oh JustOneDad! i think i just inhaled my coffee…
Dear Jec,
Every year, we are known for only accepting 250 of 10,000,000 applicants.
We write to you, #251, to say that yes, your application was fantastic, yes, your essays blew me away, and yes, you are very good at everything you do…however, the numbers don’t add up. That extra percentile on the SSAT would have saved you, but alas, you had 98%ile and not 99.
I am sorry, dear #251.
Have a nice day,
Dr. Dreamcrusher II
Dear Anonymousia,
Congratulations! You were not accepted into our prestigious academy. We have had many talented and gifted applications and only a select few were selected. We applaud your valiant attempt at the hopeless cause but we would also like to congratulate you for being the funniest applicant. If you had applied as a joke, then the admissions committee would like you to know that they laughed so hard they smiled. If you actually expected to be considered, then we would like to tell you-- well, we never really thought about that possibility… Once again, congrats on your talent; you definitely deserved it.
Sincerely,
The boarding schools organization
Dear London Lady
Well done you were accepted into this prestigious academy!!!
Initiation is…oh, wait no
We are sad to infrorm you that a fault in our system shows that you have been rejected and removed from the wait list
Sorry
The Snooty Admissions Officer
Oomyzus:
Really!!!
Greetings thelittleswimmer,
Despite you submitting all of your application materials before the deadline and everyone else turning their work in five months after the deadline, we decided to accept all of them and NOT you–because we LOVE procrastinators and absolutely do not accept early submissions.
Have a FANTASTIC day.
Best,
Laughing-in-your-face Academy
Dear… Um … Yes Addie1643 that’s it,
We are sorry to inform you that your unfortunately lack luster application for admission and been denied. Your lack of straight A’s, extremely high test scores and noteworthy awards recieved has been the main contributing factors in this rejection. We are sure that even if we were to need spots filled in our three sports programs that you expressed interest in you would have not failed to disappoint and prove that we had made a mistake in your acceptance. Do not fret, this is actually for the best as you would certainly not have fit in here. This school is far too prestigous for one like you, and as such we can only admit the very, very best and we see you as quite far from even the best. Our curriculum is far too vigorous for a mind such as yours. You have no idea what a driven student looks like and could only dream of being such, as you are a lazy, uninspiring, ineffectual and tiresome young adult that would stain the reputation of our school of such high prestige and reputation.
As a southerner the extremely cold winters would most definitely have frozen you into a useless lump of dull and disappointing pile of flesh. Furthermore, your clothes would have been ridiculed due to the fact that you have no sense of northerner style and your boots are quite ugly. No one cares for indie or vintage clothes here and we are doing you a service by sparing you the ridicule that the other student would have inflicted upon you.
We wish you the best in whatever dull and local community college endeavors you pursue, though it means nothing and wouldn’t do you and good even if it counted.
Best regards,
The Prestigious Academy
P. S. : Please do send back your information packets as we wish to send them to the students that are of noteworthy standing that may apply next year. We are sure that a low raking one such as you had no use of such valuable and well presented products anyhow.
"As a southerner the extremely cold winters would most definitely have frozen you into a useless lump of dull and disappointing pile of flesh. "
Gods of Olympus
I love you right now
I’m laughing so hard xD xD
I actually share that concern though, haha.
That word choice doe xD
Dear We-Don’t-Care-Enough-To-Remember-Your-Name,
We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted to our school. Every student at our school is expected to work 29 hours a day, and we do not think you have it in you to be that committed. Also, our student body is ruthlessly competitive, and we think your skill at working in a team would not be useful. We may put you on the wait list, I do accept bribes, but don’t tell anyone I said that.
Wishing you the best,
Jerky Admissions Officer the IV
Dear Applicant,
After reviewing your application we question your decision to even apply to our fine insitution. Perhaps next time you will wear something more presentable to an interview and come more prepared.
- 1st choice school admission office
Dear ( wait what is your name?)
You go!!
Oh wait , sorry you can’t sit with us because you suck
Goodbye
Dear Applicant,
Ha, you wish!
Dear Applicant,
Why. Just why.
Sincerely, the Admissions team who were confused as to why you applied
Dear applicant,
You can’t come here anymore because you are (lists every negative adjective to describe applicant)
Continued for 2016 applicants…
Dear student,
Due to your need for financial aid (we are so sorry to hear that your family cannot afford 1/2 of their gross salary to go towards tuition), you have been permanently wait listed. Please don’t think that you will ever get off it; there are literally hundreds of “Middle Class families” also begging us for money.
Sincerely,
The Admissions Team
Dear Applicant Smith,
Congratulations! You were accepted to our program with a full scholarship. You are a top talent and we are sure you will fit right into not our prestigious academy.
Sincerely
Steve Harvey
Admissions Director
handwitten note: Apologies, this note was intended for Applicant Jones
Dear Applicant,
Enclosed is a coupon to insert ice cream store here. You’ll be needing it.
Sincerely,
The Admissions Office
P.S. The coupon is expired. We had already mailed the valid vouchers to those more qualified than you.
Dear Applicant,
Where to begin, did you see the movie Admissions (Tina Fey)? 8 denies across the board, a few AO keeled over from laughter and we imagined you present, falling through the trap door. Thank you, from those of us who missed the latest episode of SNL you gave us our daily dose of laughter for the week.
The Admissions Office.
P.S. The homeschooling thing, please relieve your mother of her duties. It is hopeless in your case.
Dear personwhowe’veforgottenthenameof
HA. you wish. good luck with the job you’ll never get.
sincerely,
your dream school
or, alternatively,
Dear sir/madam
I hope this letter finds you in good health, and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me, down on their luck. you see,
that was quite possibly the worst application we’ve every read.
Your obedient servant,
A.Ham.
(i swear if anyone understands this reference, you’re my new best friend XD )