<p>My daughter, a freshman recently got clear proof that her roommate steals things from her and lies about it. (A couple of objects that cost $40, and tons of food that my daughter would have given her if she'd just asked, maybe some other things since September.)</p>
<p>It is obvious to me that she should talk to her dorm advisor about it, and in the meantime keep nothing of value in her room. However, my daughter doesn't want the roommate to get in disciplinary trouble, so she doesn't want to discuss this with the dorm advisor or prefect. While they are not great friends, my daughter has a cordial relationship with the roommate. She thinks roommate is a nice girl with a lying/stealing problem, and wants to encourage her to go to the mental health center for help. </p>
<p>I respect my daughter's desire to work out the situation on her own, but I wonder if she's misjudged this one. Any advice?</p>
<p>I think your daughter has the right to feel secure in her own room, and should definitely discuss the issue with an authority, and let him/her handle the situation.</p>
<p>Theft is a serious offense in a school environment. Your daughter is doing her roommate’s next roommate no favors. I presume your daughter can afford to lose a few items, but her next roommate may not be able to afford such losses. Also, you presume that she’s only stealing from your daughter. In a worst case scenario, she may steal from someone else as well. If another student is falsely accused, that innocent student could lose her position at boarding school.</p>
<p>How does the school handle violations of the honor code? It sounds as if this girl may have deeper problems.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else, she cant take on this burden by herself. If she goes to her dorm advisor stating her concerns about her Rm’s issues than maybe that will become the focus rather then the stealing aspect.</p>
<p>If your daughter feels “sure” that her roommate is stealing from her, she should speak to her dorm advisor about it. However, once that Pandora’s Box is open, it’s open for good and there will be implications for all parties, including a potentially difficult rooming situation for the balance of the year, especially if she’s wrong.</p>
<p>If I were advising her, I’d suggest that she asks her advisor if she can speak to him or her in complete confidence and get that individual’s advice and options. I think it’s great that your daughter’s tackling this herself however and that you’re staying out of the picture. This is one of many examples why boarding school is such an excellent education, even outside the classroom.</p>
<p>The issue is above your D’s pay raise so to speak. Currently she is only condoning the behavior. Further, it is obviously a major distraction to her otherwise it would not have made it this far and onto CC. Suggest she step aside and let the school deal with it and get on with her work. Let the school determine if the roommate is in fact a thief. If the roommate is a kleptomaniac then sooner or later she will be caught. Your D will be asked what she knew. For all you know the school realizes they have a stealing issue but just can’t figure it out who, yet. You don’t want to hear, “why didn’t you tell us sooner”. To put it more bluntly, she has an obligation to do the right thing. I’m not aware of students ever supporting a thief amongst them, so I don’t think the focus would change.</p>
<p>I, personally, agree with your daughter. I guess I may be the only one. There are only a few weeks of school left. If she can lock away her valuables for that time at least she won’t be harrassed by an angry girl and all her friends. Once she is home then she can decide if she wants to contact the authorities at school about it.</p>
<p>Do we really want to teach kids to sweep things under the rug and not take correct actions that are difficult? This is a teaching moment for a character in development.</p>
<p>I think the idea of asking to speak with the dorm advisor in complete confidence is the best. He/she can advise your daughter on the best course of action, particularly since he/she will know more about the situation than any of us.</p>
<p>Of course, your daughter will have a different room mate next year! </p>
<p>Stealing is totally contrary to BS cultural norms. Condoning or ignoring the problems just leads these problems to multiply. At a minimum your daughter will need to take step to ensure that this problem in not her problem next year.</p>
<p>Have your daughter go to one of the school counselors and tell the counselor confidentially. Let the counselor guide her. We had a similiar situation my daughter’s freshman year - not stealing - but an unacceptable behavior. What needs not too happen is to pass this along to the next unsuspecting room mate.</p>