<p>My sister has a great daughter, occasionally moody,but never got into any trouble, didn't have any steady boyfriend to cause angst in high school, good grades, etc. but her son was a little more impulsive. What he told her though after a year or two or college, was a sign of maturity. He said, some kids think, just 6 months older, they are "different" and worthy of less rules, restrictions, etc. To their parents, they are 6 months older....no real change. Just living in another "bubble" doesn't make you that much different.
Depending on your school and living arrangments, having a room you're not paying for, food whenever you want it, books bought for you, etc. isn't the "real world". Some kids get everything given to them, they never work in college, have cars, money, etc...how does that make them more "mature"? It's a lot more than being able to go to sleep or wake up when you want and come and go as you please. When you realize that, you start to grow up.</p>
<p>She should remember how unhappy she is this summer and be sure to try and find an internship or a summer job at school for next summer. Usually, the kids don't come home after freshman summer just for this reason. Mine was so bored her first summer home that she has been sure to find an internship both summers after that one! Good luck! It certainly isn't easy, is it?</p>
<p>I treasure every day I get to spend with them. They are my favorite people in the world. Sadly Williams where my youngest attends is like a cult. They want them there all the time. At orientation they said thanks for getting them here, now they are ours. Winter sessions, summer research positions, athletic trips, I want more time with them, not less.</p>
<p>I'm with you, icantfindaname, and count myself extremely fortunate, if currently bereft....</p>
<p>Son had an internship close to home after freshman year. Now, as a rising junior, he is a few states away. I do not expect that he will live at home again for any length of time.</p>
<p>Some students can't afford to stay for the summer, it depends what you work out with the school/job.
At my son's school, being smaller, most students went home if they lived out of state so if he stayed he wouldn't have had his friends that much closer. But it did help him knowing how the first summer went to keep busy, He asked for more hours at work, volunteered at a mental health facility to get some experience with his major and tried to see some old friends that were home for a few weeks. It's never easy, but sometimes being alone and being forced to do things alone, helps you get ready for when the friends wont be there.</p>
<p>I'm in the camp with icantfindaname. I love having younger S home for the summer. At age 20, he is a friend and a joy as are his friends.</p>
<p>Today, we hosted a movie party in which we invited some of his friends and mine and their families over to watch an interesting film. Our guests ranged from his best friend, 20, and the best friend's parents to one of my friends, who is 69. The twentysomething teacher of the improvisation class that S, my 69-year-old friend and I take came also as did another friend in her 60s, and couple of other friends in their mid 20s.</p>
<p>We had great conversation, and also enjoyed the movie. </p>
<p>I love diverse, friendly gatherings. I love the fact that when S is home, his friends add to the diversity of the gatherings at my home.</p>
<p>For those who may be wondering, since this was an afternoon event, I didn't serve alcohol, but I have served alcohol to events with S's friends, and have had no problems with underaged students trying to drink. As S said, his friends respect me too much to try to do that.</p>
<p>I have other adult friends who also entertain across generational lines, and I've had lots of fun getting to know their offspring as well as my adult friends' parents. </p>
<p>This summer, I've enjoyed doing this with S that have ranged from taking acting workshops to helping with voter registration, and volunteering with a summer camp that he organized. I've also done things on my own and with my friends, as has he. </p>
<p>Since he's 20, I know that this may be his last summer at home as it's likely that after this year, he'll do internships and have jobs away from our town. He also says that after college, he plans to move to a different city than we live: Our city is just too small and dull for him. Despite having an active life of my own, I will really, really, really, miss him.</p>
<p>^^^what was the film?</p>
<p>I was wondering that too. : )
I also will truely miss my son one day if he has to move...and my daughters leaving will cause pain I don't want to think about. I keep quiet usually when parents say they can't wait to get rid of their kids, maybe that's a passage for them, but I really enjoy mine (most of the time) and we have fun together with their friends. They, like Northstarmom's child tend to pick friends that respect them and tomorrow we are going on a day trip with two of my daughters friends...at 16, to still have my company not be a total embarrassment is a nice thing!</p>
<p>It was a rough start with our older daughter this summer. I forgot she was 19 and she forgot she didn't live in a dorm any more. After a few weeks, things got settled down. She is sweet, she will always ask me if she could have friends over before she invites them over. I always say yes, but it's nice that she asks. Most of her friends are working this summer, so they usually just meet for early dinners.</p>
<p>She came home from school with the freshmen 10. After a few weeks of home cooking and intense ballet schedule, she is back to her optimal weight again. She came home with a bad cough, it turned out to be an allergy. Over the summer, she has drank very little and has caught up with her sleep. She is looking good. </p>
<p>We have fine tuned her again to return her back to school. I just want her to be returned back to me next year in the same condition. It reminds me when she was little, I would send her to school with pefect little dress, white lace socks and clean Mary Janes. She would come home with missing buttons, socks off, and stains on her dress. I jokingly said to her Kindergarten teacher that it would nice if she could return my kid in the same condition as I have sent. Only if she was 6 again. I am going to miss her when she goes back to school.</p>
<p>The film was "Babel." It's an interesting film that shows life from a variety of perspectives. It is, however, R rated for good reason. The sex scenes were necessary for the plot and were appropriately done, but this wouldn't be something I'd watch with a kid under about 15.</p>
<p>Yes, NSMom, I enjoyed that film, too.</p>
<p>"What I told our son that first summer:
I expected the same courtesy and respect from him that I would expect from any other adult living in our home. Examples:
-When I go out, I tell my husband where I will be and when I'll be home. If that changes, I call to tell him. Why? I don't want to give him reason to worry.
-We try to be aware of and respect each other's schedules. Which means no loud gatherings in the kitchen (under our bedroom) late at night. Why? We have to get up early and go to work and we need our sleep."</p>
<p>This is precisely the approach we have used to date with my high school aged children and it seems to work pretty well. We learned early on that the "we're the adults" and "because we said so" approach didn't work very well. So instead we let them know that we are treating them the same as we would anyone else in the same circumstances. Our curfews are not based on lack of trust - whatever they could do at 1:30 am they could do almost as easily at 10:30 pm - but rather based on our practical need to sleep. This is particularly true on weeknights. We are crossing our fingers of course but for now, so far so good.</p>
<p>I know this is the parents forum, but the subject line really caught my eye as I assume my Mom was probably going through the same thing before things picked up with my jobs.</p>
<p>This is my first (and hopefully last) summer back home from college. I go to school about 7 hours away, so I rarely went home during the school year, and during the times I did go home, Winter and Spring break, I dreaded what summer was going to be like. It is exactly what many parents are describing . Lack of freedom, back home with "old" friends, not living in the dorms, having curfew, etc. I know that some parents may be shocked by the way their children are acting, but it is important to remember that they are going through a drastic change, going from living in a dorm full of college kids, having no responsibilities, and unlimited freedom, to going back home with Mom and Dad. I won't get into it, but like some have stated, your kids are realizing that their friends from college and back home are different, I am in the same boat and I know exactly how they feel. It sometimes bores me to hang out with my old friends, and luckily I don't have to do so as much because I work two jobs now and almost always out of the house. </p>
<p>So just remember what your kids are going through while they are home this summer, and don't necessarily wish it away because in a month or two they'll be gone again.</p>
<p>Cal-bolt has it right on two levels. I now remember in the recesses of my brain what summers during college were like. It is hard to reconcile the nostalgic feelings for "home" with the reality of the many changes in your family and friends - especially when the biggest change is within yourself. Drifting away from a life you knew for many years can be painful, scary and confusing. Also inevitable. How many of your high school friends are still in your life today? If you have more than 3 I bet you are in the minority.</p>
<p>Because few people have the insight to handle such a significant disconnect in a healthy manner, we lash out. Our kids are no different. Parents are the easiest and safest target because we love them no matter what. In this respect parenting isn't all that different than it was during our kid's adolescence. Just because they are bigger than us, have to shave regularly and are no longer minors doesn't mean they are suddenly adults and have it all figured out. </p>
<p>The second point also is great - live for the day because it's over soon.</p>
<p>The aforementioned expectations of adult child living at home---basically courtesy, respect and communication---is the policy we've had with our kids since they began 'going out'. It IS just courtesy and respect to tell husband/wife (OR roommate, for that matter) where you're going, when you'll be home and call when said plans change. (A late-night text works for us if change of plans occurs after bed time.) Kids have seen us model this behavior at home since forever! We even leave each other notes if nobody's home when we go out....</p>
<p>Thank Goodness, we've not had issues with 'kids' home for the summer. We've also been lucky with college roomies and they have a similar understanding with roommates. It's just courtesy. Such an understanding speaks to safety as well, especially since they are often out quite late on/around campus....</p>
<p>rutgersmom, I agree. And since the respect/courtesy guidelines were just a continuation of the expectations we had through the later years of highschool, there was no drama involved. I guess I can count this as one of the things that worked out for us. One never really knows--making it up as we go.</p>
<p>I would be very careful before you continue to be so strict and demanding with your daughter.</p>
<p>I know you mean well and really care for her, but you have to realize she is an adult now, and as such, has the right to do as she pleases.</p>
<p>Something simliar happened to me when I was younger. I was doing really good in school, and generally didn't do much of socializing at all. Then, I got involved with people who my parents (and presumably you) would have deemed "the wrong sort" of people. The new friends and activities didn't at all affect my grades or my responsiblity to fufill my obligations, yet my parents insisted upon laying down the law. Stubborn as I am, I stood up for myself and chose not to let my parents walk all over me (it goes both ways annika (see post #19)). To make a long story short, my parnets and I got into some pretty serious fights and now, to be quite honest, I don't really want much to do with them in the future. It really has totally ruined our relationship. And for what? Because my parents overreacted to the point of actually believing that this new group of friends had the power to destroy my life. As it turns out, over the years I have gradually stopped talking to this group of friends and I eventualy exceeded my parents' expectations academically and otherwise. In the end, it had no negative influence on how I turned out.</p>
<p>I admit the decisions I made weren't the best I could have made, and I'm sure the decisions your daughter is making aren't the best she could be making either. But nevertheless, you need to let your D see this for herself. By insisting your own rules upon her, you only introduce a large amount of unnecessary animosity. Your daughter will be fine. You may not like what she's doing right now, but she'll turn out alirght. There's no point risking destroying your relationship over something so petty.</p>
<p>Well said Gleas. And whether she is really fine or not is her problem to work out. You have to assume the best and be there if things don't go well. That's your job now. Young people need to make their own decisions and that includes mistakes.</p>
<p>"This is my first (and hopefully last) summer back home from college. I go to school about 7 hours away, so I rarely went home during the school year, and during the times I did go home, Winter and Spring break, I dreaded what summer was going to be like. It is exactly what many parents are describing. Lack of freedom, back home with "old" friends, not living in the dorms, having curfew, etc. I know that some parents may be shocked by the way their children are acting, but it is important to remember that they are going through a drastic change, going from living in a dorm full of college kids, having no responsibilities, and unlimited freedom, to going back home with Mom and Dad. I won't get into it, but like some have stated, your kids are realizing that their friends from college and back home are different, I am in the same boat and I know exactly how they feel. It sometimes bores me to hang out with my old friends, and luckily I don't have to do so as much because I work two jobs now and almost always out of the house."</p>
<p>I'm feeling the same way. I don't want to hang out with my friends from high school because all they do is sit around, gossip and drink now. I find that boring. Since I'm stuck at home for the summer, I don't get to see my friends from school and have nothing to do when I get off work in the evenings. The one friend here I stayed in touch with doesn't get off work until seven or eight, so if we hang out we usually want to stay out until 11 or 12. According to my parents, this isn't okay. It's also not okay for me to take a nap when I get home from work, to leave boxes of stuff I don't want to unpack on my bedroom floor, or to even go outside after it's dark. My dad complains if I practice piano or guitar because it's "too loud" and it distracts him from watching bad cop shows on TruTV. They won't let me get a second job to occupy my time with. I'm going crazy. My mother and I used to be really close but lately everyone else in my family is just fighting, so I sit in my room alone a lot. I don't want to hang out with my mom because she complains constantly about my dad and my sister. I've been ready to go back to school since it let out.</p>
<p>I think the worst thing about my situation is that if I talk to my parents about any of this, they both get unreasonably upset, to the point where trying to communicate any of this to them feels like it's not worth it. I've been debating moving back early, even though it would mean losing my job and having to work during the school year. I'm beginning to think it'll be worth it.</p>
<p>One of my kids spent all her summers in summer school at her school and finished a double major on time and I think she would have gone crazy at home, esp since we've moved both from her growing up town and her HS town.</p>
<p>Another DD comes sort of home, for a day or two here and there, each summer, but mostly finds a way to work and live where her HS friend group is hanging that summer and I am glad. She is having fun, they are great kids, spread out across NA & even overseas and they are staying connected, it's a good thing. She would drive me crazy if she stayed home, nothing worse than a bored teenager lurking grumpily in the background to ruin your day and your household harmony</p>