<p>Lately I’ve been watching Toddlers and Tiaras on TV, and I’ve found myself drawing some odd parallels between those obsessed moms of toddlers who want a crown and proof that their child is the prettiest, and those obsessed moms of high school students who want a scholarship and high SAT scores and proof that their child is the smartest. Some of the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras are nutty and are clearly hurting their children, and clearly want bragging rights and a ‘payoff’ and to live vicariously through their child, and they seem to ignore the signals that the child is miserable – and I find myself wondering. You see the 2 year old that needs a nap and instead is being fed sugar and told to go out and smile, and at home I have a 15 year old that stayed up until 3 last night studying for an AP exam and I wonder if there’s really a huge difference. Am I the only one?</p>
<p>^ no you are not. I think too many parents push their kids from an early age. Kids are only kids for a very short time and they shouldn’t be stressed out at such a young age…they have their entire adult life to be stressed…lol.</p>
<p>I’m an active, involved parent but didn’t let myself fall into the trap of always pushing my kids and having them take the hardest possible schedules. In the end, the extra 2-3 AP classes will not make a difference.</p>
<p>Yes, we are too obsessed. It’s the hallmark of our generation as parents, imo. But I can understand where it comes from, which is love. We just need to modulate it a little, or we run the risk of not equipping our kids with a little perspective and moxie of their own so that they can succeed.</p>
<p>I admit to being…not obsessed…but invested. And, lol, all three have taken it out of my hands. Though I am working toward becoming a paid college counselor, my children have kept me on my toes, because THEY took control of the reins. S1 fell head over heels in love with a school, applied ED (and thankfully got in) and is now a happy college graduate. S2 was a musician who was going to conservatory from the day he began playing his instrument at age 6 (an audition journey that showed me the benefits of anti-anxiety drugs–for ME); and now S3, clearly the highest grade-and-score kid who has fallen in love with a very, very narrow arts passion, and who took standardized tests once, did fine but not fab, has applied to two super-reaches, two matches (in theory) and one safety–all that have this highly specialized program. He has pursued the art outside of school, and was able to submit an arts supplement. He has refused to buy into the test re-taking, resume-building and teacher schmoozing his peers are going for. His teachers talk of his ease with school, but lack of enthusiasm for subjects unless they ring his chimes. He will land, I pray, at the one match that has the perfect program. <em>I</em> had planned, three years ago, that he apply to several EA schools, so he would have answers early, and then do the “reach, match, safety” game with a few more. Nope, he did what HE wanted, and we wait. Though I am anxious on his behalf, and know (given my budding expertise) he could have packaged/tested/whatever himself better, the fact that HE did what HE wanted was a win. And those last-minute essays are actually pretty good. He’s going to bloom in college, after being fairly unmotivated in HS.</p>
<p>I’d like to think my wife and I tend to be both. As we all know times and things are different. When I graduated HS 30 years ago (same school as my now senior and sophmore will graduate from) things were different, I worked many jobs to put my self through school so I didn’t think twice about starting at a CC (didn’t have the stats to go 4 year right away) then to a state school. I commuted so i didn’t live on campus, did I miss out? Somewhat but i didn’t have a mountain of debt when I graduated. But things were different, there was no 10 page applications, resumes, and so on. So I think we have to be involved and sometimes helicopter a bit, because the one thing that has not changed is teenagers still know more than their parents. I try to instill a thought process in my guys, what are your plans and why, and what will this do for your future? (jobs, debt etc) Bottom line I make them think. I will brag about each for what they chose and what they do reguardless of where they go, but I help them see the big picture. My oldest has very high stats and many people say he should go Ivy, but He doesn’t want to so why should I live someone else’s dream I live with his and support him. He want to be a mathematician and the state school he will likely attend is rated #20 in the nation. My other son needs some pushing but still has over a 3.0 and plans to start at CC like dad did they are both different people. I know I’m rambling but here is the bottom line Help them make their decisions and research their schools, be involved and go on the visits, talk about it, guide them look at the big picture but let them decide within reason. Then be slightly obsessed, make sure they get needed transcripts and apps in on time, then chill out.
If you want a Harvard sweatshirt go buy one! Want to be a dad wear one that says __ university DAD. College prep was one of those things left out of the parenthood pamphlet! Take care everyone and good luck to all!</p>
<p>I too admit to being invested! My parents really didn’t do much in the way to help me pick a college or a major.
I did keep on my daughter about keeping her grades up through HS, and had her do a SAT prep class to put her in the best position possible when it came time to apply. We started visiting colleges after her sophomore year which helped keep her super motivated to get good grades. We had her research what possible majors she was interested and what Universities had departments to match her choices. (she actually did a project in 8th grade and so knew what type of test scores and grades were needed)</p>
<p>We attended college fairs at school talked to reps, went on many college visits. It was a great bonding time for the family as well.</p>
<p>To all parents who think they’re obsessed: please don’t think so! You’re just staying involved, and, honestly, it’s the best you can do since it’s the way you help your kid. My parents are the opposite:they say that it’s only my choice to me made. I haven’t heard even the slightest suggestion from them - all decision-making is my responsibility. However, it’s not a salutary situation, because I feel rather lost and afraid of making a bad decision. I’d give a lot to have the help of my parents. So, in conclusion, you’re on the right path - your kids needs your advice and encouragement!</p>
<p>We are truly invested when we put in over $200k for their college.</p>
<p>Yep, we are obsessed. However, I would rather be obsessed with helping my son make a good college decision than obsessed with big houses, cars and jewelry. </p>
<p>How obsessed and how you express that obsession is different for everyone. I spend endless hours reading cc and my son knows I do but I actually share very little of what I learn. It is my obsession to handle and not put out to him. We both just want for him to go to a school that is a good academic match for him. </p>
<p>It is also that obsession that made the application process smooth, early and with limited stress and for that I am grateful.</p>
<p>I posted before that my father completed an application to a school I had no interest in. He made multiple errors on the application, because of his tremors. This an example of a parent going too far, but I understand his intentions. You parents are obsessed in a good way.</p>
<p>The fact is that some parents really need to just relax. They have been micromanaging their kids lives since they first taught their child how to properly tie their shoes and can’t stop. At some point it is time to sit back and let the kids do some thinking and planning for themselves.</p>
<p>But there are worries. What if, after searching through a few college majors a decision is made to study dead languages as opposed to engineering. Or suppose they base their choice of school solely on the proximity of the beach.</p>
<p>It is understandable that parents are worried about their kids making mistakes that will adversely affect their lives for a huge number of years. There are also those kids that are just not interested in jumping in school yet. They might just need a gentle push.</p>
<p>If a teen does not know yet what they want to do or what they want to study then it is fine to let them take some time at the close by community college and work part time before heading to an expensive university. You don’t want them to fail and waste a bunch of money because they weren’t ready.</p>
<p>I think it is human nature to want to help someone, not just our kids but anyone, avoid any pitfalls that we ourselves might have encountered. I think back to my HS to college experience and route and while it all turned out okay in the end, it would have been nice to have someone suggest to me some options that I didn’t even know existed. </p>
<p>I think back to the choices I made and they were naive and blind without any guidance by my HS, my parents just let me do my thing and even the colleges did not have any guidance in planning for my major and career. I went to an okay program for my undergrad but I wish I had been someplace more challenging.</p>
<p>Okay, I’m obsessed - not just about where my kids attend college but about their education K-16. However, I think education is essential. Maybe I am naive but I think that the United States is still a meritocracy and that through effort and education my children can have better lives. I don’t have a lot of money to give them and they don’t have extreme athletic abilities or exceptional beauty but I think that if I can help them make the most of their natural intellects through encouraging them to study and get the best education they can, it will make a difference in their lives. That’s why I’m obsessed.</p>
<p>I want my kids to go to Brigham Young in Provo. They’ll be well looked after, get a fine education and I won’t have to worry about them getting pregnant, or getting someone pregnant.</p>
<p>Here’s a thought -do you think parents stop micromanaging just because their kids go off to college ? Many parents never stop ,calling a college because they think their kid got a bad grade .</p>
<p>I like to think that my parents less than optimal involvement in my college education helped me to make sure that my D didn’t have the same lackluster experience. Before it was time to apply, my mom told me that they could either afford the tuition (state school) or housing, but not both. I SO wanted to go away to school to escape my crappy home life (my father was cruel and angry all the time). The school I really wanted to go to was a private LAC, but there was no bus line, and my father wouldn’t let me drive the car that sat in the garage all week. So that was out. Then I got a 4 year scholarship to any state school, and I thought that was my ticket out. Then they told me they couldn’t afford the room/board and I could go to the local state college. That was her way of keeping me home. She sent in for the application, told me to fill it out and that was that. It was on a bus line (I took 3 buses one way everyday), lived at home, and worked part time. School was OK, but was not the college experience I was hoping for. H had a similar experience, family had plenty of money, he applied at downstate state U, ready to go, when his father (another gem) tells him he’s not paying for any of it. So he worked part time and took 5 years to finish at the local campus of the same state U, when he was hoping to have the same away from home college experience that I had hoped for.</p>
<p>I think we always want our kids to have better.</p>
<p>Redbug, you nailed it.</p>
<p>Well, there certainly is a trend here. I am no different.</p>
<p>Hello parents! Senior here :)</p>
<p>I think that if my parents are paying ~$55,000/year, then they have a reasonable (if not more) right to obsess over my college choices.</p>
<p>I think if you view the decision as the author says as one that “will make or break their future lives” it would be hard NOT to become obsessed.</p>
<p>I think I am a pretty level-headed parent but I allowed the process to turn me into an obsessed crazy person at times. </p>
<p>Fortunately I must have done enough right with my son prior to Junior year in HS so he could deal with me and the process! He told me many times that we were lucky when we were deciding on where to go to college since there weren’t as many choices.</p>