<p>Now, let me preface this by saying that as a student, I have learned an awful lot reading the different posts on this site. </p>
<p>Sometimes when I read some threads it seems like parents are just a tad too invested in (what should be) their child's application, essay, interview, etc. </p>
<p>Where do the kids fit into the equation?</p>
<p>Well, since this is the parents forum...</p>
<p>"It takes all kinds." Some kids take charge of their own college hunt; others partner with their parents, others let their parents take the lead. There certainly are lines that shouldn't be crossed, but there's no "one size fits all" answer to this question. I like to think of myself as a resource for my kids - I have experience with things they don't, access to data they may not be aware of, only too much awareness of our family's financial resources and limits, etc. This lets me provide them with the information they can use to make this set of big decisions (or not). I don't doubt that there are kids who wish their parents would back off, as well as some who wish their parents were more involved and supportive.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with that, and it applies to me as well. My involvement with the college process was in the search phase. My son - way too busy to do the research - relied on me to have fun giving him a list of schools that I had found that I thought he would like and that had the programs he wanted. And since he had several potential majors from sophomore year to senior year, I got to redo the research several times. It was fun for me and he probably never would have found the place he ended up. So my "overinvestment" was the research to give him a list of places to look at himself and see which he seemed to like. EVERYTHING ELSE (except for driving to visit schools and proofreading his essays for grammatical mistakes) was on him to accomplish: getting the applications, completing them, getting scholarship apps off, writing essays, making deadlines, doing interviews. </p>
<p>So while I agree that I was overinvested in the search phase, I was fairly easily able to divest myself from the rest of the process. It was somewhat frustrating because there were some places I wanted him to apply, but he didn't. He ended up applying only to two schools, but it was his task, not mine.</p>
<p>I was more instrumental than Dig in the organizational phase. My S knew where he wanted to apply, but I supplied him with hanging files, and helped him realize that yes, it was time to get going, start filling our forms, etc. He did all that on his own, but needed a bit of prodding most of the way along. Take care.</p>
<p>Yes, some are. So are some non CC parents. CC parents like the content of the CC boards and have enjoyed discussing the process with the posters they have met there. And I would guess they cover the entire gambit of involvement from the ones who actually fill out the apps for the kids to the ones who let the kids do it all alone with just tidbits of advice here and there to tweak the process. Don't think you'll find many who are totally hands off. Since the financial aspect of college makes the parents responsible for the choice and payment of the college by cutting the kid out of the loop since he is not independent till age 24 or other circumstances that most 18 year olds do not fit, it really is the parent's ultimate choice. An 18 year old would be hard put to go to a school unsupported by parents. Finances alone would make it difficult. So it is a parental responsibility as much as the schools like to lament that it should be more the kids'.</p>
<p>you are absolutely correct, in that it should be the child's essay and interview, as well as grades, test scores, and ec's, and, most importantly choice. </p>
<p>But, I see nothing wrong with assisting an otherwise busy child with the manual process - filing box, ssn's, travel arrangments (they are my frequent flyer miles), driving (kids can't rent cars), etc. Moreover, as a parent, I like to read the glossy brochures, aka propaganda. It never hurts to have another set of eyes look at the stuff...but the originality should definitely be the applicants.</p>
<p>Do you feel that the only thing the parent should do is pass the writing test (the check that is)</p>
<p>The students should pick their own college and write their own application, but as a parent, I want to know something about the application process and the institutions that are available. The safety and education of our children is a primary responsibility of ours.</p>
<p>Do some parents over extend their role, yes they do, just as some underplay their part. Anyone who has ever taught a kid to ride a bike knows that the trick is knowing when to let go.</p>
<p>My parents were so busy with their lives, I was doing the college search. They just provided the financial means (visiting colleges and application fees). When I told them what schools accepted me, they were shocked that they were big-name schools. Sighs...every child needs to do their own search. Not all parents know about these schools or they just cannot help because their job takes over their energy.</p>
<p>Mr. B:</p>
<p>I know of parents that still make their kids lunch and take it to their high school to personally deliver it! for these kids, the parents are still peddling the bike to use your analogy :D</p>
<p>I choose to use this board to soothe my obsession. That way, I don't bother my daughter as much. As she puts it, the more time I spend on this forum is less time I spend nagging her. Nice to have her blessing on my activities.</p>
<p>Hmmm. I look upon it a little differently, perhaps. (And like dig & some others, I also consider my best role to be resource, with an emphasis on neutrality. Also clerical Staff of One; yes, there were folders, but we were not organized enough to have them hanging -- just strewn lovingly & hopefully around the living room floor; I was chief photocopier, large envelope purchaser, mail expediter.)</p>
<p>Seriously, I view college admissions without parental support as a hugely uneven game: 17-year-olds (mostly) begging for literal & psychological acceptance from a group of unkown adults, most of whom they will never meet, & who devise the rules of the game -- with only some rules being known, & with almost no knowledge of the cards dealt by the competing players. That's not to mention the rules changing suddenly from time to time, or within the same academic year & from college to college. I figure that my knowledge, & occasional input, is offering some balance to that lopsided picture.</p>
<p>The only parental involvement that really annoys me is parents who limit their children's choice of colleges to specific institutions (often huge reaches) or regions, but provide little or no practical help for the student to achieve that goal -- and are also not there to pick up the pieces when the student practically implodes when rejected. Same for insisting on types, styles of college not appropriate, interesting to that student, but might be the parents' alma mater, the college close to home, the "affordable" college, etc. I think that even choices that appear to be clear mistakes should be made & owned by the student.</p>
<p>A resounding: YES! :)</p>
<p>Probably, but at least none of us ;-) are like the parents mentioned in Newsweek that went to their kids' school to watch them eat their last meal there. One parent, when told by her/his child to get a life, said "But you are my life" according to Newsweek (article a couple of months ago on parents teachers hate to see coming).</p>
<p>Oh my, D's senior breakfast starts in 40 minutes, where are my keys? Need to get a good spot to take pictures NOT. <grin></grin></p>
<p>Tonight's her graduation, my good wishes and prayers are out to everyone for a happy, safe graduation and future.</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>Bill</p>
<p>KYDad, congrats to your D!</p>
<p>Thanks so much, she's our one and only; we've tried not to become like the Newsweek parents, for sure. :-)</p>
<p>It is so hard right now to realize that I will never again be picking her up from school (actually, haven't done that for a couple of years :-) ), dropping a lunch or assignment off, or even stopping in to deliver a medical excuse.</p>
<p>But I wouldn't change a thing in the way she's taken control of her life and plotted her own future at college. Rose and I are so happy for her and proud of her.</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>Bill</p>
<p>I am a parent, and my dedication to the process of helping my D find a good school has been a direct backlash to the lack of support I found in my own family when I was a graduating senior. Every parent hopes to do a better job than their own parents, and this just happens to be one of my hotspots from 25 years ago. I don't even remember my mom or dad even discussing college with me, let alone giving me any advice.</p>
<p>I am certainly willing to admit to being invested in the college experience and I guess even overly invested at times. My DD has asked me to be involved ... she asks me to check out certain schools online, map out trips, make reservations, etc. I am happy that she wants me involved in the process. I also know when to back off ... like now. A couple of weeks ago, she went into college search shutdown mode. Too much going on with AP exams, SAT, papers, projects, upcoming finals, etc. We haven't talked colleges at all in the past two weeks except day before yesterday when she got a letter from Harvard congratulating her on her scores and encouraging her to consider them. DH asked her if she would be interested in Harvard, she said no. That was the conversation.</p>
<p>I constantly encourage D to look at any and all schools in which she thinks she might have even a spark of interest. I don't ever want her to look back and wonder if she chose a school based on what her father and I want for her. Secretly, I have two schools in mind where I would be thrilled to see her. IMO, they are perfect fits for her. Of course, we've only visited seven schools, so that could change as we make more visits. I am happy to report that the two schools I love for her are the same two schools she listed on her NMSQT letter.</p>
<p>From the discussions that I have seen on this forum over the past few years, I don't think that parents are over invested as much as coming to the realization that it takes a lot of knowledge and maybe a little bit of savviness to help their child nagivate the admissions process. My parents knew very little about the college process. All they knew is what CUNY schools was free. Lo and behold I started at CUNY the first year they had tutition. SO much for that process. The process is now to the point of being if you think the cost of an education is expensive, try the cost of ignorance. </p>
<p>Many parents on this forum have gone through the admissions process at the undergrad, grad and professional school level. We provide a different frame of reference to the process.</p>
<p>Most of us serve as guides, consultants, voices of reason and the ultimate reality checkers. Unless your name is Mary-kate or Ashley Olsen most kids going through the process are dependent upon some one else (namely us parents) to pay for the education of their dreams. It is our responsibility to tell you upfront what we can /cannot do financially. And as one parent said before when we say we only have "X" dollars beleive it because we are not going to magically come up with more $.</p>
<p>I was the researcher in the process because I did not want my daughter to use one of the following processes as the basis for applying to college</p>
<p>The band stand mentality- I like the beat and its easy to dance to (you like the song but have no idea of what they're singing about). It just amazes me that student want to go to Harvard for their business program or yale for their drama program and do not even realize that the undergrad schools don't have these programs.</p>
<p>Sheep mentality- simply following the flock. </p>
<p>In addition I beleived that my job was to keep her grounded and to remind her to choose the best school for her vs. going to the best named school.</p>
<p>I know from my own D's experience I develop training and college programs for the employees at my place of business. I have done every thing from bridge programs for people who haven't finished high school, to setting up E-MBA programs at my workplace. I also work vith various colleges from Ivies to tier 3/4 to community colleges so I was able to tell her firs hand about some of the admissions or atleast had acess to getting her an answer first hand.</p>
<p>I have been my son's secretary--necessary for such a busy person--and at times advisor--and a good thing, too or he would have missed seeing that the school he's going to on a great scholarship has his major! This is in sharp contrast to my parents, who never gave me a moment of their time concerning college.</p>
<p>As for whether this is too invested, I couldn't care less what anyone outside my own family thinks and can't imagine why anyone else would care about what I think about what they do for their child.</p>