Reading through the parents forum, I see lots of posts such as “I spent x days editing my kid’s “resume” down from 8 pages to 2 pages”; “It looks like we’re getting all A’s this semester”; “Our list of colleges are…”; etc.
Is it possible that we are helicopter parenting and spending way too much time and energy in a college admission process that should be primarily the responsibility of the student? What happens to our 18yo when they head off to college and don’t have mom and dad there to guide them through every situation and decision, will they be able to handle it on their own?
Lol. If we are anticipating to pay close to $300,000 for a house remodeling project, you bet we will be spending lots of time selecting contractors/reading over contracts/monitoring progress. This college application process, like it or not, is an important and often critical step in our children’s future career/life. I feel fortunate that I could offer some guidance to my child, by learning more about this process and providing him with resources that he could use, so that he could focus more on things that he has control over, like his ECs/grades/mental and physical health.
It’s totally possible @socaldad2002, people in our society don’t feel safe or trusting, they are trying to control as many variables as they can to reduce vulnerability and the intent is protecting their kid. The intent makes sense in context, sadly the intended outcome can’t always be controlled for.
I’ve spent the last 3 days trying to register my kid for a summer class at a local school. She’s made 3 trips there and I’ve been on 2 of them. I’m doing all this because she didn’t watch her credits carefully at her school so now needs this one math class to graduated in the fall. So pay for one math class this summer or for an entire extra semester. I suggested this a dozen times, and she finally agreed the week before the class starts.
Why am I so involved? Because it will cost me more money. The math class had a prereq and listed a bunch of things, one being a 2.5 high school gpa. The prof said no, so we took it to the top - the dept secretary went on the computer and waived her in. The financial aid ‘kid’ (the entire school seems to be run by 18 year olds sitting at desks) told her to file the FAFSA even though I don’t think she’ll get any money. It took me 3 minutes to add the school to the 2017/18 and the 2018/19 FAFSAs (didn’t know which they use for the summer) and it would have taken my daughter hours. I’m learning a whole different system for paying, signing up, parking, fees, insurance requirements.
yes, and it is distorted. students and parents post Chance Me, list the stats and lot of classes and EC are not true passion of students. How do I know? they ask people what class to take, what EC to do, which summer programs are prestigious etc. I suggest there is cut off and lottery. For example, each school determine how top the student they want. e.g.
School #1 accepts their top tier GPA and standardized score that defined by itself
tier 1 : 60% incoming freshmen
tier 2: 15% incoming freshmen
tier 3: 15% incoming freshmen
10% discretion of school
School #2 accepts their top tier GPA and standardized score that defined by itself
tier 1 : 30% incoming freshmen
tier 2: 50% incoming freshmen
tier 3: 15% incoming freshmen
5% discretion of school
Yes and no. I admit, I was mortified at how involved I had to be in the college search at first but I’m so grateful I was! We are a family on a tight budget. I may not have spent hours editing essays but I absolutely spent hours doing research and running net price calculators. If I hadn’t, my kids would probably be living at home and going to the public school down the street… a great school but not the experience or type of education they wanted. The kids got so little guidance from school. My son didn’t see his counselor until he came up to congratulate our son on his acceptances.
My kids are very independent. I’ve seen maybe 5 homework assignments since kindergarten. They drive and get themselves where they need to be. They started getting paychecks at 10 and worked full-time every summer from age 14. Eldest just graduated college a few weeks ago and is now living 10 hours away on her own with a job. Middle is heading off to college in the fall and he’s more independent than eldest. Im really not worried about how they are turning out because I helped them apply to college.
If parents are spending $200k+ as many are here its only natural they feel “invested”. And when the chance of success in getting what you are looking for is less than 20%, of course you have to contribute in ways you can.
DH and I have been saving for her college education since she was in the womb. So researching colleges, learning all I can about the ones that might interest her, and advising her as to what it might take to get into them all comes under the umbrella of “protecting our investment” (both monetary & emotional). I guess if I had a more hands off style I wouldn’t be on CC.
I feel like I’ve been walking the tightrope between too helicopter and not helicopter enough since they were little. I know I’ve overstepped a few times. My own parents were too micro-managing and I feel like it left me at a disadvantage, so I try to stay out of their homework other than to occasionally ask if they’ve done it, but I sometimes think (given their grades … mostly good, but some could have been better with more effort) that maybe I should have been more of a task-master. Ah, I’m sure it will all work out. We all have to have something to blame our parents for one way or the other, right?
In general I think it’s fine for parents to do research and drive the process, but maybe treat it as being the project manager and research assistant while the student is the ultimate boss/decider.
I think OP has a very valid point. I will admit that I started the college list and we took a week to go look at four schools that I chose - private, public, big, and small. After those visit, dd figured out what she preferred and we started working on the expanded list together. She ended up visiting 15 schools and applied to 8 of them. I went with her to meet with her guidance counselor as the school requests, and then it was all on her. She had others edit her essays and only had me read them when they were done. Other than providing my credit card info for the application fees, she did it all. I admit to some reminding to check portals but that was the end of my involvement. I didn’t really start posting on CC until after she submitted her deposit as I was only lurking on the college specific forums looking for notification dates (I was more nervous than she was). I think my biggest role was managing her expectations and making sure she understood that rejections weren’t a personal reflection on her intellect, effort, or ability.
But when the parent posts “We are applying to X University” or “We wrote an excellent essay” or “We were denied at Y University.” That is when there is too much involvement.
Also, uninformed parental involvement can be a hazard. Many parents are not aware of just how selective many schools are now compared to when they went to college. Some parents think that BU, BC and Northeastern are safeties for their 3.3 GPA/1300 SAT student.
Some of it is just semantic. I find I get used to thinking as a family and sometimes use the ‘we’ pronoun when I really mean ‘she’. That said, I have found I need to be more involved with D2 than D1. D1 knew exactly what she wanted to major in and was quite self motivated to do the research and make her lists. I didn’t need to do much beyond schedule tours when we were free. She did come to me often for advice and suggestions, but it was really her show. I was very hands off.
D2 is less organized about the search. However, that isn’t the result of apathy or antipathy for the process. She is really overloaded this year with APs, Research, volunteering, ECs, ACT, SATs and family responsibilities. She was happy to let me take more of the lead role in making lists and doing research. I know she would have done more if I pushed the issue, but I didn’t feel it was necessary. She has already shown her passion and drive in other areas. Why put more stress on her? Sometimes families pull together to help each other that way. In the end, the decision will be hers, but I see no reason not to help.
There are also kids who are not fully self sufficient adults when they are only 16 years old. They still need help and guidance and a little push now and then. Those kids will continue growing and maturing in college. Some of those kids will need colleges that are a little more nurturing and supportive.
So maybe there are parents who do too much, but I think many of us are doing what our kids need and of course, we are all doing the best we can.
@gallentjill A couple of the “we” parents acted like it was their failure when their student was denied. And at least one admitted here on CC that they, the parent, had written the essays. That parent took the rejection as a personal failure.
I also don’t hear people getting much flack when they pay for a high buck advisor, tutor, essay editor, etc. Some of us are serving those roles for our kids on our own. I just feel like a glorified secretary to my kid. I don’t know how he can keep up rigorous course load while prepping to audition for music programs while understanding the financial aid and application process while trying to sort through a list of schools that might interest him. It is so much more convoluted and complicated than it was back when I went to college. And my dad gave me a choice of a few schools and said pick one. That was a disaster and it cost him time and money too.
If you have a kid that takes charge of the entire process and you don’t need a tight grip on the financials, enjoy!
I bought the Fiske Guide for both my kids. But to be honest, they didn’t really look at the guide on their own without some nudging. I basically created a list of about a dozen schools for both of them to explore. I think helping them get started was a big step. After they had an initial list to research, both kids handled the application process pretty much on their own. I did drive them and bought plane tickets for college visits.
I tutored a kid whose mother took the essay, threw it out, and wrote her own version, which was basically an amalgam of achievements and awards. She totally missed the point of the essay and thought the son’s very natural and likable personal essay didn’t show his accomplishments enough.
The kid actually gave in and submitted the mom’s essay and didn’t get in.
