<p>Contestant number six ! I guess thats me ! It was quiet and the whole room was staring at me as I walked up to say my monologue. Thoughts about the possibilities of me messing up my slate or dropping a line pondered as I made my way up to the panel of judges. I could feel my heart beating and I felt like it was a prisoner trying to escape from my ribs. My hands quaked and my life literally flashed before my eyes. This was my moment ! To show off my hard work that I put in. I remembered to breathe because that was the note that I got excessively ! As I began to say my slate I became more confident ! I didnt mess up! Thats all I could think of when I finished saying my slate. After I finished my monologue and I heard all the laughs and applause I felt ten times more confident. The most vivid memory I have is of Ms.Rubin laughing and practically falling out of her chair. Her bright green shirt really caught my attention, But I knew I couldnt break character ! I had to stay connected. When I went to sit back down I felt so accomplished! But It wasnt over yet.</p>
<p>First thing I can say straight off the bat is that you use way too many exclamation points! They’re unwarranted in the moments you’ve chosen to manipulate them.
Now I don’t know what you’re using this intro for but I do like that you’ve chosen to start your essay depicting a scene. Since you’ve done that I need more imagery, what was the temperature in the room, was the world shrinking around you the closer you approached the stage, were you sweating, panting? You’re definitely missing out on an opportunity to use figurative language.
You say too much, describe more. Utilize an array of vocabulary words, although I see you did try to use some vocabulary I found them rather awkward? It didn’t flow for some reason (usage of slate).
But besides that I do think this intro has great potential, I really love the scene you’re trying to portray. I believe that any reader, regardless of whether they are performers or not can identify with the feelings you’ve described. </p>
<p>Hope i wasn’t too harsh :/</p>
<p>Wasn’t too harsh! I’m not the best writer and I take criticism very well, I just make things better. Thanks 
</p>
<p>Sent from my LS670 using CC</p>
<p>I suggest showing this to one of your English teachers, because many of the sentences could be worded better.
Also, I wasn’t sure of the meaning of “slate” (I live in a bubble under a rock at the bottom of the ocean) so maybe find a way to make that clear to people who aren’t familiar with this EC.</p>