<p>Ramaswami's posts summarize pretty well how I feel about my son, who is an only child. I do consider it a privilege, and one that makes me happy, to do whatever I can to allow him to have the best education possible and go to the school where he'll be happiest -- which, in his case and given who he is, means the U. of Chicago with its $53K in estimated total costs for the coming year. And I will do everything in my power to see that he is <em>not</em> saddled with huge debt for years to come. I'd rather take out loans myself, and be saddled with debt forever, than permit that to happen.</p>
<p>After all, from my point of view, he's already repaid me a hundredfold for everything I've ever done, or ever can do for him, by being and becoming the loving, wonderful person he is. Of course he's grateful, but no more than I am to him.</p>
<p>I am simply not ever going to be like my father, who is very affluent, but responded to my figuratively begging him recently to help out with my son's education just like all the other affluent Jewish grandparents do (not that I said that!) -- it was the first time I've asked him for a penny in 33 years, since he refused to help me out with $100/month so I could afford to live in a small apartment rather than a boarding house my first year of law school -- by sending an additional $500 above the nominal amount he sent last year. (And, yes, my son did thank him.) </p>
<p>True, my father did pay all of my college expenses at Yale. In those days, however, tuition was, I believe, about $5,000 per year. My father was already making six figures at the time. It was not a burden then. (Besides, my mother was still alive then, and her philosophy was more like mine.) And I know that helping out his only grandchild more would not be a burden now.
In his place, I would do everything I could to help. But it's his decision, and his right to make it, and there's nothing I can do about it.</p>
<p>Which leaves it up to me and my ex.</p>
<p>However, even though my ex and I, together, make what most people would consider a lot of money (> $150,000 per year), and my son is aware of that (although he has no idea what the exact total is), I don't think he had any real idea, until I explained it to him (for instance, by showing him how empty my checking account is at the end of every month!) just how far that doesn't go in the New York City area, especially when, because of divorce, there are two households to support rather than one. </p>
<p>And I also explained that I have no intention of using my retirement monies (unfortunately meager as they are) to pay for his education, particularly since I have some longstanding medical issues that will continue for the rest of my life. </p>
<p>Therefore, I do expect him to take out his $3,500 Stafford Loan this year, and whatever he can in subsequent years, and to work during the summers, and to make whatever he can by working 10-15 hours a week during the school year (although I won't ask him to do that his first term, and maybe even the whole first year). </p>
<p>So he's going to have to contribute something to his own education. I think that's only right, and an important thing for him to learn to do. Because if he goes to graduate school, I'm not sure how much help my ex and I will be able to be.</p>
<p>Still, I view his college tuition as largely his parents' responsibility, as long as we can reasonably afford it. YMMV, and obviously sometimes does.</p>
<p>(And, btw, for divorced parents, there often <em>is</em> a legal obligation, written into the divorce agreement, for the parents to share the cost of college tuition. So dropping their contribution down to zero because they think their kid has a "bad attitude" is simply not an option!)</p>
<p>Donna</p>