I completely own the fact that I might be overplanning, but I’m hoping some folks with more experience might be able to ease my qualms.
Basically, I’m worried about balancing my prudishness with respecting my future roommates autonomy this fall. I’ve heard countless stories from friends and family about being “sexiled” by their roommates, and I’m honestly a bit freaked out by the prospect of my roommate carrying out her sex life in our bedroom.
So, what’s the etiquette? Is it ridiculous to make clear to my roommate that I never want to be sexiled, ever? Am I being unreasonable?
Do you mean even when you’re not there? It’s reasonable to ask not to be kicked out for the night, but you don’t get much control over what happens when you’re, say, home for the weekend, even if it freaks you out.
Remember that you both pay for the room so you both have a right to be there
Having guests over (BF or not) has to be agreed to
It is reasonable to have guests over…but not to the point where it overly inconveniences the other party
It is reasonable to not want people to have sex while you are in the room
It is reasonable for any roommate to have a BF over when you are not there…and reasonable for you to let your roommate know when you won’t be around and when you are coming back
It is not reasonable to tell your roommate she can’t ever have sex in your room even when you’re not planning on being in there. As for sexiling, obviously you have the right to be in your room whenever you need to be but imo if your roommate politely asks to be left alone for a couple hours during the day or something and you said no, she would be well within her rights to be annoyed about it.
You might consider finding a roommate with the same feelings as you. As you meet people on the Class of 2022 facebook page for your school, wait until you find someone who seems to share your basic moral background. Before you commit to being roommates, find a way to bring this up.
Also, as awkward as it may be, setting some ground rules at the front end that you both agree to sets everyone’s expectations. Some schools require roommates set up these types of agreements - includes all kinds of roommate etiquette, not just opposite relationship stuff - during orientation, which I think is a great idea.
You may benefit from sharing schedules upfront so that you both know when the other is certain to be away. You may want to have a friend over for a private conversation.
This is a common problem for some roommates. But, making an agreement would be your best bet. I know some of my friends who deal with this now and they usually work something out between the two of them.
“if your roommate politely asks to be left alone for a couple hours during the day or something and you said no, she would be well within her rights to be annoyed about it.”
Let her be annoyed. It’s not up to you to have to find a place to go for a couple of hours if you don’t want to.
Just try to work with them though, IMO. It’s a lot easier to allow a roommate a few hours alone when you’ve got something else to do, than to witness something, or to have a consistently terrible relationship with them.
I think the room is for both of you to enjoy but not anyone else. So I don’t think anyone can EXPECT to have guests over or have exclusive use of the room. I’d get pretty annoyed at my roommate if he/she gave me attitude if I didn’t want to have to stay out of my room so they could have sex. But this is what the roommate contracts are for. Personally as an incoming freshman I’d write the contract more restrictively with the thought you can revisit it later in the year after you’ve all settled down and into your routines, and you figure out how respectful/reasonable your roommate is. It’s easier to loosen up the rules than tighten them.
