<p>I grew up in a small town in the midwest. My parents always told my siblings and me that we were going to college and we were getting our degrees and they would help us to meet that goal. To make this affordable, all of us started our college educations at a local cc and my parents made a lot of sacrifices. I am grateful to them every day as so many of my friends and classmates (including many very academically talented students) did not have this support. I want to provide my own kids with the support that I received.</p>
<p>Nice message FallGirl.</p>
<p>I am reminded of a book that you all might consider reading about a story of a mother in Harlem who was white (married to a black man) who made sure all 12 of her children received the best education possible. Great book and shows you the extent a parent will go to make sure oneās kids reach their potential. All of the 12 went on to have advanced degrees and became doctors, lawyer etc.</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> The Color of Water: A Black Manās Tribute to His White Mother (9781573225786): James McBride: Books](<a href=āhttp://www.amazon.com/Color-Water-Black-Tribute-Mother/dp/1573225789]Amazon.com:ā>http://www.amazon.com/Color-Water-Black-Tribute-Mother/dp/1573225789)</p>
<p>āBut there are worries. What if, after searching through a few college majors a decision is made to study dead languages as opposed to engineering.ā</p>
<p>That made me laugh! My D seriously considered a classics major for about two yearsā¦now it will be just a minor. I was OK with the classics major!</p>
<p>[Great book and shows you the extent a parent will go to make sure oneās kids reach their potential. All of the 12 went on to have advanced degrees and became doctors, lawyer etc.</p>
<p>Amazon.com: The Color of Water: A Black Manās Tribute to His White Mother (9781573225786): James McBride: Books ]</p>
<p>Thank you for putting the link and title for this book, I have heard about it and wanted to read it but never could find it before now!- </p>
<p>Tizil7- thank you for your post, refreshing to see from a HS Senior!</p>
<p>Obsessed? No. One poster offered āinvested.ā Iāll agree with that. And Iāll add āresearch assistant.ā</p>
<p>My Dās schoolbus picks her up at 6:20am. She doesnāt get home, after team practice, until after 7:00pm. That does not also include chorus rehearsals, voice lessons and performances. When, exactly, is she supposed to do all this āfinding the right fitā on her own?</p>
<p>And, as others have mentioned, for the money we are going to be spending, Iām not leaving it all up to a 16/17-year-old.</p>
<p>My parents paid zero toward my schooling and that also equalled the amount of their involvement. So I guess the scale is balanced, huh.</p>
<p>Of course they need help. It is a big decision and a very important and expensive one.</p>
<p>There is a difference between that and when it becomes an obsession.</p>
<p>I am glad I could help my son so when the time came he had some great choices. I also think I made it more stressful for him. The final results were great but getting there could have been easier.</p>
<p>I donāt know if I ever crossed the line into true obsession though-I have seen some things that parents do to āhelpā their kids that I would never consider. </p>
<p>The whole process has gotten way out of control. My HS freshman is getting college mailings-how ridiculous is that?</p>
<p>My mother has been very handās off with the whole process. She went to some of the colleges I toured, and was always more focused on if I liked them. I have a friend who is Mormon, and he isnāt allowed to apply to any school except Brigham Young. I also know people who are pressured by their parents, VERY seriously, to attend their alma maters when they donāt want to. Itās one thing if a student likes a school and you donāt, but itās something much worse to try to get them to go to a school they donāt want to attend. I think parents should have a voice, but whether the student wants to spend 4 years there should be given priority.</p>
<p>DavidSSabb94: I really think that you make a good point. There is a difference between helping your child make an important decision, and taking over. On a weekend visit my S made to a school, I commented to a friend āThese parents DO know that they wonāt be attending this school, donāt they???ā </p>
<p>Some of them were just out of control. Weāre talking about refusing to leave the āProspective Student Onlyā parts of the program (and there were parent classes available to keep them busy), to the parent that S told me about who walked into a lecture with a professor and WOKE HER SON UP!!! (Iām sure that was helpful in the long run).</p>
<p>There is a middle ground between being a sounding board and giving advice, and completely losing perspective. After all, in the end, the student has to attend the school and do the workā¦</p>
<p>I fall into the category of people trying for a ādo overā for themselves, even though I truly regret nothing about my undergraduate education. But, as far as my own college search went, I slept-walked through the whole affair and no one advised me to do otherwise. At the time, my guardians were an aunt and uncle who had two small kids, comparatively little money and a limited perspective on higher education. I spent hours mooning over college catalogs, but had no idea how to get from point A to B. I had the kind of grades and test scores that (at the time, not today!) likely would have gotten me into any school I could have imagined myself attending. It didnāt occur to me to take the ACT or the SAT more than once, and I did exactly nothing to prepare for either test. I accepted a four-year-guaranteed, full tuition scholarship to the state flagship seven miles from my house. I donāt remember if I even applied to another school. Whenever I start freaking out over the amount I am about to fork over for my kidās education, I calm myself down by reasoning that the ridiculously low cost of my fine education and the headache-inducing cost of my Dās will average out to a number that makes some kind of sense. Also, whenever Iām tempted to think that her college decision will āmake or breakā my Dās future, I think of the pretty great life my own haphazardly chosen education led me to.</p>
<p>And, yes, Iām obsessed.</p>
<p>I agree with others. Many parents of our generation never helped. In my case, they hurt my college experience. My mom didnāt want me to go to college. Even after two years of college, she would not allow my dad to fill out the FA forms for me to get a student loan. One that I really needed since they were not paying for college. </p>
<p>I let dd decide on her college choice but it did have some limitations. We are footing the bill. We donāt want her taking loans. We are looking for value for the money and we hope we got it.</p>
<p>In my area I have found that parents who didnāt attend college donāt think their kids should either. I find this kind of sad as one would think everyone would want better for their kids than they had.</p>
<p>āBut there are worries. What if, after searching through a few college majors a decision is made to study dead languages as opposed to engineering.ā</p>
<p>This made me giggle. A good friend of mine in HS majored in classics at Rochester (stated reason: āI like reading the classics in the languages they were written inā, also proximity to classical piano teachers at Eastman). Sheās been very successful, got a masters and PhD from Ivies, is teaching at an Ivy biz school now.</p>
<p>My brother was a fine arts major at an alternative āhippieā college that no longer exists in the form it was in back in the 80s. Heās now a very successful VP of a high end international accessories/apparel company.</p>
<p>I believe that with some exceptions (like engineering), a college degree is a college degree, itās what you do with it that determines your success.</p>
<p>As an aside, both of my parents were very helpful to me in my own college search/app process. Though I conducted the search and did my apps basically on my own, they were supportive, and did their part.</p>
<p>Iāve been more involved than that with my S, but his personality is different than mine was. I was very driven, he isnāt, as much. So while I did a lot of research for him and have helped him stay on top of deadlines (read: nagged), and drive him to interviews/visits/auditions, I also respect his opinions and impressions of the schools heās seen. He rejected some I thought he might like, and chose some I wouldnāt have. In the end, within our financial constraints, heāll make the final choice.</p>
<p>Isnāt the answer to the OP given by the fact that we are responding to this thread on College Confidential? My kids tolerate my opinions more than listen to them, and certainly more than agreeing to them, so I send my thoughts out into cyberspace where I can pretend that they inspire others. Posts to the contrary are surely aberrations. Yeah, thatās the ticket.</p>
<p>hookdonwdw: That is extremely unfortunate, because I found parent-free Q&A sessions with current students to be VERY useful at a couple schools I visited that had them. We were able to talk about things that would have been hard to talk about with parents around (Dating, LGBT issues, and even the nightlife.) Plus, my mom found her sessions about financial aid and such to be useful. It makes more sense when thereās separation.</p>
<p>I think itās okay to be involved and committed to this process as long as we see the forest for the trees and let our kids go off to college without us obsessing MORE. I have family and friends teaching at Columbia, Marquette and NYU and all of them, in different departments, describe parents editing papers electronically, doing work for their kids from afar, and calling them to complain/beg/scream about their childās grades or student teaching experiences. Unbelievable.</p>
<p>Well, let me see. Neither dh or my parents helped us figure out college. Yes, we survived and thrived. Was that really more ideal? </p>
<p>Weāve been raising, loving and caring for our children for nearly 18 years now. We picked his schooling, attended his games, drove him all over for various things, and our family pretty much revolved around the kids in many ways. We made sure he got his homework done, and encouraged doing well in school. Where we live is a result of wanting a specific school. </p>
<p>My son is a lot like other boys out there I see. He probably wouldnāt have even looked at where to go and what to do in any meaningful way. I wasnāt going to let his cluelessness keep him from having a great college experience. He gave me the criteria, I researched and gave him lists of choices. We went on the tours and he picked where he liked and didnāt. He did the apps and the essays, but we had to keep on him to get through it. I set up the college interview. Everything he did was for himself, and never resume building. </p>
<p>He never broke a sweat worrying about where he would and wouldnāt get in. I just looked at his schools facebook page for his year, heād never bother to go do something like that. When he gets there heāll figure it all out. Heāll probably be the only kid who wonāt have any idea until he hears the welcoming greeting at orientation about how competitive the admissions was. I donāt think he ever looked at the schools website.</p>
<p>He has friends very much like himself. Really bright kids, completely clueless on how to figure all this out. One of his best friends has parents who didnāt really do anything in terms of helping him look or figure anything out. He applied to a school way out of his reach, and some really crappy places where heāll have a much different experience than my son - all because he had no help.</p>
<p>Weāve saved most of his life for college, and weāll still be putting up a ton of cash as we go. Is that obsessive? I hardly think so. Iām thrilled he got in where he wanted, but until he applied I had never heard of the school. When he gets there he will have to manage on his own. However, I will continue to cheer him on, ask him about his classes, talk about choices and implications of the bigger choices. Thatās not being helicopter-y, itās called being a caring parent.</p>
<p>I agree. I graduated in 1980, and the only help I got was their signature on the financial aid form after I filled it out. Oh yeah, and 20 bucks to take a bus home once. They said" if you want to go to college, go." Luckily, I landed a teaching jib. Funny thing is, my mom takes a lot of credit for āinfluencingā my decision to go! The āgreatest generationā?</p>
<p>AMEN!!! It is an INVESTMENT and I donāt trust my kids to make it by themselves.</p>
<p>What about the costs to us, the parents? There was a story a few years ago in the newspaper about a woman who quit her job to help her son with his college applications and lately I find myself wondering how many divorces have been caused by kids with insane schedules and parents who never see each other. </p>
<p>This weekend, the entire family at my house arose at 6 on Saturday. My husband drove my daughters to a game which was 60 miles away, then home. It involved crossing a bridge that costs 10 dollars to cross, and 5 dollars admission to the game, some gas, etc. etc. etc. He got home around 2 PM. I drove my son to a violin lesson an hour away, waited for him, then drove him DIRECTLY to the theater where heād be performing in a concert that afternoon, attended the concert, and got home around 5 with him. Dinner was frozen pizza. We forgot to walk the dog. We had no time to go grocery shopping.<br>
Today was . . similar. Iām hoping I can manage to get some laundry done before tomorrow. We both work fulltime ā and lately Iāve been thinking about that particular insane passage in ātiger momā where she describes her schedule, including the hour of free time they have every Sunday evening from 9 til 10 pm. Just wondering, do the rest of you guys find time to eat healthy meals, go to the gym, have date nights? What have you given up in order to put most of your resources into your kids?</p>