<p>My DS was dumped by the love of his life and he shut down completely. The first since elementary school and the worse ever because of the crushing loss. </p>
<p>He was soooo proud to have a very cute neurotypical gal (though with her own needy issues) that I think he thought he had conquered the AS. </p>
<p>On one hand I am pleased this devastation happened before college and while at home at a supportive high school yet the timing could not be worse for applying to college. </p>
<p>He is smart kid (ACT at 33) but grades have plummeted this semester.</p>
<p>Do we keep plodding forward using local great CC as a back up (which he considers a failure) or pull him out of high shool for a full recovery and redo senior year?</p>
<p>If it wasn’t a breakup, it would have been something else. It’s only by living through experiences that lessons are learned. I would not pull him out of school. Be supportive, but don’t get sucked into the drama of the breakup. Consider this as a learning experience for him and teaching moment for you.</p>
<p>It is only the end of the quarter. Can he pull up the grades before the end of the semester?
Can you/he go to conferences with teachers, explain the situation, and help him make a “recovery plan?”
This is sad and difficult for him, but many students have similar or worse problems (death of parent, divorce, cancer, severe injuries, pregnancy, etc.) that they have to deal with in high school. Encourage him to focus on his studies in spite of this heartache. Don’t let him quit–he’ll learn that he CAN go on when the going gets tough.</p>
<p>Do not play into this whole breakup thing. If this was his reaction, I can understand the breakup.</p>
<p>Anyway, i would do some straight talking tp him. </p>
<p>To even consider pulling him put of school for getting dumped seems absurd. And enabling. He is blowing this college opportunity all on his own, as pie or not.</p>
<p>But if he feels he wants to fail senior year, not gradute with his class, etc, then by all means let him. After all, the lesson he will learn is there are tetakes in life. </p>
<p>Break-ups do profoundly hurt (something I think a lot of married adults forget with distance), but I agree that it is enabling and unrealistic to pull him out of school due to a breakup. Part of life is learning that you have to keep doing things (school, work, family) no matter how much life sucks–unfortunately, there is no “pause” button in life. It’s easier said than done, of course, but it’s one of those things that everyone has to learn through painful experience.</p>
<p>Kids on the spectrum can present in a lot of different ways. One thing that is almost universal is their tendency to hyper focus on subjects, events, wrongs, rituals/habits, etc. It’s like rolling a snowball down a hill…it just gets bigger and bigger the further it goes. Right now your son is hyper focused on this breakup, this ‘wrong and unfair’ thing that has happened to him. It is a very real loss and he is grieving. The very best thing you can do for your son is while validating his feelings of loss, help him navigate both the coping skills he needs to develop (these are goals…it doesn’t happen overnight), as well as a solid plan of attack for reclaiming success in school. </p>
<p>Atomom’s suggestion to request a conference with his teachers is a good idea. I would find a time when hopefully you can meet with as many teachers as possible, your son, and his case manager (if he has an IEP…our school called these team meetings). I wouldn’t go into detail, simply explain he’s experienced some personal stress that’s a new hurdle and his schoolwork has been affected. Stating outright this is over a breakup may receive unreceptive eye-rolling from some teachers. The point is you want to help get him back on track academically.</p>
<p>If you find that he is unable to move on from negative thought patterns emotionally regarding the breakup it might be a good time to see a therapist to help with the transition. His Dr should be able to recommend someone who works with teens. This doesn’t need to be a long term thing. Just someone to help reinforce some coping skills and positive thought patterns so he can move on, as well as be better prepared when he is faced with stressful social or academic situations when he’s away at college.</p>
<p>My Aspie son met his GF junior year in HS and they’re still together 4 1/2 years later. I have no advice but at least know that I understand. I have thought that if she ever breaks up with him, we would have him on suicide watch and I’m not being glib. </p>
<p>Does he have other friends? My son really doesn’t…some friendly acquaintances from class, but no one to feed him ice cream (or the male equivalent of break up food.) PM me if you need moral support…it’s hard for folks with neurtypical kids to understand some things.</p>
<p>But no, don’t pull him out of school. Talk to his teachers, GC, etc. Hopefully they will keep an eye on him. If you have time, try to micromanage his school work. Staying on top of it will keep him busy and bad grades will only make his mood worse. You are his safety net and I think you really need to bring the net close for a while.</p>
<p>I’m very sorry about your son’s painful breakup. Breaking up is something that happens to a lot of people, though (high school or otherwise) and you just have to deal with it. It sucks, but there it is. I would avoid encouraging the “love of his life” mentality. Lots of kids think this, in high school, and almost all of them are wrong.</p>
<p>Keep him in school. If he shuts down in h.s., who is to say that he will not shut down in college. We all need to be reminded from time to time that life goes on.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. This happens to almost every single person on earth, but it’s especially painful for someone on the spectrum who already may feel out of place in this world to begin with.</p>
<p>I think I’d keep him in school if all possible, and I totally with blueiguana’s advice about meeting with the teachers. If he has any teachers who are particularly supportive and wouldn’t roll their eyes, I might tell them about the girlfriend situation. You may find that they are quite understanding.</p>
<p>I also have a son on the spectrum, so I’m sending you a special prayer of support.</p>
<p>I would arrange therapy for him, for sure. My S had a tough breakup in college, and it affected his grades. Some people need help, and telling him to suck it up or that it’s no big deal isn’t helpful.</p>
<p>I would keep him in school and on track as much as possible, if only to keep from reinforcing his feeling that “this is the end of the world.” From my understanding of aspies (my nephew is one), they need to be “taught” how to handle the bumps in life–and this is one of those unfortunate experiences. I don’t know how being taught that the way to deal with a life disappointment is to run away from life would benefit him in the long run.</p>
<p>I agree with not changing his life more at this time, and not pulling him out so he can learn the best way to cope with something like this is not to withdraw from the rest of life.</p>
<p>A breakup is a normal part of life, but Aspies may lack the typical social supports other kids have when they go through these things. Also the tendency to obsess, stress and reinforcement of low self esteem from years of social rejection. They tend to be anxious and anxiety can interfere with academics.</p>
<p>This is a learning experience and has much potential for growth- how to handle future relationships and other stress. I think a therapist may help- probably better than mom at this point, and the idea of a male therapist comes to mind as a role model. </p>
<p>The timing of senior year is frightening and will in interfere with college plans? This is a good question, but how he handles this is an indicator of how he will handle this sooner or later- so learning it now, with the social supports he has at home may be better than away at school. If he handles it- then you and he will have the assurance that he will handle this at college. If not ( and I hope not), you will know that even though he is very intelligent, he is not ready emotionally to venture far from home for school.</p>
<p>It’s very hard to see a child hurting though this, and especially scary when the child is vulnerable too. I think talking to the school will help his teachers understand the sudden change in him.</p>
<p>As a parent of a young adult aspie, if it were me, I’d tend to discount the “life experience, so buck up” advice offered, and monitor our son closely for the next few weeks. Not knowing his school environment, if we were in this situation I’d:</p>
<p>Notify his school guidance counselor, college counselor, etc for their advice. My son’s mainstreamed at a private college prep HS, and they would want to know what’s going on, including serious emotional upsets. College Application forms allow for additional personal statements to explain problems that affect grades. College counselor letters can do same. (I’ve also noted that many colleges are very welcoming towards Aspies these days, and that it’s not a negative aspect to application evaluation.)</p>
<p>Notify his psychologist and/or psychiatrist. Perhaps medication is advised, or needs to be adjusted. First break-ups are traumatic for most teens; for Aspies seeking to “fit in” when often they don’t neurotypically fully do, a girlfriend is a huge accomplishment and the loss would be a serious blow. Validate his feelings and allow him to grieve, but help him understand that the future will bring new relationships - even though his acceptance of that advice will be hard for him now.</p>
<p>Consider a homework tutor and other academic support to complete the semester with some additional non-family support. This was very helpful to our son Freshman Year, and took a great deal of pressure off us as the “homework enforcers”.</p>
<p>Offer some “treats”, whether movie dates with parents, some restaurant dinners or short roadtrips, but all focussed on taking some attention off the break-up.</p>
<p>My best wishes are with you and your son. Our Aspie young adult is also “dipping his toe” in the dating scene, and we’re very ambivalent because of the increased risk for emotional drama-trauma.</p>
<p>An adult friend with high functioning autism has asked me for advice with dating a woman he has strong feelings for. It’s difficult for him to read the clues and signals- and he misinterprets them in either direction. Sometimes she is just busy and he thinks it’s personal. Or, if she seems interested he thinks more of it. Yes, it’s possible for this woman to be the “love of his life” to him while she, on the other hand, wants to date others before concluding this. This relationship is a big part of my friend’s life and he is very invested in it. I do not know the woman or what she thinks.</p>
<p>My friend is head over heels and would propose any day, but it is clear from what he has told me that the relationship is not at that point as they are casually dating. Still, the woman is interested enough to keep dating him. My role seems to be a sounding board for his feelings and a reality check. He has many worries and anxieties over this and how it will turn out. He is one honest and loyal guy who is working very hard at this, and he is deeply invested. </p>
<p>Obviously I could never do this with one of my kids- no mother could do this for a son. I hope that I am helping him navigate this as best as I can. It seems it would be a good idea for a young adult with AS to have a counselor who could help as a dating coach similar to the social skills training available to them as children, and also be a support to them as they navigate the inevitable joys and disappointments with it. </p>
<p>I agree that this is more of a challenge to a child with AS than typical teen, and with getting the supports needed to stay in school and get through this.</p>
<p>This. Aspies don’t learn from life experience the way neurotypicals do.</p>
<p>As a separate suggestion, I recommend that you think very very hard about whether your son should go away to college next year. If he does go away to college, I recommend that he stay close to home. A lot of Aspies benefit from a gradual introduction to college, whether a gap year, or community college classes, or going to a four-year school but taking a reduced course load and having lots of support.</p>
<p>MQD- Sorry for the loss and difficulties your son is facing. If I were parenting through this, I’d think about where I wanted my kid to land and what “take-aways” from the experience would provide the relevant tools for coping, trying to stack the deck first towards managing the immediate issues, then optimizing skill acquisition. What steps would be most helpful to your son depends on resources, strengths, and how his problems with this are impacting his life. Obviously, health (mental health) and safety come first. If there is a way to keep up his routine while simultaneously with utilizing/cultivating support, this could be an opportunity to gain reserves before college.</p>
<p>If he is “shutting down” so completely that he needs to re-group to function, then comprehensive resources seem indicated. In general, we all want our kids to recognize that hurdles are a part of life and most of us do better not “throwing the baby out with the bath water”. That said, we also want our kids to learn how to self-assess and know when they are in over their heads and need to decrease pressure/shift focus in order to proceed. When our kid faced major medical challenges, school receded into the background while we navigated treatment and recovery. Sometimes it just has to be that way. I wish you all the best with sorting this out.</p>