<p>So baffled and distressed. Son went to a great high school and was involved and had friends and was well-liked. Went to his first choice college-small, private liberal arts. High SAT's and B average...smart but lazy. Says he loves his college , has friends, joined activities. BUT, grades going downhill. After F's and a D at end of second semester of sophomore year we convinced him to take a leave of absence and he enrolled, as a junior, in a local nearby state school for a break and a chance to explore a program in which he said he was interested, and one that his school did not offer. He took two classes and showed us papers and assignments he completed and supposedly turned in. But, he didn't really go to class and failed both classes! Wanted to go back to original school, but asked for help. He said he was very anxious when it came to his classes and wanted to go to a therapist. He asked us to come with him. We started with psychological services at his college and they have been wonderful and in close contact with us-with our son's approval. Now, 2 months later, we find that he is not going to class. All the while he is telling us things are fine, he is going to class, meeting with professors, getting back on track, etc. The school says we and he need to make a decision and maybe he needs to take a "mental health break." They did not call it this. They will withdraw him and give him 6 months. He must have therapy and then he can return after six months. What in the world is going on here? Has anyone had this experience? Immaturity? Fear of the future? Not sure of goals? Anxiety? All of the above? It is like he has checked out...though he is still participating in "college life." And my husband and I are at our wit's end and don't know how to proceed or where to even begin to seek help. His sister is a freshman at a top school and doing great, and she has always done very well. They are close, but her won't even talk to her about what is going on. The therapist feels that he is not involved with drugs, and we feel that he isn't either-though he does drink. Any suggestions? It is so very hard to watch this unfolding and to have no idea what to do or how to help. Thank you for letting me post this.</p>
<p>What does the therapist think is going on?</p>
<p>She also seems to think he has a lot of anxiety due to the fact that he has let his studies slide and now he is overwhelmed and can’t figure out how to recover. And, so much help is available, but he is not taking advantage of it.</p>
<p>We have a young friend who did a variation of this. He spent the last year out of school and looking for a job. After many, many job applications he was still unemployed. Turns out there is not much market currently for an untrained, uneducated young man. </p>
<p>It was a humbling year. I watched him go from being arrogant and opinionated to a much quieter young man. We learned this evening that he has gotten back into college (on his own initiative). </p>
<p>I would tell him that he needs a break. He can’t come home (sorry, but that tends to end badly). Ask him if he wants to military or Coast Guard. If not, consider setting him up in an apartment with sixty days of rent/groceries. This could, perhaps, be in another city that appeals to him. No internet service or tv provided by you. </p>
<p>He may really need a dose of cold, hard world to make getting to classes be the priviledge that they are. </p>
<p>Do also read up on ADD and ADHD. There may be an adult onset case of either – but even with an ADD diagnosis, he still has responsiblities. It may be an explanation but it is not an excuse. </p>
<p>Does he snore? Another thing to research is sleep apnea. That can make a kid exhausted and unable to focus. </p>
<p>You can assure him of your love – but also make it clear that you can’t afford to pay for more college with this sort of outcome (even if you can, make the message be that retirement is coming and you can’t). You can love him and help him with information and doctor’s workup – but he absolutely must thrash around until he finds a path where he can support himself.</p>
<p>No, no. no.</p>
<p>Bring him home. Keep him close. Get him to a therapsist.</p>
<p>Give him as much structure as you can. Time to get up, eat etc. Help him get a job.
No one knows what is going on yet but he needs you close while you all figure it out as a team. </p>
<p>Do not give up on him. He is frightened too. Give him a loving base no matter what.</p>
<p>Besides a therapist, did S see a psychiatrist? </p>
<p>So many issues can arise in college, like trouble with friends, not doing well with time management, being overwhelmed with deadlines, not doing well on a test or paper that one worked hard on, questioning one’s major and future goals, etc. </p>
<p>See if school will not him withdraw from some classes, take incomplete on others. Mostly, see what son wants to do. Does he want fewer classes? A less challenging atmosphere? A job? No question but that he already has your love and support.</p>
<p>I strongly agree with sax in post #5. He needs help, not punishment. There may come a time when insisting on independence is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t sound like it is now, to me.</p>
<p>You’re going to get a lot of advice on here, and a lot it will conflict for a reason. Nobody can actually tell you how to best handle the situation. Trust your intuition and trust what your son says he needs. It’s good you have a professional invlved and I’d trust that advice as well.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this and I hope you remember to get some support for yourself. Situations like this can take time to unwind and each one has it’s own internal reason…drugs, alcohol, first bad relationship, chemical anxiety, depression, fear of leaving home, immmaturity, academic burnout, not really wanting to be in school…etc…sometimes, too, there are underlying metabolic, hormonal, or illness issues.</p>
<p>Nobody on a message board can give you any answers except to seek professional help and to love your son. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>I agree with Sax too. This child needs help which it sounds like you are getting but still don’t have answers as to why this happening and how to go forward. </p>
<p>What does your S have to say about his situation? Does he reveal anything that might make sense of this turmoil?</p>
<p>I would strongly suggest a consultation with a psychiatrist to see if there is something more serious going on, or to perhaps prescribe antianxiety, or antidepressants. I don’t want to scare you, but I work in a field that interacts directly with the mental health profession. It is not uncommon for serious mental illness to first manifest itself in the early 20’s. You need to help him figure out what is going on. Best wishes and stay strong.</p>
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<p>Way back when, this is exactly what happened to me for the reasons the therapist listed. I did the false start and stop thing a couple of times before going back and completing my UG degree and getting a master’s degree. Sometimes kids just need to mature a little bit as well as get a taste of what it’s like to work a menial job for little pay on a full-time basis.</p>
<p>I’ve know people who have done the full, ‘cut them loose and let them survive on their own’ tactic and it worked brilliantly. Sometimes it doesn’t. You really don’t know until you try it.</p>
<p>If it were my son, I would bring him home with the understanding that he will get a job (no matter how menial) and be working toward some goal - an apartment, getting back to school, etc. Don’t make it easy for him at home - no sleeping late during the week, no late nights during the week, must do chores, must show you proof of daily job-seeking, maybe take 1 class at a local CC to build up his confidence, continue therapy. If he’s working -make him pay a fair rent, no blowing his paycheck on a new car, technology toys, etc.</p>
<p>Once you get behind in college, it can be very overwhelming to get back on track. He may need to take more baby steps in order to build his confidence and develop some study skills. The one thing about college is no one is there to hold your hand and make sure you get to class, turn in assignments, etc. Professors, in general, aren’t going to follow-up the way a high school teacher would and roommates aren’t going to ensure the student gets up and to class the way parents would. It’s a different world and many kids have a hard time adjusting.</p>
<p>My brother left school in his sophomore year. He worked & bought a house. He struggled with depression (still has some issues with it, but manages well). He has his own business with his twin brother, who left school during his senior year (!) for other personal reasons. They are both okay with themselves & their lives.</p>
<p>My friend’s son tried school a couple times & it didn’t work out. He stopped going to class - didn’t bother to withdraw, so ended up failing out both times. He is 22, has no job, no goals. She is worried to death about him. He won’t see a mental health professional (has been there & done that several times over). Friend has helped him financially for a given period of time, which is about to expire. She is beside herself, because the time is about up … and he is going to have to man up.</p>
<p>Cousin still lives at home at 39. Has college degree, has worked seldom. Uncle & aunt don’t say much … we don’t pry. Cousin seems “normal” - not sure why the failure to launch.</p>
<p>Many stories … many reasons … many outcomes. It’s good that you can come here and share. It’s good to hear the stories of others. Take what you can from everyone here, and use it as you see fit for yourself. Even if it’s just knowing that others have experienced this, you will get something good from the ongoing discussion.</p>
<p>In the end, keep doing what you feel in your heart is right for your son, your family, and this individual situation. Know that we are here for you.</p>
<p>Thank you for your response. I know he is hurting and needs our help…especially since he finally asked for our help. I think he needs a break from this destructive, non-productive pattern.</p>
<p>I had a pediatrician tell me once that the quickest way to mess up a kid was to send him to therapy. I personally think that you either have him go to therapy and get a label to use as a crutch or wake him up. Your son is probably just immature. It is not uncommon for immature kids to make poor decisions and then seem overwhelmed and surprised with the negative results that always seem to happen. I think the latest teenage brain research supports this issue and many researchers feel that the parts of the brain that help us make good decisions doesn’t fully develop until around the age of 25.</p>
<p>My son did the same type of thing and is now home working a pizza parlor while waiting to go to boot camp with the Air Force. (Dropped out of school after first semester of sophomore year.) After being home a few months he admitted he had had a poor attitude about school and had acted irresponsibly. He knows he isn’t ready to go back because he needs a break, he needs to grow up a little (his words) and he needs a little more life experience to figure out what he wants to do. </p>
<p>Even though my son is surprisingly making rather good money delivering pizza (a lot of hours and tips), he knows it isn’t enough to allow him to live on his own. He is looking at the Air Force as a way of being self-supporting with health insurance (yes he does understand how valuable this is) and as a way for him to travel, get some life experience and get some high-end technical training in an area of interest. He is also happy knowing that when he is ready to go back to college the Air Force’s GI bill will allow him to get his degree without financially relying on us and while in the service he can work on a degree with the AF paying for it. </p>
<p>The military isn’t for everyone but I really do think a lot of professional families have a negative attitude toward the military and that if they were more open-minded about the military they might be more willing to encourage their kids to join.</p>
<p>Now, the military is harder to get into than it was a few years ago. The economy has forced a lot of young people who would have never considered joining a few years ago to join and many military personnel are staying in until the economy gets better. Therefore, if your son truly has a mental illness, they will find out before accepting him and probably not accept him. If he is just lazy, like my son, they will take him, barring low ASVAB test scores or other physical problems.</p>
<p>One comment. You say he is not on drugs but does drink. Alcohol is in fact a drug. Why is he drinking? That needs to be factored into the equation as well IMO.</p>
<p>When young males are brought home it can be easy for them to slide into a dependency state where mom does the laundry and there isn’t a need to handle things oneself. Parents who try to change the dynamic can end up doing a lot of shouting (which an insecure guy doesn’t need). </p>
<p>“Depression” covers lots of country. There is some that is dangerous and won’t be conquered easily. There is some other flavors that some kids will use to bully parents. . . as in “take care of me or I’ll kill myself.” Posters are absolutely correct that no internet forum can ever assess depression! </p>
<p>I do know that OP is not alone. I know of a number of young men who are smart, out of school and unemployed. It is hard on them and hard on their families.</p>