At my Wits End

Parents Forum
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<p>I am coming unglued. DD17 is a senior this year, and I am thinking that I need to just step back from the college application process as well as her grades this year and just let her sink or swim to preserve my sanity and our relationship. The problem is, she is probably going to sink. </p>

<p>She is in the top 6% of her graduating class right now, and has the GPA and stats to get into her first choice school-(well, 2nd first choice-the real first choice is a pretty big reach.) She is dual enrolled this year, and is failing her College Algebra class with a spectacular 51 F. Math has never been her strong suit, and I have offered to get her a tutor, you name it-all is met with a "It will be fine, mom. Other people have bad grades too." I have explained ad nauseum that I could give a rat's posterior about anyone else, and that a falling GPA and a possible failure of a college credit class could virtually destroy her chances of admission. </p>

<p>It is all falling on deaf ears. She seems to think it will "all work out." Housing applications open for said college in two weeks, and she doesnt even have her app in. Housing is at a premium at this school and you have to apply for it ASAP. ALL SHE NEEDS IS THE ESSAY. I have done everything else!!! She is working a part time job, but that isn't it-even when she didn't work she would sit on the couch or lay in bed for hours.</p>

<p>I have a lazy kid. I know it. I have probably enabled it by jumping through hoops emailing teachers and standing over her to get things done-and now I am coming to the conclusion that if she gets in college she may still lie in bed all day and procrastinate until the last minute. </p>

<p>What do I do? Do I turn the whole college application process over to her? And if it gets done, it gets done; and if it doesn't then she doesn't need to go anyway?
I am at a loss. Her brother was nothing like this. I have no frame of reference-she WANTS to go to college. She swears she does.</p>

2

<p>Too late for her to drop the algebra class?</p>

<p>You need to get out of the way. Is there another involved adult who can help keep her on track but isn’t quite so aggravated and frustrated with her?</p>

<p>And if she doesn’t get housing (or get in) to this first choice school- are there other choices on her list that she’s excited about??? Many kids don’t go or get into their first choice and do just fine in life… so if she’s signaling to you that it’s MORE important to you than to her that she gets in to the allegedly first choice… maybe it’s her non-confrontational way of telling you it’s no longer her first choice???</p>

<p>Hugs. You will get past this.</p>

<p>And yes- you need to stop enabling her (but you knew that already, right?) No more emailing teachers. That’s her problem now, not yours.</p>

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<p>You are correct. Turn it over to her. Hard to do but necessary! Better now than let her have even a bigger reality check next year. </p>

<p>As a mom, this is so hard. I am totally with you. But your instincts are correct.</p>

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Have you had your D evaluated for depression? This statement alarms me. Is this a recent development or has she generally always been like this?</p>

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Yes, I think you have been enabling her. Are you sure she wants to attend the schools you think she does? Make sure she knows the different dates for apps, etc and let the chips fall where they may.</p>

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<p>"Have you had your D evaluated for depression? This statement alarms me. Is this a recent development or has she generally always been like this? "</p>

<p>No, I don’t think that is the issue. She is a cheerleader, works, president of Physics Club…she is really busy and pretty happy and well adjusted. It is just when it comes down to doing something that NEEDS doing (like college apps, cleaning her room) she would rather lay around on the couch or in bed watching YouTube videos. I know it’s her “down time” but part of being an adult is making sure the things that must be done are done. She is the queen of procrastination. </p>

<p>And you are all right-DH has even told me that I need to step back and let her take ownership of the process. We visited several different schools and this school seems to be her first love. She is excited about going-just not too invested on getting herself there. </p>

<p>Sigh. I have turned into one of those parents, and I need to stop and let her learn her own lessons.</p>

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<p>Is the college algebra a high school algebra class taught at a college or really college algebra that one takes after diff eq? Because if the latter, it can’t be true that math is not her strong suit.</p>

<p>Is she laying on the couch for hours with or without electronic gadgets? </p>

<p>Is she really lazy, or just not good at sorting and completing administrative tasks? Some kids are organizers from an early age. S15 writes his appts into my calendar, brings me papers from school to fill out and stands over me until I am done, reminds me incessantly about any tasks I need to do to that involve him, cleans his room, keeps a schedule in his phone, organizes his daily time: “I am too tired to get anything done tonight after soccer. I need 2 hours to complete HW so will set clock for 5:00 am, going to bed now to be sure I get enough sleep.” D13 is nothing like that, although I have hopes that it’s developmental delay and will kick in at some point. While she could work for indefatigable hours on school projects and studying for tests, the administrative stuff was just beyond her and somehow I was always stepping in to remind or do myself when it seemed some small forgotten detail or scheduling issues might cause a big problem, had to keep tabs on her stuff in a way I don’t for S15 or older S. </p>

<p>Now she calls from college because she accidentally clicked too many times and bought 3 copies of Word and they don’t answer e-mails, and hold time on phone too long. U-lock got stuck and key won’t work, can’t figure out what to do. At this point have to step back from all but true emergencies. Not sure if that will spur her to be more careful about stuff or not, kind of doubting it(already lost college ID and paid for replacement, her own money, like Word.) Just so you know it may continue beyond HS.</p>

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<p>“Is the college algebra a high school algebra class taught at a college or really college algebra that one takes after diff eq? Because if the latter, it can’t be true that math is not her strong suit”</p>

<p>It is college level College Algebra-she is a dual enrollment student and takes it at the local community college. She has all 4 years of required high school math, but the school she wants to attend has a notoriously difficult College Algebra program so we were hoping to get it out of the way. I didn’t plan on if affecting her GPA or rank, though-and really did not think she would have an F of all things. </p>

<p>She has her electronic gadgets while she is lazing around, but that is something I can remedy.</p>

9

<p>I’m still confused about what math course she’s taking? She’s completed calculus through AP calculus BC or the equivalent and this is the course that come’s next?</p>

<p>How about dropping one of her EC’s or the job to concentrate on getting the math grade up?</p>

10

<p>“She is the queen of procrastination.”</p>

<p>But she does the things that she is interested in on time. Any chance that she might be diagnosable for inattentive-type ADD? In which case, she should be looking around for help at mastering the time management skills that will help her do well in college classes that she doesn’t find intrinsically interesting. Maybe she needs to pop by the disabilities office at her CC after spending time with the math tutors there at the tutoring center.</p>

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<p>How about dropping one of her EC’s or the job to concentrate on getting the math grade up?<<</p>

<p>It sounds like she has taken 4 years of HS math up thru Calc BC and is now taking an actual college level course.</p>

<p>I don’t see why dropping this math class is not an option. Maybe it is just too much on top of her other commitments? Or she has reached the burn out phase. </p>

<p>If she absolutely needs an A in this high level course to get into her first choice college, then maybe that school is not the right one for her. I would be concerned that she is burning out too early.</p>

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<p>Real college algebra comes after BC and multivariate calc and in most cases diff eq also. But there is algebra and algebra. </p>

<p>Is she doing serious math proofs for the first time in this class, or is it just linear algebra? Is there some kind of difficulty understanding the material, or maybe she’s overscheduled? College courses proceed at a faster pace , so have to allow time in schedule for that, about 2x pace of HS math generally.</p>

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<p>She has taken 4 years of HS math up to Pre Calc and tested in to College Algebra. For her major, once she finishes this class and a College Statistics class she is effectively done with her math classes for college.
I believe the basic problem is she just does not study, and wastes her time.
She can drop it; I actually talked to her about dropping it a couple of weeks ago and she doesn’t want to but the decision may not be hers anymore. She doesn’t need the A to attend the school, but a failing grade in this class could result in an offer being rescinded if she gets in.
I would think it would send a message that she was not capable of handling college level classes. </p>

<p>Quitting her job and cutting way back on EC’s will be the first to go, and she knows this. I have scheduled a meeting with her professor next week; since she is a minor and they work closely with her home high school that is still an option. </p>

<p>As far as the rest-does anyone else here have a kid they call “day late and a dollar short?” That is my DD.</p>

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<p>I’m more accustomed to “college algebra” meaning something closer to algebra II with trig instead of Multivariable calculus or linear algebra and it’s not clear to me which one the OP’s daughter is taking. If it’s linear algebra, then, as someone else pointed out, she is most likely a very strong math student. If it’s “college algebra” then math may not be her strongest subject. Either way, she needs to bring the grade up. If it were my kid, tutoring would not be an option-I would insist on a tutor until the grade came up. If she doesn’t need the class to graduate has she considered dropping it?</p>

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<p>With my S, I was on him constantly to get stuff done. When he went off to college, he floundered. In hindsight, I should have let him stumble in high school and deal with the consequences. (Even if that means not getting into the college of choice.)</p>

16

<p>" If it’s “college algebra” then math may not be her strongest subject. "</p>

<p>Yes, it is true, bare bones, nothing fancy College Algebra. As I said before, math is definitely not her strongest subject, so we were were prepared for some bumps-just not a total derailment.</p>

<p>She may end up dropping it. I for one cannot take the stress of a failing grade in this class and her dragging her heels on the college apps. Something has to give, and this class is not a necessity. Who knows? if she takes it at her college she will most definitely have to sink or swim on her own, because I won’t be there. It will probably be a good life lesson, if nothing else.</p>

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<p>Floundering in college can have unwanted consequences, including getting kicked out of college. If you solve all of her problems now, how is she going to deal with issues when you are not around?</p>

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<p>We’ve all got or had kids who were a day late and a dollar short.</p>

<p>Here are some thoughts:
1- you are way over-thinking the math and there is no reason she has to get a jump on the required math/stats courses before she’s even applied to college. So drop that college course ASAP. It won’t help her, it may hurt her, and your D is demonstrating (screaming from the roof tops) that it’s not where she needs to be right now. I don’t know any major where a kid needs to be done with math before they even show up on campus, so make this problem go away right now.</p>

<p>2- Nobody can diagnose depression over the internet but your D does not sound clinically depressed. She sounds like a typical HS kid who has bitten off more than she can chew, and rather than developing a plan, working it through in a systematic way to get it all done (a very adult skill) she’s reverting to toddlerhood by pretending that if she doesn’t see it, it will go away (remember when she was little putting a towel over something she’d broken in the hopes nobody would notice it was broken?) Very age appropriate, not uncommon for a teenager.</p>

<p>3- Your last bit of parenting on this will be for you to take a walk with her, and in a loving and non-confrontational way, tell her “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. You need to figure out how to get your applications done and sent on time. If you need someone to proofread- I am here. When you need the credit card to pay the application fee, I am here. If you want to bounce ideas off me- other schools, essay ideas- I am here. But that’s it. I will not nag and I will not be your personal assistant. If you don’t get in anywhere, you will always have a roof over your head, but you will need to figure out a plan for next year- the army, a full time job, part time study and part time job, etc.” And then you have to bite your tongue and step away from the computer— and let her figure out what she wants to do.</p>

<p>And you need to also stop referring to “her major”. I suspect that’s where the problem lies. It might be YOUR major, but not hers. Even if she’s talked about being a vet or a dentist or an ethnomusicologist since she was five years old… she does not need to pick a major right now, and she’s showing lots of signs that she’s not ready to commit to a course of study for four years (let alone a career beyond that.)</p>

<p>So stop. First things first. She is clearly a capable student and will figure out how to bang out an essay and get her applications in on time IF SHE"S MOTIVATED TO DO SO. And if she’s not ready to apply to college- she needs plan B.</p>

<p>And you need to find a safe place to vent and yell and scream that she’s not stepping up to the plate right now in the way that you had imagined. And I feel for you- so much. But you can’t apply to college for her, you can’t pick her major for her, you can’t figure out how she can avoid taking math once she gets to college. You just can’t. So yell and scream- that’s a healthy response… but not at her, which is just not getting the job done right now.</p>

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<p>As a note, I was always that kid doing things absolutely last minute going in to college. A number of my applications were postmarked December 31 with the final day being January 1. I was a great student, but always a horrible procrastinator. This included up through packing for college when I was finally off on my own.</p>

<p>I found once I was in college and responsible for everything myself and on my own without parents harping for everything over my shoulder (or at least what felt like it; I look back now and realize they really weren’t that bad) I became much more responsible and actually started doing things before the day it was due. </p>

<p>Some of us wind up having things go the other way when we start to get out on our own, so there might still be some hope for your D.</p>

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<p>I agree that you have been doing too much, but I don’t think dumping it on her is a good idea. It is great if it works, but it could also lead to a train wreck. </p>

<p>I would first address the Algebra class by getting insisting on a tutor until the grades come up and following her grades closely. </p>

<p>I would also schedule time with her to show her what you have done for her, what is still required, and it develop a schedule to complete those things. </p>

<p>I would also mention that it is important to select a knowledgeable tutor who can also develop a rapport with her. That will significantly improve the odds for success.</p>