to them. If I had a sense that drug use was an issue, I would happily ask for them to submit a sample - and if they chose not to comply, just as happy to give them 24 - 48 hours to move out to their own apartment and/or find other roommates who do tollerate it.</p>
<p>I'm not a prude and I've done plenty of dumb and foolish things in my lifetime. However, I've never expected my parents to provide for me when/if I went down those roads. Other parents can decide to be more permissive - not me.</p>
<p>Annika</p>
<p>Thanks to all for your thoughts, suggestions and guidance. Needless to say, my daughter was devastated when I picked her up after finding out that she had been drinking and was planning on sleeping over her bf house b/c she was unable to drive It all began when she said she was sleeping over her girlfriends house and I found out otherwise.</p>
<p>As I had mentioned, I was not prepared for this first summer back from college and we failed to set house rules/expectations b/c DD was always dependable and I really did not see a need for it.</p>
<p>As brutal as the evening went, the alcohol actually allowed my DD to release a lot of vent up frustration. In summary, she hates being back home b/c she has no friends, parents who restrict her and how she is always so tired of meeting everyones expectations. She said that she was so busy trying to be so successful in high school and being with her bf, that now that shes back (after breaking up with her highschool bf in May), she has no one here. And now that she has started a relationship with this new guy and started hanging out with his friends, her parents are ruining it for her.</p>
<p>I have not mentioned to her that I dont like this new guy and his friends but she has picked up on it and has been struggling to keep both her family and her new set of friends separate. </p>
<p>So to answer the question, What am I afraid of? Im afraid she is hanging out with the wrong crowd who does nothing but party/drink. I am afraid of losing her .all of a sudden the loving and compassionate DD has gone over to the wild side with no regard for her family. She and I were just seeing our relationship move up to another level during college. She would tell me everything. Now she shuts me out and feel very cold. Im afraid shell get pregnant. Ive had her on the pill but have observed that she is not taking it regularly and have found a pregnancy test in her backpack (not snooping, but looking for a summer book my other DD wanted to take to her camp). Fortunately, shes not. And during this whole discussion, she mentioned wanting to end her life...a complete shocker to anyone who knows her!</p>
<p>I feel like she is such a lost puppy here at home. She had a great year in college and has great college friends and is moving in with the same roommate. I just want college to start soon so she can recapture the very driven, dedicated and fun loving DD that she used to be.</p>
<p>The next morning we had a nice talk with her, telling her that we hear her frustration and want to help. We suggested that she speak with a counselor and, thankfully, she seemed to be open to it. We told her that we do respect the fact that in the 1st year she was independent in college, she came out with super grades and that we dont want to take away the new sense of independence she found. We presented our expectations of her while shes home which were all out of common courtesy to her family, her siblings and to the house. We told her how we felt about the drinking but know it is common in todays college life. We asked her to be smart about it and definitely no drinking and driving. Whether she sleeps over her bf house or not and whether she takes her pill or not, we said it was up to her .that it is her life and she will have to live with whatever decisions she make.</p>
<p>Bottomline is that letting her go and let her live and learn is so hard to do while watching on the sideline. She can live and learn in college where she is miles away from our home and from this "wrong" group of friends, where what I dont know and dont see will leave me in peace.</p>
<p>Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to reply to all the kind parents who have helped with their posts. I know this will all pass .I just keep praying for patience, grace and strength.</p>
<p>"I know this will all pass….I just keep praying for patience, grace and strength."</p>
<p>Amen, amen, amen.</p>
<p>Amen...me too.</p>
<p>Mine have been ok with not staying out late (girlfriends at school, so they're not carousing at home), and have been helping with the yardwork and a few other chores here and there. I still can't wait for them to go back...even with them allegedly helping with gas, I still got a $600 gas bill for last month. My grocery bills are now $400 a WEEK...(two boys in their 20s, plus occasional friends -- and then the rest of us). I swear, they're inhaling everything that even has the appearance of being edible. If I had wax fruit on the table, it would have disappeared by now. They might have picked up that habit at the all-you-can eat school cafeterias? With rising prices, I'm feeling the pain. </p>
<p>I dread getting the water bill, which will reflect those "I'm almost done" hour long showers. I actually shut the water off once after a kid had been in the shower for a 1/2 hour, to make a point. It didn't work...morning shower. Shower after work-outs. Shower before going out with friends....aaaaargggggh. I'm developing mildew as I type.</p>
<p>yes. Son discovered that he had very little in common with his pre-college friends after his Freshman year. It was a difficult summer for him.</p>
<p>They have different ways of dealing with this. </p>
<p>Hang in there. Protect the fundamentals of your relationship: make sure that it never appears that your love, caring, or help are conditional. You'll both want that core to be there on the other side of this phase.</p>
<p>D has been very good juggling 3 jobs and keeping me informed of her whereabouts. I know she longs to be back at college but her BF is here and her best friends from HS, too. I know she won't be here every summer so I guess I am glad this one is going pretty well. She and her sister - well, they are polar opposites and I don't enjoy the bickering...which I made quite clear about an hour ago! They <em>can</em> get along when they want to but tonight, well, they didn't WANT TO!!!!!!</p>
<p>I must say to all of you that in 10 years your kids will thank you for the amount of effort you are putting forth. I never had parents that cared, never had them at family days at college, never had anyone checking in on me, didnt have the option to go home over the summers, and I learned a lot of things the hard way.
I am not yet 30, so I have one foot still in their shoes... And some of your actions are of over-worried parents (which I am sure to be myself). The fact remains that it will pass, your kids will grow up and graduate... and evolve... and one day thank you for caring so much and guiding them through such a memorable period of growth in ones life.</p>
<p>Mafool "yes. Son discovered that he had very little in common with his pre-college friends after his Freshman year. It was a difficult summer for him."
That is exactly how my S felt once he came home this summer. At first I was a little concerned that he did not want to 'hang' with his old friends, but now I understand. He says that they are all so different now and most of them still are together so it feels like 13th grade. My S was one of the few in his class that actually went away to school and knew no one. He has developed new and different kinds of friends while at school. He can not wait to get back.</p>
<p>First of all I want to thank Peace for starting this thread. I'll describe our situation in a minute, but I wanted to tell you Peace how impressed I am that you were able to have the conversation w/ your D when you picked her up. It sounds like you got the important message across--that you respect her independence but you love and care for her and you see some things that are worrisome. </p>
<p>Kudos to you for handling the sex stuff without freaking out--but I'd be more worried about her not taking her pills. Knowing my daughter was taking chances like that would scare me more than anything else except drunk driving--after all if she gets pregnant not only is there a huge complication in her life, she's messed up the life of the guy who is the father. He might be a really, really fun summer boyfriend but how would she feel if she had to deal with him in some form or another, most of them unpleasant (collecting child support, making joint parenting decisions) for the next 22 years?</p>
<p>I hope she does take you up on your offer to get counseling, in the meantime maybe the OBGYN can talk to her about Depo or other birth control methods that don't require her to remember to take a pill every day, or you have to keep an eye on that and make sure she takes them. </p>
<p>So in our house, I'm feeling like it's time for DD to go back to school. DD came back and immediately immersed herself in a social whirl with all of the high school friends who were at the U (we live near the state flagship school and the overhwhelming majority of college bound kids at our high school go there). She was crashing in people's dorm rooms at night. Then people who had left town started trickling back in and the U. was out for the summer so the party moved a few miles up the road back to our community. She goes out almost every night and we also instituted the text me so I know you're not dead rule. I know they are drinking, but I also know they are all very careful not to drive or let anybody else drive. I know there is a little bit of weed being passed around as well, but in her social circle that appears to be a guy thing--the girls aren't interested. </p>
<p>We've talked about the risks of drinking--this is a pretty responsible group of kids and she tells me it's pretty laid back---nobody doing shots or playing with hard alcohol. </p>
<p>I actually started to worry that she'd decide she DIDN'T want to go back to the midwest and would want to transfer to the U, but I asked her a few days ago when she bought her plane ticket and she said that by August she will want to get back to school. </p>
<p>She's having a blast--she's maintained close friendships with kids since freshman year and in a couple of cases since grade school. That makes me feel good--someday she'll be one of those women who still stays connected with friends from childhood and I think that's a good thing. Of course when they are sitting in the back yard yakking and laughing under my window at 11pm on a work night I think dark thoughts!</p>
<p>I want to get people's take on whether I handled something right: We had a run of nights where the kids were here at night and there was just enough noise (people coming and going, which set off the dog and they were right under our window) that we asked them to do the back yard marshmallow roasts only on weekends, or wrap them up earlier--they typically don't even START gathering until about 10pm! Told them they were more than welcome to settle in and watch movies or whatever here anytime, but we needed our sleep.</p>
<p>Well......I think that parents who are paying the tuition and room and board, car payments, gasoline, cellphone bills etc, and food at home have a right to demand more than just common courtesy, they should be given a lot of respect and appreciation. My parents paid for NOTHING after I was 18. ZIPPO. Whenever our D gets a little mouthy, we remind her directly that she is perfectly capable of being on her own, but that she would have to pay for everything and if she cant afford it, it means she would have to do without. That is often met with a door slam, but shortly afterwards a different tone comes out of her mouth.</p>
<p>Our biggest problems last year were helping her sort out her complicated personal life with a hanger on bf from highschool, who was a nice young man, non drinker and respectful of her.....but he was always distant to us (different religion.....bigtime different). Her new bf in college we adore and he comes from a FABULOUS family. She went through the freshmen funk thingie last February, complete with a wicked bout of the flu, a lot of confusion about her direction in life, listening to the OLD bf begging her to come back etc. A trip UP to her college, some tears from all, a little fluffing up of the feathers and some strong advice from us on how to handle the ex, and it all sorted out. She is working almost full time 35-40 hours a week this summer and that helps. She went through some reality when she came home this summer and learned a lot of her friends are either gone, have moved on, or too busy or involved with others......but we helped her with that as well.....its a NORMAL progression. We simply said, "isnt it WEIRD when people who are in their 20's still hang with high school people?" And that caught her attention. We also told her that she may return to her old friends eventually...but EVERYONE needs time away to grow up once they leave the nest and its not always easy.</p>
<p>We brought the new bf to the beach with us this summer and they had a wonderful week. She is seeing the benefits of having a bf/gf relationship that the two families support, though the boundaries are still there. It helps that we golf with the new bf, and otherwise treat him like one of our own. </p>
<p>yes, the adjustment is difficult and hopefully she is making the right decisions. If she is not, remind her that you will ALWAYS be there for her and that REALLY you are her very best friend and can help her. She likely feels alienation because of her own actions and is covering up her deep seated disappointment in herself. So reach out with love and understanding. You dont have to put up with verbal abuse or ugly language, but you can love and be understanding....AND ask for some mutual respect. Try the line, "everyone makes mistakes in life.....even we as parents make mistakes. We are all human. We are here for you and want to help. " Dont be judgmental,but be supportive and at the same time say, "making better choices in the future will help you feel better as a person."</p>
<p>For NEXT summer, why dont you suggest she start planning a trip to Europe, or an adventure in another part of the US, something associated with a charity or non profit group she has an interest in, or a church group. </p>
<p>A lot of kids that age will never admit it, but they are scared to death when they see the reality of adult life in front of them. Out of the nest and what seemed like peaceful bliss is really a hard dose of reality. So we as parents help them pick up the pieces and transition. Getting them involved in something positive where they are giving to others less fortunate is also a good option.</p>
<p>Finally, its sad that there are people in this world who think that adolescent freedom is a license to misbehave and harm others, using the old lines of "your parents dont control you....the <em>heck</em> with them!" Well.....while we want to give them a good old fashioned whoopin out back behind the shed, we can't. Explain to her what is going on...her transition to adult world and that you UNDERSTAND its scary.....and you are there to help her.....love her and support her....not judge her....though there are some basic rules of the road. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>"Lafalum, my D is also bored! She goes to school in a far away state, so no friends nearby. Her h.s. friends don't really want to do much that interests D ... they never drank before, but do now. D isn't interested in sitting around with them while they drink, which is pretty much their social life these days. She has college friends who enjoy the same things she enjoys .. but they are too far away for the summer. So D works, works out, and whines!"</p>
<p>Kelsmom, that could be my son! Wish he knew more like her. He doesn't drink and is pretty much a good kid, going into his third year and works hard all summer, doesnt blow his money on many things, is paying some of his tuition, I can't complain, except for the mess and one day, I'll not have it. You take one day at a time...but I know I would set rules in my home. They know what I would tolerate, what I wont, what I'll be so-so with by now.
I knew my mom would never tolerate drinking in her home, drugs, or guys sleeping over. It was never even argued. I had to laugh when I heard my girls talking about a friends older sister having her boyfriend sleep over and maybe move into her parents home. They said, almost together."Mom would never let us do that...and I'm kind of glad...not sure why, but I'm glad".</p>
<p>I'm so glad there are parents out there who support their children like this. Though last summer mine dropped me off on a bad note, this summer has been better. It was a dumb thing too that set it off (parents yelled at me extensively for being lazy when I was working and swimming fulltime) but I guess it's all water under the bridge now. </p>
<p>Coming home hasn't been that drastic I guess, since I lived close anyways. I only came home maybe once a month, but I guess that kept us from "forgetting" what summer would be like. The most annoying thing IMO has been the fact that after I left my brother moved into my room, so I've been rotating between rooms and the couch all summer. Other than that, I've been working, swimming, and hanging out with friends. My mom still occasionally asks what time and all that, and I still send the courtesy text when I won't be home that night. Maybe parents are less protective of boys? I don't know, but I do know it took a LONG time to build up this sense of trust, as I consider myself to have one of the most sheltered backgrounds.</p>
<p>As a teenager who is going to start college in August, I was very interested in this thread. Like the OP's daughter, I have always been a pretty straightedged girl, but lately, I've gotten a little bit bored of it... that doesn't mean I am a bad person or even that rebellious. But given a choice between hanging out with my family and staying out late with my friends doing vaguely reprehensible things, I'll pick my friends. This is a tough period in our lives, and I was sad to read about all the parents that suggested basically throwing the girl out. Now, when our lives ARE becoming more independent, that is when we need you most. We need you to guide us, but let us do things on our own also. We need you to ask us to let you know where we are, but not to always expect that phone call. We may be testing boundaries, but you should let us- just like a baby doesn't turn into a fifth grader in one night, neithr does a teenager morph into an adult. Doing rebellious things is not cruel or stupid- it is part of growing up, and it definitely should not be punished with serious threats of being thrown out. I was very glad to hear the OP had a talk with her daughter, and seemed to reconcile with her. It sounds like both of them learned to respect the other- the OP that her daughter is old enough to make a lot of choices on her own, and the daughter that her mother should be told what is going on in her life. So please, to anyone else dealing with this, take the OP's route and be gentle. We will definitely respond!</p>
<p>Oh, I'm a terrible pesky parent. I basically told my children that once they start college, summers go one of two ways: either they handle their own summer accommodations and funding, or they stay at home, get a job, live under my rules, and generally have me bothering them all summer. </p>
<p>As a result, my son is spending his first summer after freshman year working full time in a minimum wage job, and subletting a room. He's supporting himself for the first time in his life and getting a lot of experience in Why He Wants to Stay in College for a Long Time.</p>
<p>What I told our son that first summer:
I expected the same courtesy and respect from him that I would expect from any other adult living in our home. Examples:
-When I go out, I tell my husband where I will be and when I'll be home. If that changes, I call to tell him. Why? I don't want to give him reason to worry.
-We try to be aware of and respect each other's schedules. Which means no loud gatherings in the kitchen (under our bedroom) late at night. Why? We have to get up early and go to work and we need our sleep.</p>
<p>The summer was not all sweetness and light, but it did work out pretty well. And, as that was probably the last time our son will live with us for an extended time (internships, graduation, job), I'm glad it went so well. Hope this helps someone.</p>
<p>This was a big reason I didn't go home this summer (summer after freshman year). It's hard to go a year on your own, living with only the rules you set for yourself, then go back for a summer and live under your parent's roof where your treated as if you were back in HS.</p>