Please critique my UC Personal Statements 1 and 2

<p>Personal statement 1 - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations</p>

<pre><code>Using one’s intelligence to one’s full potential is crucial to one’s success. I come from a world in which my family has abnormally high expectations for me. My parents have such high expectations because my brother, who attended a costly private school, failed to meet their expectations. My parents knew that my brother had the potential and intelligence to achieve great heights, but he did not put his full effort into his education. Thus, he was not only unable to fulfill his dream of attending a 4-year college, but also my parents’ dreams of having the best possible option for their children.
Since high school, my parents have constantly reminded me the benefits of going to college and the importance of putting one’s full effort into one’s education. Because of the influences of my parents and my brother’s failure to meet their expectations, I know the importance of being a first generation college student to my family. In addition to pleasing my family, I would be humbled and grateful to be accepted into a prestigious college. I have visited several universities in the Bay Area and I was astonished by the atmosphere, where I would be genuinely excited to meet people who have mutual interests and passions.
However, not everything will be handed to me on a golden plate. I realized that dreams and aspirations must be earned, not given. In order to mentally prepare for college, I must take rigorous, college-like courses to get a sense of how it feels. I put my full effort into my academics, maintaining a weighted overall 4.0 GPA while taking many AP and Honors courses. Similar to high school, I want to perform work in college that is both fulfilling, yet challenging. The satisfaction of having my hard work redeem itself is priceless whereas having something given to me on a golden plate is not as satisfying. When I was younger, I relied on my family to get allowances; I felt like I did not deserve the money, as I did not do anything to earn it. However, as I have grown older, I have matured by starting my own mini-business, waking up at dawn on a weekly basis to buy shoes that I would later sell to individuals. Building my own business from scratch and earning things through my own dedication and motivation has driven me to become the person I am today, someone who does not want things to be given to me on a golden plate.
My dream to attend a prestigious college with my intended major, engineering was inspired by my ability to create, to build, to make something of myself for others. Mathematics has always been one of my strongest subjects in academics. In taking the most rigorous Mathematics courses available, I have realized that it is the language of life. One can apply Mathematics to any situation, no matter how small it may seem. In understanding this language, I have been able to succeed not only in my Mathematics courses, but also in my Metal Orientation class, in which I discovered my talent and passion of building great structures integral to the foundation of our society.
One thing in the world that has influenced me the most is my family. My parents inspired me by encouraging me to attend a prestigious college, where I can reach my full potential and achieve great heights. I cannot wait to see what college has in store for me. Now on the cusp of my high school graduation, I have seen how quickly time has passed and while it was unique, I know that I need to move forward to achieve my full potential. And to reach that potential, I know the only way is to surround myself around the environment that is most conducive to the goals I have for myself, my family, and the world. Attending a prestigious college will be a significant and satisfying experience.
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<p>Personal statement 2 - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<pre><code>Many people have their own personal qualities that make them distinct from others. These qualities can vary from humor, athletic ability, intelligence, or talent, just to name a few. These qualities make them stand out, allowing employers, colleges, and family members to distinguish them from a typical person. My most important and distinguishing qualities are my ability to learn from my mistakes and my level of commitment.
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<p>When I am committed to something, I invest myself fully into doing it as best as I possibly can. I was not always like this; in Elementary School I was a slacker who barely did his homework, but I have grown over the years into a more mature person, as I saw the world around me and realized that it is not all fun and games. I have accepted responsibility and put my full effort into my education and my future. For example, I was highly committed to studying for the AP World History Exam, so in the upcoming weeks before the exam, I cut off all possible distractions -- no video games, no television, and no procrastination. I focused purely on studying in my room, with short breaks in between. My focused studying paid off, as I received a proficient score on my AP World History Exam.
Additionally, I am committed to challenging myself; this is why I took the hardest two courses available in high school, AP Physics B and AP Calculus BC. I know I have the motivation and intelligence to handle these courses, so I take as many of them as I can handle. I can carry this quality through college, where the curriculum is especially more difficult and I will have to devote a lot more time to my classes. Additionally, I believe that my future as an engineer will benefit from my focused ability because engineers require a long attention span and precise estimations. My ability to commit to deadlines will suit me well as an engineer.
Not only am I committed, but I can realize my mistakes and know when to fix them. For example, on my January SAT, I slacked off by procrastinating, playing video games, and doing homework for other classes, ignoring the upcoming SAT. However, once the scores for the January SAT came out, I was disappointed in myself. The score served as a wake-up call to me that I cannot slack off, and I must try my hardest. I knew I could have done better; therefore, I vowed to improve; I focused on my weaknesses, the Critical Reading and essay portions, and I improved my score by 200 points.
I also started my own business by buying and selling shoes online. This requires a lot of dedication; I need to wake up before dawn because the shoes release extra early. I also have to compete with thousands of customers on the Internet, so I plan my day accordingly to succeed in the release. In both vending shoes and in my life, I know what steps to take to prepare myself to succeed and if I don’t, I know what questions to ask and how to improve on my errors.
Everyone needs at least one special talent. Musicians have their talented voices and singing abilities. Athletes have their athleticism. Actors have their abilities to become someone else. Everyone needs at least one special quality to distinguish themselves from the rest of the world and solidify their legacies. My distinguishing qualities are my level of commitment and my ability to realize my mistakes. I can carry these qualities through college, as they help me focus more on studying, and allow me to make a difference on my campus and in the world.</p>

<p>Prompt 1: Very loose and vague; you are trying to say that the prospect of going to College is what shapes your dreams and aspirations? your parents have motivated you (extremely cliche)? Ditch the all-knowing first sentence. It doesn’t make any sense at all (poorly worded), and I don’t understand why there are so many “one’s”. Who is this “one”. This essay about you. “Potential” is something you probably shouldn’t mention. Who can actually gauge your potential? You’re just shooting empty words in an attempt to impress officers.</p>

<p>Prompt 2: Stopped reading after the first couple of sentences. I would think that admissions officers already know that there are many people with very different talents out there in the world - they don’t need you to define this for them. Same for your concluding paragraph.</p>

<p>Don’t list classes and things that you’ve taken/ done that already show on your application - reach a little deeper and show the admissions officers who you are. I think the story of buying and selling shoes online can be a interesting experience to share - I would focus your second on this.</p>

<p>What should I write about for my first prompt?</p>

<p>Here are my thoughts:</p>

<p>UC #1:
“(E)ngineering was inspired by my ability to create, to build, to make something of myself for others. Mathematics has always been one of my strongest subjects in academics. In taking the most rigorous Mathematics courses available, I have realized that it is the language of life. One can apply Mathematics to any situation, no matter how small it may seem. In understanding this language, I have been able to succeed not only in my Mathematics courses, but also in my Metal Orientation class, in which I discovered my talent and passion of building great structures integral to the foundation of our society.”</p>

<p>How about rewriting a whole new essay focusing “your world/experiences/insights” of math and engineering, which I sensed is your passion. And be sure to also answer the second part of the prompt of how that world shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>UC #2
“I also started my own business by buying and selling shoes online. This requires a lot of dedication; I need to wake up before dawn because the shoes release extra early. I also have to compete with thousands of customers on the Internet, so I plan my day accordingly to succeed in the release.”</p>

<p>I agree with Lucky2012 that your own shoe online business would be a good essay topic. How about taking admissions through a typical morning or day of how you run your business with vivid descriptive details. And through your actions, you can “show”, instead of tell, admissions who you are.</p>

<p>Below are useful links on college essay writing:</p>

<p>On how to approach UC Prompts
<a href=“http://www.cfep.uci.edu/ub/senior_center/uc_personal_statement.html”>http://www.cfep.uci.edu/ub/senior_center/uc_personal_statement.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>College Essay Sample:
<a href=“http://www.conncoll.edu/admission/apply/essays-that-worked/michelle-b-lee-18/”>http://www.conncoll.edu/admission/apply/essays-that-worked/michelle-b-lee-18/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Since you’re interested in attending a selective college, here are samples of John Hopkins essays:
<a href=“https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays/”>https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! : )</p>

<p>I heard that you shouldn’t put creative writing (poems, scene-setting, or cliches), quotations or metahpors or anything of that sort in your personal statement, according to a packet i received.</p>

<p><a href=“https://admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/docs/default-source/PDFs/ucsb-personal-statement.pdf?sfvrsn=2”>https://admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/docs/default-source/PDFs/ucsb-personal-statement.pdf?sfvrsn=2&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;