Applying to college 2015

Here is a personal statement that I drafted for the UC topic- Describe the world and your environment and how it has impacted your dreams and aspirations. Please read and tell me about what I need to fix.

The world is a complicated place and is ever so full of inequalities that we don’t seem to understand. Our concept of the world is typically very shallow and is full of the material wealth and greed that tends to plague today’s society. You see, I find very little meaning to talk about what I don’t have but rather to focus on the things I have and how they build me up as a person. I was born in China in 1998 and immigrated to the US when I was four. My parents, like all immigrants, worked hard for their buck and tried their best to etch out a living in what seemed liked the unforgiving environment we called the United States. Until recently, however, I have never really appreciated the process and the story behind what I am today. You see, the achievements and the immigration is only a mask above the true story; the story that completely describes the person that I have become. My dad is the central piece of this story as he is the most inspirational character in my life. Born in 1960s rural china to a family of six, my dad and his family worked very hard to produce the bare minimum needed to sustain life. He went to school, but had terrible grades and was never a really good student. Nevertheless, he realized how much education was a necessity if he wanted to amount to anything more than just a field worker. It was through his persistence that he was able to improve his grades and go to college in China. Persistence would be a frequented quality as he met hurdles at every step in his career. Going to college at 30, solving immigration issues, and dealing with me, his now 6 year old son would be three of his main obstacles. Fast forward just 11 years, and I can look back on my life and feel proud of the success that my father has in his field, and how he’s able to help others just like him succeed as well. His story may be very common, but to me, he’s the role model of what I want to become: to dream big, think big, and always have the future in sight. Many times he’d tell me how no one would ever guess or dare to think that a naïve little boy from the village could grow up to become an internationally recognized professor at one of the most prestigious universities in America. In some ways, you can say he achieved the impossible because he dared to think. And he thought big. He learned English at 30, went to class with people nearly half his age, and most importantly, pushed forward when everything told him to fall back. I see numerous people who have more than me, who are more wealthy, talented, intelligent (and I’m sure my dad has seen those as well), but I always remember to focus on the things I have and to remember that there are many more people who are not as fortunate as me. It’s because life is not black and white and not everyone starts at the same line. Life is a staggered race, and because of my dad, I can open my eyes and realize that I run my own race to fulfill my own dreams and inspirations. The journey to success is one of a million miles but with some fuel called persistence and a navigation system called inspiration, we can find our way to light. That is why I want to be like my dad; become successful not because of how talented or how wealthy you are, not because of where you start in the beginning, but where you end up in the end, and be the humble and compassionate person that he is: fulfilling life by helping others, one step at a time.

**This is a good start. Just a few things to note: 1. Paragraphs are important. 2. Show, don’t tell. That means don’t just tell me that something was hard, or that someone was perseverant; tell me a story that brings me to that conclusion without you having to tell me anything. 3. Avoid posting your essays directly on the thread, because people can see and possibly copy them. Instead, private message people. **

The world is a complicated place and is ever so full of inequalities that we don’t seem to understand. Our concept of the world is typically very shallow and is full of the material wealth and greed that tends to plague today’s society. You see, I find very little meaning to talk about what I don’t have**,** but rather to focus on the things I have and how they build me up as a person.

[The problem with introductions is that they take away your voice. You should write like you’re telling a story. Be interesting and descriptive. Also, I don’t really understand the purpose of what you wrote. What do the inequalities of the world have to do with your life story? Why do you feel that someone was expecting you to write about what you don’t have? The prompt is asking for what you do have. Also, don’t use first-person plural. Your concept of the world may be shallow, or people’s concepts of the world may be shallow, but when you say “our” and “we,” you’re assuming something about your readers that might not be true.]

I was born in China in 1998 and immigrated to the US when I was four. My parents, like all immigrants [This isn’t always true for immigrants.], worked hard for their buck and tried their best to etch out a living in what seemed liked the unforgiving environment we called the United States. Until recently, however, I have never really appreciated the process and the story behind what I am today. You see, the achievements and the immigration is only a mask above the true story; the story that completely describes the person that I have become.

[You should expand on how the US seemed like an unforgiving environment. Tell me a story that makes me think, “Wow, life must have been tough for these people.” Also, don’t write about the immigration if it’s not the true story. Just write about the true story.]

**Now, after reading the rest of your essay, I see a major problem. This essay isn’t about you at all! It’s about your father. The #1 rule of college essays is “Write about yourself.” Yes, you have to write about your world (your father isn’t your world, but your childhood and culture due to what your father did are), but the most important part is how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations. What are your dreams? Saying that you want to be successful and help others is not specific enough.

Hey I remember you! You’re that guy who goes around correcting personal statements on college confidential and telling people to not post their essays LOL… I didn’t expect to get such a thorough review from such a thorough person. THANKS!

Lol, I didn’t know I had such a reputation :"> It was my pleasure!

UCLAalumPro: Thank you for sharing your personal statement. OnMyWay2013 brought up some fine points and it would be great to take them under consideration. To piggy back on what he pointed out, I thought I offer a few points as well.

BadTestTaker: “The world is a complicated place and is ever so full of inequalities that we don’t seem to understand. Our concept of the world is typically very shallow and is full of the material wealth and greed that tends to plague today’s society. You see, I find very little meaning to talk about what I don’t have but rather to focus on the things I have and how they build me up as a person.”

*UCLAalumPro: I wanted to see where you were going with this and I really wanted to like it. But to be honest, I was a bit lost. Was this essay going to focus on the world’s inequalities, materialistic outlook or greed? It came off a bit pessimistic, too philosophical and convoluted.

The silver lining in the all-important introduction sentence was the statement: “…but rather to focus on the things I have and how they build me up as a person.” I think this is a nice angle that you should focus on and to build upon. It would be great if you gave that direct statement in the very first sentence so that you can set the tone of your essay.

An example that may parallel that thought may be:

“I realize the importance of searching for and establishing a strong relationship with a mentor. You see …”

When I read this new statement, I’m curious about this search. Who is this mentor that he is talking about? More importantly, what did he learn from this mentor?*

“Life is a staggered race, and because of my dad, I can open my eyes and realize that I run my own race to fulfill my own dreams and inspirations. The journey to success is one of a million miles but with some fuel called persistence and a navigation system called inspiration, we can find our way to light. That is why I want to be like my dad; become successful not because of how talented or how wealthy you are, not because of where you start in the beginning, but where you end up in the end, and be the humble and compassionate person that he is: fulfilling life by helping others, one step at a time.”

*UCLAalumPro: Everything you mentioned here is true, no question. I can relate to it on many levels. Be careful not to meander around with your thoughts though. Focus on an important trait of your father (patience, delivery of results, commitment, etc) and keep it consistent throughout your essay.

Do provide concrete examples of what you observed from your father, and then what you did to show how that positive influence translated to some part of your life (did you join a certain club as a result?).

Be sure to take the time to tune up your essay. I still think you can do even better. :wink: *

I want to admit your dad so I agree with on my way.