Are we as parents properly preparing our kids for college life?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>As I read through some of the “painful” threads and posts of parents who are seriously struggling with their kids college experience, I ask the question.
Have we in general been fair to our kids in preparing them for college or life? Understanding that every student is different and family is different, I dont use all or none, or always or never, but it seems like we either have a lot of kids who haven’t been prepared for life away from home or parents who don’t want to let go. Perhaps it might be a valuable excercise for some to take a summer or two trying some of the things that might come as a shock in a different environment. How about:</p>

<li><p>If they are not already doing it, do their own laundry at home or a coin laundry facility. Many are not going to school close enough to take the laundry home on weekends.</p></li>
<li><p>Try a summer of using the local transportation in the area (understanding that it is not always possible in some remote or rural areas). Try taking a local bus or train or riding a bike for a whole summer. Put the keys away to the car and don’t offer rides or let your student rely on friends to take them. This is a lesson for getting to classes and activities when one doesn’t have their personal car or friends car to depend on i.e. students who attend school in Manhattan.</p></li>
<li><p>Try to find a camp or summer session in the geographic area that your s or d might think they will like for 4 years at college. If you can find one that is held at a college where the students stay in college dorm rooms and eat the cafeteria food. Contrary to what some Socal kids think, there are not B.J.'s Restaurant and In N Out Burgers EVERYWHERE!!! Huge culture shock :)</p></li>
<li><p>Try to expose your s or d as much as possible to the reality of a diversified collection of cultures that a college atmosphere might present. Can a “Southern Belle” share a room with a “Valley Girl”? Sure, but it might take some real open mindedness and understanding. Our young people today are for the most part very open minded and we are sometimes responsible for their viewpoints or sense of prejudice.</p></li>
<li><p>If you haven’t already, send your s or d on a trip where they have to change planes and experience the rigors of airline travel these days. It doesn’t help to search out non-stop flights for their comfort and ease, as they may be forced to change planes at some point and that can be overwhelming.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Why do I even bother to suggest these things. I am not in any way implying that parents are ignorant and don’t know how to raise their children, but I think there is value in calculated preparation.</p>

<p>It was not easy being born in England to leave everything I knew at the age of 8, move to Germany, become an Air Force Brat and adjust to a complete new culture. Even though Americans speak English, it was brutal being an 8 year old with a British accent entering Dept. of Defense school on an AFB with all american kids. I forced myself to lose my British accent just to be accepted (I dare say most 8 year olds would do the same).</p>

<p>My 16 years of being a travel agent (15 of those in Oklahoma) gave me an eye opener to how many people just did not understand the cultural differences and diversity as they traveled outside of their “comfort zone”. You have heard of the reputation that we have overseas of the “Ugly American Syndrome”, basically meaning that some expect everything there to be the same as here and demand it :(.</p>

<p>I truly believe that travel is the best and most valuable gift that you can give to your kids IF you and they embrace the cultural differences. It can really make the transition of leaving home and going away to college or a job somewhere a far more pleasant experience.</p>

<p>And as an ending funny antidote…Moms of boys…(I have 3 of my own),don’t move them into their college dorm rooms and insist on making their beds and hanging curtains, etc.etc. That is almost as bad as running out on the football field when they are injured in their Jr or Sr year in High School. Let go and have fun watching them evolve :)</p>

2

<p>

</p>

<p>But…but…WHERE WILL I GET MY PIZOOKIES???</p>

<p>LIES. I refuse to believe it.</p>

<p>j/k. :)</p>

3

<p>I really don’t think that most of the things you mentioned are the sort that make or break a college experience. I think the “hot buttons” are things like:</p>

<p>having to share a room with a stranger (many kids now have never shared a room at all) and learning that you will not have the kind of privacy you have at home and have to negotiate things like what time lights will be turned off, how loud music will be played, whether guests can stay overnight, etc.</p>

<p>dealing with different attitudes towards sex and the use of drugs and alcohol,</p>

<p>experimenting with any of the foregoing–especially the dangers of date rape if you’re drunk, </p>

<p>learning to “pace” yourself when there are few tests and papers in a class but if you wait to do all the reading until the test, you will be overwhelmed (many kids are used to having daily homework or weekly tests with lots of feedback along the way), </p>

<p>learning to ask for help if you need it (in high school, teachers are more likely to reach out to a struggling student to give a bit of extra help),</p>

<p>and having to be “in charge of” yourself–nobody is going to take your temperature or insist that you get more sleep or eat enough or exercise or have clean clothes, or allocate your time wisely between a social life and studying, or stop you from spending all the money you have during the first half of the semester,thus leaving you impossibly broke, etc. </p>

<p>I do agree with you that kids who’ve traveled, especially on their own, have a bit of an advantage when they start college. With the price of air travel these days, I think it would be rather costly to have an “about to start college” (with all those bills) student take a plane ride just to learn a lesson–and maybe the trip would go flawlessly. </p>

<p>While I agree it would be good to go to a summer program away from home–preferably one where you have a roommate and have to do your laundry–I don’t think it has be be in the geographic area in which you hope to attend college. And I think it could just as effectively be a job away from home–working as a camp counselor or at a national park, etc. </p>

<p>I do think that so many intangibles really can make or break your college, especially freshman year, experience. What kind of roommate you get if you have one can be very important. The conflicts aren’t about Southern Belles vs. Valley girls, so much as “wants to study in room”" vs. likes to party in room; wants to go to bed by 11 pm vs. routinely stays up til 2 or 3 am; has significant other stay overnight so often (s)he ought to be paying part of the room charges vs. thinks two people in small room are more than enough, thank you, etc.</p>

4

<p>Great post. I sent both my boys to a camp on a college campus so they could learn many of the lessons you talked about. And so I could learn I wouldn’t fall apart without them. :)</p>

<p>Both boys did fine with their roommates but identified someone they’d rather room with the next year. I taught them how to do laundry, but the machines were totally different and guess what? They figured it out without calling home.</p>

<p>I agree that travel is so important, and it’s the one thing I really regret about quitting my job – not being able to expose them to lots of travel.</p>

5

<p>

That’s funny - there’s a BJ’s right next to each of my D’s Universities. They’d go broke if they tried to eat more than a few meals there per quarter though.</p>

6

<p>At the moment, we are hosting 4 students my son met while spending a year as an exchange student. They did not arrive together, but over 3 separate days (2 traveled together). They range in age from 17-19. European parents are so comfortable with this process that I never received one email or call about any of the arrangements. Most of us in this country would never have done that, but it is common place in Europe. We do baby our kids way too much, and thus they are generally unprepared for living independently in college. Hence, all my son’s “white” clothes are decidedly gray.</p>

7

<p>(I’m a student)</p>

<p>I think probably the #1 thing parents should do to prepare their children for college is to slowly introduce them to alcohol over their time in highschool, in a safe home setting.</p>

8

<p>I have a d who will be a college senior and a s who will be a college sophomore. Yes, there has been a learning curve for such things as laundry, scheduling, etc., but those things are minor glitches. Alcohol and drugs - somewhat of an eye opener, I think, but the right not to participate seems to be okay in and of itself.</p>

<p>Biggest problem for both of my kids: roommates with the live-in bf/gf. The roommates do not seem to understand or more likely choose not to understand the imposition of having an additional person under foot. If two people are meant to share a bathroom and suddenly three people are - well, not good. (Really awkward - going to take a shower and finding it shared by two.) Complaints about the living arrangements only generate accusations of jealousy and a deaf ear by a roommate who isn’t ready to give up the freedom of having the bf/gf stay.</p>

<p>Any suggestions, anyone?</p>

9

<p>The sleep over etiquette seems to bring about the most problems for D1’s friends. Ish…I wouldn’t have been able to have my boyfriend sleepover with someone else in the room! sigh…I really am getting old!;)</p>

10

<p>Conversation earlier this week:</p>

<p>Me: “Why do you need extra long sheets for a girls dorm at an all-girls college?”</p>

<p>She: “There are some very tall girls. Besides, we can have guys sleep over for 5 days straight, then they have to leave for at least one day before they can come back.”</p>

<p>Me: “I hope your roommate doesn’t do that!”</p>

11

<p>Don’t know that there is any life experience that can prepare your for inconsiderant, self-centered, “me myself, and I” thinking. Hopefully our kids will find good roomates with the same values we have tried to instill in them.</p>

12

<p>looking back at my college years, I didn’t get any of the “prep” recommended by the OP. No travel. No camps. I guess I may have done my laundry a few times.
Still, I ended up adjusting just fine…but part of that was that I had a terrific roomate and met a group of friends that ended up staying together all four years.
I did go through some culture shock - an upstate girl surrounded by New Yorkers and Long Islanders who thought I talked funny (hello…who sounds more like Walter Cronkite?). Lots of drinking. Sharing a small space. Crowded lecture halls. Bad food…REALLY bad. But it was an adventure. Most kids did just fine with it.<br>
So yeah, some prepping might be helpful but let’s not go overboard or feel guilty if we can’t spend on plane trips or travel. IMO, nice to do but not necessary. Kids figure it out.</p>

13

<p><a href=“I’m%20a%20student”>quote=Kicharo</a></p>

<p>I think probably the #1 thing parents should do to prepare their children for college is to slowly introduce them to alcohol over their time in highschool, in a safe home setting.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Glad to know we did something right ! </p>

<p>My kids knew how to do laundry and cook somewhat. Or if they want to know, there is always Google. We were college students once too, and our parents certainly didn’t “prepare” us. There is value in figuring out things for oneself. ;)</p>

14

<p>There is value in figuring out things for oneself. </p>

<p>That is the most valuable way to “teach your kids” how to leave the nest. You nailed it Munchkin. I’ve never seen so much molly coddling during the upper teen years than what is occuring these days. Seems to me there are more parents that need lessons than kids.</p>

15

<p>Wow, I’ve been saying this for years. Not only are we not preparing them for college, we’re not preparing them for life. This is the generation of entitlement, just ask anyone who interviews recent college graduates for hire. We all seem to be so intent on protecting our kids, instead of giving them the guidance to succeed on their own. I know of parents who helped their daughter write essays in college!! What will they do, go to work with her? Sorry, venting!</p>

16

<p>During the orientation visit to my oldest son’s college, at the parent meeting we sat in the dark, waiting for the video to begin…the sound came suddenly: loud, hovering helicopters! The theme of te meeting was “Don’t be a helicopter parent!”</p>

17

<p>One thing I think I did right was that at around age 16 or sooner depending on the task and on the child’s maturity, I insisted that my children handle their own business. Need drivng lessons? Well, call around to 5 companies for prices and availability, and set something up yourself. Want to go to camp? Research offerings, prices and dates, and once we agree, fill out the registration form, address the envelope, and mail it. Seems pretty basic and a no-brainer, but a lot of parents do everything big and small for their kids. When they arrive at college, suddenly the students have many major adjustments to make and, on top of them, there are these little business items which then can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.</p>

18

<p>TheGFG…I did very similar exercises with my 3 boys and although they were very busy with school and athletics, etc., all 3 have been doing their own laundry and keeping up their rooms since they were 13. They all had their own checkbooks at 16 and taught to do a simple tax return when they were old enough to file. They all know how to iron, cook and clean. Their Dad taught them how to change a tire and the simple things that keep a car in good maintained shape. Most kids these days can navigate around the internet, make cell phones do incredible things, and use all of the new age technology to the best of their ability. I see no reason why they can’t do research, start learning to pay bills, manage their money, manage their time and begin to live as young adults. I think we are one of few families in So Cal that dont have a maid, a gardner, or a pool service. We seem to manage fine with 2 adults and 2 able bodies sons. It seems to be a double standard to a lot of our young people today of “don’t ask, I am an adult”, but will you do everything for me because I am still a kid!! What is that all about? I agree that starting those “real life” exercises as early as one can will only help with the transition and I believe that our young people are completely capable. Some parents just have a little harder time letting it happen than others. I love the “helicopter parent” analogy. You can’t protect them forever and if they never have a chance to experience anything but door to door service and everything done for them, how can we expect them to adjust in college?</p>

19

<p>My kids hate it when I make them order takeout, but if they are the ones asking for it, I think it’s the least they can do. Absolutely teach your kids the basics of laundry - sorting laundry is basic, machines are similar. My kids are used to walking and using public transport. My older son is happy in a far away dorm - the walk is less than the mile and a half he walked very day to high school. I can’t imagine kids having culture shock because their favorite fast food places are missing, though I admit my older son is not very adventurous about eating out. (Though he does like chicken vindaloo.) Both kids had checking accounts before college. I was far too lazy and disorganized myself to ever be excessively involved in schoolwork or EC scheduling.</p>

20

<p>I think the single most important thing is learning to manage your money - balancing a checkbook, using (and paying for) a credit card, building and living by a budget etc. </p>

<p>For DS Senior year in HS, we made him financially some what independent - own checking account and own credit card (we cosigned). We then worked with him to build a budget - and track spending within that budget. He got a paycheck from us twice a month along with what he earned on his own. We also agreed on what we would pay for and what he would pay for when there was a joint bill (some things are better to keep together like car insurance). </p>

<p>Bottom line - one of the best things we have done - yes he got into trouble - but it was just a little trouble and now he knows better. As he moves into college, I am comfortable that he will be fine with that aspect of his life.</p>