<p>This summer we’ve really made our college-bound S look after himself. I quit responding when he said he was hungry (unless it was mealtime) and told him he knew where the kitchen was. Now he just snacks less. And he’s lost five pounds.</p>
<p>He knows how to do laundry, so this summer I completely stopped and started telling him to do his own. This one hasn’t worked out so well. He steals clean underwear from his younger brother.</p>
<p>He has a summer job. Knowing he would have to get himself up and get moving at college, we stopped waking him up in the morning. He is usually about 10 minutes later for work, but he does get himself there.</p>
<p>We opened an account for him and he is now expected to pay for his gas money, dates and his other “wants” out of his own pocket. This has really worked, because he now pays a lot more attention to how much things cost. He’s only bought one CD this summer, and he now takes his girlfriend to matinee movies, because it’s less expensive.</p>
<p>Baby steps, to be sure, but better than nothing. I am concerned that he won’t do his laundry.</p>
<p>^Don’t worry…once he realizes that stealing underwear from his roommate is probably considered bad form, he’ll make that trip to the laundry room.</p>
<p>A real life testimony to what we have been chatting about here. A couple took their d for her freshman orientation yesterday. This student is moving from the Chicago area to Oklahoma. After the students were sent to “do their thing”, the parents were addressed. Paraphrasing, they said that they (the university) were prepared for the most challenging, difficult class to date as far as dependency on parents. They were BEGGING the parents to let their kids grow up, feel college experience, feel LIFE outside of their “comfort bubbles”! This must be becoming universal after the earlier post about the orientation titled “helicopter parents”. When Universities are finding the need to make such an emphasis on “stop coddling”, I guess there must be a more wide spread problem than first thought. Best of luck to those parents who will be getting their kid back after a semester or 2 to maybe go to community college,(not that community college is a bad thing), and not probably, but most assuredly be living at home for quite a few more years. They have created the problem and wonder why? I dont blame the kids, I blame the parents!!!</p>
<p>I do not get what the problem is? Kids who want to stay at home, should stay and kids who wants to go should go and kids who wants to come back, should be able to do so, we are still their parents, right? We let our D. to decide. She is fine out-of town, if she wants to come back she is welcome. If they are not ready for college at all, they should do something else with their life. So, we are blaming kids/parents … for what?</p>
<p>While I think there will be kids who need to stay home because of health or maturity concerns, they are not the main issue. My youngest has learning disabilities and is globally delayed. She may not be able to handle living away from home until a few years later than other kids. That’s OK. The problem is with kids who, had they been encouraged to become independent, would have been fully capable of it and willing to do so, but were not allowed to because of the “need” of the parent to hover and control, not their own need for parental help and guidance.</p>
<p>I agree…The GFG. That is the point I am trying to get across. Many of these kids want “their cake and eat it too”. They want to be independent and go away to school, but they dont want to walk anywhere, they dont want to do their own laundry, they dont want to eat the cafeteria food. They want the “creature comforts” of home to go with them and have a terrible time adjusting. I have heard from many many parents that their kids say, “dont ask me what I am doing, where I am going, or who I am with, because I am an adult now”, BUT…“I want you to pay for everything and do everything for me because I am still your kid”!! Many parents are still doing everything for them and paying for everything but have expectations of them growing up. I think this sends a mixed message and unless it is clear what is expected of them as they mature into adults, it creates confusion and often times, broken relationships. THAT is what I blame the parents for and not the kids!</p>
<p>I was never asked to do much when I was a teenager. I don’t think that’s a great idea, but let’s just say that it didn’t take me long to figure all of it out when I got to college. So, I don’t think it’s about laundry and figuring out public transportation or keeping a checkbook. </p>
<p>What I wish I’d know more about: </p>
<p>I wish I had learned earlier the skills of self-advocacy, assertiveness, and negotiation. </p>
<p>I wish I had learned earlier to recognize when I needed help and how to ask for it. </p>
<p>I wish I had learned earlier to manage moods and emotions. </p>
<p>Not to mention eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep!</p>
<p>It’s likely that I WOULD have known more about how to do all that if I HAD been asked to do more for myself when I was at home, but those are also things that I wish my parents had even TALKED with me about. </p>
<p>I also agree with the student above who mentioned learning to drink responsibly. And it is possible to do it without having your kid start drinking young, giving them alcohol, or even having it in the house.</p>
<p>Thanks Heron. It is good to hear a student’s point of view. Yes, maybe my examples of laundry and transportation etc. don’t really apply to everyone. I was hoping to get some of your points across indirectly as well. </p>
<p>I must say as a Mom that it was not always easy asking my boys to do the things that I did in preparation for adulthood, but one by one they are thanking me for it. It was sweet but almost embarrassing when my middle son stood up at his Senior wrestling banquet and said, “for all the arguments that my Mom and I had about diet and rest and not taking supplements…it turned out that she was right”. </p>
<p>I am sorry that you didn’t have parents who talked to you about those things, but you sound like you are doing well to figure it all out. </p>
<p>As far as the drinking responsibly? My older 2 have had their curiosities with it and the oldest one is now a Paramedic and goes nowhere without a DD because he deals with alcohol and drug related incidents in his job. My middle one was chosen to be in a program in High School this year called “Every 15 minutes”. He was basically a victim in a “mock car accident” staged in front of the high school due to an “alcohol related accident on prom night”. He was in a tuxedo in the back seat of a crashed up car, was cut out with the Jaws of Life and loaded into an ambulance as his entire Jr and Sr class watched silently! He had to write a letter to his family as if he had died that day and we had to do the same. He and his classmates were taken away for the night for an overnight seminar and were not allowed to have contact with ANYONE. When the parents and students were reunited the next day, again in front of the entire student body,there was not a dry eye in the gym. My son has been FOREVER CHANGED!!! </p>
<p>Having said that, the Mom who was the speaker that day (who had lost her son to a drunk driving incident) said that she knew standing up there telling a gym full of young people not to drink was rediculously naive on her part. She did, however, say that she had made a promise to her deceased son that she would never “stop trying” to get the message across. Her older son has never spoken of his brothers death (it has been almost 10 years), and is now an alcoholic. There are indeed ways of educating without being judgemental and I wish there was more of that being done. </p>
<p>I can confidently say that in the majority of cases the answer to the OP’s question is a resounding yes. I base this on my own experience as a parent of a recent college grad and a soon to be college junior, and also in what I have observed in the vast majority of students that graduated high school with mine also supports this answer.</p>
<p>Were they all ready? Of course not. Were there things we could have done better? Sure. </p>
<p>I believe that as long as we send them ready to learn as well as ready to deal with setbacks we have done our job.</p>
<p>Let your kid know that they are not special. They do not deserve special treatment and that they are not a single unique snowflake to anyone but you. If I had a dollar for every kid who asked for exceptional circumstances or for every entitled comment. </p>
<p>Do not do work for your child. I had an ugly confrontation with a parent who plagiarized a paper for her son…I love the kid, but if this keeps up he will get kicked out of college.</p>
<p>Funny story of an excursion summer before Freshman year of college. We sent our S by himself to Germany (complete with changing planes twice), he got through that OK. Lived in a student hotel. When it came time to do laundry in the facilities in the basement, unbeknown to him he encountered a single cycle washer. He had no idea why his laundry came out sopping wet, tried to dry it, then wring it all out by hand and dry it again. Later on, after many euros spent on laundry, he learned from another student that there was a separate spin machine. He learned many things on that trip.</p>
<p>Heron: I was never asked to do much when I was a teenager. I don’t think that’s a great idea, but let’s just say that it didn’t take me long to figure all of it out when I got to college. So, I don’t think it’s about laundry and figuring out public transportation or keeping a checkbook. </p>
<ul>
<li>That is my D’s position. She is the most sheltered kid that is known to me and the youngest in a class (Birthday in October). I never asked her to do anything at home, since I do not like doing any housework myself (we hire as much help as possible). She never attended public school either. However, I talked to her about need to do laundry and such in college. Since she still choose to go out of town instead of going to college at home where she was accepted with full tuition scholarship, it basically made her more responsible for taking care of herself since it was her choice. Anyway, anybody who can read English words on a Washer/Dryer knobs and instructions on Detergent box, can do laundry. It is more attitude than a skill. One thinks about laundry as a nice relaxing break from studies and another as unwanted chore. D. also mentioned to me that cafeteria food tastes much better than what I cook - no insult to me, since as I mentioned I hate doing it anyway. I believe what helped most to my D. at college was her social skills and willingness and ability to work very hard. Which made me think that if I asked her to do a lot at home, she would not develop as much in those 2 important areas, since she would not have as much time for doing homework, EC’s and going out with her friends. One of her friends actually has this problem, being forced as an oldest sibling out of 4 to do a lot at home. She found herself both less prepared socially and academically and actually had to switch a major from challenging science oriented to undecided.</li>
</ul>
<p>Where are y’all finding these people? I don’t think I met <em>anyone</em> at college who wasn’t fine with doing their own laundry, arranging their own non-automobile transportation (if they don’t like walking, then biking, or whatever), or taking care of their own food arrangements (whether this was dining hall food, cooking for themselves, or whatever).</p>
<p>I DO remember an extremely sheltered freshman whose mother <em>insisted</em> that a nearby university’s (optional, pay-extra) laundry service needed to make a special trip over to our campus to do his laundry, because he couldn’t possibly handle it himself. The unfortunate young man, now about to be a senior, had actually been handling his laundry, and the rest of his affairs, just fine, for weeks, and was mortified. He has thrived in the chance to actually develop some independence.</p>
<p>Gee- why bother with college when your kids know all of this? Nothing wrong with learning it at school. I’ll never forget a friend years ago who described her Stanford freshman’s son’s surprise at a classmate who didn’t know how to do his laundry- the kid learned. It is nice for kids to have a wide range of experiences and skills, but they will get them when they need/want them (some lessons fall on deaf ears). Concentrate on the academics preparation, I like response #34.</p>
<p>It takes a couple of minutes to teach someone (especially a teenage boy) how to do laundry. Our S won’t be washing delicates; he won’t have any clothes that need special washing techniques; he won’t be ironing. We have gotten him a checking account, savings account and debit card, so there will be no money issues. He has set up the ePay account for college payments.</p>
<p>The bigger issues are academic and emotional readiness. We all, of course, do the best we can to make sure our kids are prepared for college. Presumably, since his college accepted him, they are confident that he will be able to do the work. Time will tell on that one.</p>
<p>Emotional readiness is something else again. Our D had serious mental health issues starting at a young age. Those problems were addressed, but another one emerged when she first started college. After a year off, she is now much healthier and ready to try again. There was nothing that my H and I could have done to prevent her problems. She had to come to the realization that she needed help, she had to ask for help and she had to accept it. We couldn’t force her to do anything. All we could do was to be there for her when she was ready.</p>
<p>Our S, who will be starting college 2000 miles away in September, is serene and capable, and I have no worries about his ability to thrive in the future. We have done nothing special “to prepare him.” He just picks up what he needs to know from his environment. Some kids need more help in advance. Most kids that I know have done pretty well in adjusting to college.</p>
<p>gladmom-my parents took all of 30 seconds to explain laundry to me.</p>
<p>“Wash everything in warm water and cool rinse. Except whites…those you wash in hot.”</p>
<p>tah-dah.</p>
<p>I think most of my peers are more “ready” than some of you are giving us credit for. Yes, there are the odd entitled brats, but they’re the exception, not the rule. In fact, to my group of friends, I’m the “entitled” one because I have no chores except to help get the house ready for the housekeepers once a week and to do what my parents ask me to without too much grumbling (this is partly because I’m never home to do said chores…I had them when I was younger). We’re all pretty independent and I think those of us who are going off to college wouldn’t be if we didn’t think we could handle it.</p>
<p>It’s about younger kids at a sleep away camp, but I think the article has relevance here. It also cemented the idea that I’ve always had that whatever camp counselors are paid, it isn’t enough by far! :)</p>
![http://d1.biggestmenu.com/00/00/2d/58e734546d0d59fc_m.jpg]yummy
