Arguing with your senior?

Parents Forum
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<p>I am reading each of these postings with great interest -- and I shall save all the wisdom you offer. My son is only a junior.</p>

<p>Still, the one thing that I have seen, as a teacher, the past few weeks is that my students (and teachers, too) are exhausted. And when we are tired, we can get pretty ugly. I've seen kids who never are disrespectful be that way to teachers. I've seen teachers lose it over the little things. I've exchanged words a few times with my son, too. </p>

<p>Again, this is a stressful time of year. In a span of one month, we've had prom, four AP exams, his PT job, baseball for his brother, school clubs and national tournaments. It's not over yet -- with NHS stuff, banquets, finals and graduation.</p>

<p>Hang in there. I tell myself that the ugly period will end -- when they sleep!</p>

22

<p>Read "Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years" by Karen Levin Coburn. It helped me immensely to know that the emotions and turmoil I was going through were totally the norm. It's an awesome book. I would recommend it to EVERY parent whose child is getting ready to go to college.</p>

23

<p>Ah, yes, the summer after senior year....I remember it well. </p>

<p>I expected some problems, I work with teens so I thought I was prepared. It seems the only thing more annoying to an 18 year old than an unreasonable mom, is a REASONABLE mom. It seemed the more I tried to avoid arguments, the more emotional she became. It seemed like she wanted what I call a "bloodletting." After some arguments that left me shaking, she would seem pretty happy and lovey dovey. </p>

<p>This summer has been better - but it is still an unnatural state to be 19 and still dependent on your parents for housing and other essentials. </p>

<p>Hang in there and stay away from moms who are joyously bonding with their seniors - they just make you feel crappy and may be lying!!!</p>

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<p>PS - As a mom of a very strong willed, independent young lady I remind myself that these traits probably will serve her well as an adult.</p>

25

<p>Bumping this because after a month of wonderful peace on earth the ugly beast is rearing its head again!! I know, 2 weeks to go before she leaves but at this point I am ready to drop her off on the side of the highway with her attitude. And the sense of entitlement is only getting worse!!!</p>

26

<p>I thought about this thread yesterday and acutally told my son about it. He is in the unenviable position of being a rising senior being left behind by friends who are a year older. There is a girl who has been his soulmate (but nothing romantic) pretty much since infancy. She graduated early and yesterday was their goodbye. While Son was fighting back tears, Soulmate was dismissive and pretty close to jerky to him. I told Son that it was her subconscious way of trying to make the separation easier on herself.</p>

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<p>Yep, S2 is turning jerky. I don't know why I keep crying about him leaving, but I do. I know from my older 2 that we'll have a much better relationship after he's gone!</p>

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<p>It's amazing how much difference a year can make...Last year for S's freshman year I was all teary eyed and a little apprehensive about his leaving home (his is our only). Now a year later not that I am counting the days but it is definately time for him to return to school. I may still tear up when we leave the parking lot at school but I am sure that the transition is going to be easy.</p>

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<p>Husband has been a stay at home dad for almost 18 years. You hear a lot about moms and daughers arguing, but the testosterone fueled end of summer arguments between son and husband are getting kind of scary. Son will be glad when school starts in 2 weeks.</p>

30

<p>how refreshing to see others in same boat...my s is usually peaceful, funny and even helpful but lately he seems to be finding things to criticize and fight about with me, his sibs etc and when I've spent hours shopping for college etc after my day at work it is challenging to not take the bait...we've had several debates...we joke about how we are driving each other crazy so we won't miss each other...sometimes that works. I also told him he couldn't speak that way to me and he said..."I'm leaving in...." to which I said I will still be your mom and you will still be my son and we will see each other parents' wknd, thanksgiving, winter break etc. so not to worry this isn't the end. he actually seemed relieved to put the "separation" in perspective...so did talk of care packages. sweet that underneath they are kind of scared and as grown up as they feel, also still feel like kids...</p>

31

<p>Okayyyy...so this is kinda weird.....D1 who has been really nasty through most of HS has all of a sudden become the sweet 12 yr old she used to be.....A little backwards, ya think???? I did not expect this at all.......maybe she'll flip this weekend......</p>

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<p>Don't ask, just enjoy it!</p>

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<p>I have to wonder if the kids act this way (Jerky) with their friends as well. D leaves this weekend, and is in a "cold war" with her BFF. Not sure who said what to whom, but you can see that they are upset with each other (the BFF is a rising senior - so isn't leaving town yet). D's reaction when I suggested they work it out? "I'm leaving this weekend anyway!!!"</p>

<p>AAARRRGGGHHH</p>

34

<p>Last night, there was a cease fire. Took D to her dental appt (met her there actually) and we did some retail therapy (ah for the bonds of mother and daughter) and then had dinner at a new Chinese place we had never been to before. Talked a little about her attitude and made her promise to try harder. This came about mainly bc she and her Dad had a big blowup yesterday while I was at work (FYI he really was at fault this time and I called him and gave him the what for on it believe me).</p>

35

<p>Okay, this is an email forward, but I think it describes what we are all experiencing. It's called "The Cat Years".</p>

<p>
[quote]
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.</p>

<p>Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.</p>

<p>You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.</p>

<p>Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.</p>

<p>One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

[/quote]
</p>

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<p>Momof3stars:
You are not alone in this universe.
My normally sweet daughter has turned into the "daughter of Ragan" the past couple of months too--and it really caught me off guard and hurt my feelings too. I don't need the added stress.</p>

<p>Hope this helps some: Try not to take it personally. I was talking with a therapist friend about this very thing earlier this week. He told me it is very normal for kids to do this just before beginning their freshman year (and I bet we did it some to our parents at that age too, we just don't remember it.)
The reason incoming freshmen do this to their parents goes something like this: 1) The kids are becoming more keenly aware that they are really going to be on their own soon, so somewhere inside they're scared whether they can make it or not. They don't have the life experience yet to prove to themselves that they can make it. 2) So they're scared whether they'll make it without their parents there, whether they will make it in college or not, and don't forget this--they're scared how much they'll miss their parents as well as their previous <em>known</em> life. </p>

<p>A month or two into college life should calm them down some: they'll prove to themselves that they can make it. </p>

<p>Part of what they're doing also is protecting themselves from the hurt of missing their parents--if you villify someone it's harder to miss them.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. It sure helped me the other day. Try not to take it personal. It's my first kid to go to college so her change of personality seemed to come from out of the blue, yet it is perfectly normal--even expected. </p>

<p>And in two months or so we get our "sweet" daughters back--and we'll probably be appreciated much more then. Hurrah!</p>

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<p>timely, as the mom of 2 teenagers, 2 dogs and a cat, I really appreciated your post.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

38

<p>I had the same experience last summer before my DD left for freshman year. Once she was half way across the country things changed. Most calls and text messages ended with "Love you," and it seemed as if she really meant it. Strangely, for the most part, that attitude continued throughout this summer while she has been home. For this reason, I am much sadder to see her leave for school next week than I was last year.</p>

39

<p>Good to read this thread. What happened to my daughter? Where did she go? Who replaced her with this evil twin?</p>

<p>Sample conversation:</p>

<p>Me: Do you want to go to your favorite coffee place? </p>

<p>Her: That's not my favorite coffee place. I can't believe you think that's my favorite coffee place. Why would you think that? They have terrible coffee. It's the worst coffee place in the world. If you ever DRANK coffee you would know that. </p>

<p>Me: But you go there all the time.</p>

<p>Her: Not anymore I don't.</p>

40

<p>Someone mentioned retail therapy. I do believe that the best times we've had are the times when I am spending large quantities of money on college related items. The day the iMac came, we got along really well.</p>