<p>So you interpreted the teeth marks on the piano as real, Wildwood11?</p>
<p>^yeah, I suppose so. Some people bite down on things in frustration. I can see a kid doing that to a piano in such a moment.</p>
<p>The cover page says the book is not a self-help book. The ending talks about how Ms. Chua no longer forces her daughters into ECs. Lulu dropped violin and took to tennis. Sophia began to practice piano without her mom asking at around age 14-15. After reading the book I can definitely say that it’s not about how to raise kids. As Ms. Chua has said all along, it’s a memoir.</p>
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<p>I can recall a couple of birthdays ruined by entitled brats who upon opening certain gifts, exclaimed in Chua fashion: “I don’t like those toys,” or “I already have this,” or “these are for babies,” pushing those gifts aside.</p>
<p>I think we have a lot of moms here… As a mom, I am the one who makes sure everyone has a nice birthday, plan every holiday celebration, buy presents for everyone in my family and H’s family, and share mother’s day with my mother and MIL(yes, I am very lucky that they are still around). I am always the doer to celebrate every occassion. MY birthday is the only day that’s my day, and only my day, I don’t have to share it with anyone. So for that one day, I don’t think it’s too much to expect my kids and H to go out of their way to show their appreciation of everything I do for them. </p>
<p>Ok, that’s my vent. FYI - I gave that speech to my family on one of my birthdays, and since then they haven’t forgotten my birthday.</p>
<p>In regards to the teethmarks on the piano - I think they’re real, and not from Fido. I know a parent who didn’t allow her child to go to McDonald’s after a swim meet because of her strict rules regarding fast food. Child retaliated by taking a bite out of her car upholstery (milk does build strong teeth and bones!). The biting as a way of getting back at the parent is very genuine but impulsive child behavior.</p>
<p>I’m very glad my own children play the piano (practice of up to two hours a night) and very glad that ours has no teeth marks. Somehow I managed to raise disciplined children with good grades and ambition without bludgeoning the spirit out of them. Maybe I should write a book.</p>
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<p>I’ve handled situations poorly, a trait I share with, well, everyone who is a member of the human race. I’ve generally have the good graces, however, to at least have some guilt or reflection afterwards, and a resolution to do better, and an apology to those wronged.</p>
<p>The New Yorker article (which I just read in the magazine) puts it very nicely. After referencing the quote about not being curious at law school but just wanting to write down what the professor said and memorize it, the author of the article goes on to say
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<p>While I appreciate my entire birthday month being celebrated as a national holiday (it’s December for all you keeping notes, LOL), I am more than content with a heartfelt “happy birthday, mom, I love you,” from my kids and maybe a small act of kindness (I’ll bring you a cup of tea). I don’t know, it’s my pleasure to do nice things for their birthday and I really don’t feel it needs to be a tit-for-tat I-did-this-for-you-and-therefore-you-owe-me. </p>
<p>Whether Chua’s parenting methods “worked” seem completely irrelevant to me. It’s entirely possible for a kid to value excellence, hard work, discipline, etc. without doing it in a nasty fashion. Plenty of American / western families manage to do so – it’s not rocket science. The choices aren’t the black-and-white strict-but-excellence vs laidback-and-failing that she postulates.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I am with you on this! (#1187)</p>
<p>I have made my share of parenting mistakes. I never thought it to be a weakness to acknowledge my mistakes, even to a 3-year old. Maybe that is why that kid thought it would be OK to try things that were not slam-dunks. Even his mom came up short sometimes; she admitted it and was still loved.</p>
<p>I just want to go on the record to say that I do not agree with many things which have been posted on here of what Chua did (I say that because I didn’t read the book). But what I am trying to point out is for all of those things Chua have done wrong, I think she probably have done a lot of right things for her children too. It is no different than so many posters self-congratulate themselves on how they have done things differently (better) than Chua, but probably have done sworse things than Chua. Sad thing is some of those people probably don’t even know they have done anything wrong.</p>
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I don’t know, maybe I am just more of a selfish person. I can’t say I am that selfless for that one day I wouldn’t expect my family to make me feel special. I guess everyone is different. Maybe that’s why I could relate to Chua a bit. You know, how we Asians are just alike.:)</p>
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<p>Of course. They were always taken care of, they never went hungry, they always had medical care, they had access to fabulous opportunities that most families can only dream of, including terrific travel opportunities and access to great educational opportunities. But none of those justify the nasty, over-controlling behavior on the mother’s part.</p>
<p>I could point out a lot more neglect some parents have demonstrated, sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all.</p>
<p>How many threads do we have on CC about kids failing out of school (parents clueless), kids doing drugs (parents clueless, but it’s due to ADD, ADHD, you name it)?</p>
<p>oldfort,
I think your feelings about your birthday are legitimate. I don’t have a problem at all with moms proclaiming that they want to be pampered on their special day. I have a problem with Chua criticizing her 4-year-old’s gift, throwing it back at her, making her re-do it and calling her party favors “stupid.” It is possible to ask your family to make your day a special one, in a really nice, appreciative way. It is not that hard.</p>
<p>Since she wrote the book, and opened it with a passage clearly indicating the superiority of her parenting, I don’t think we need to congratulate her on doing well just because she could have done worse. Chua gave her story to the world as an example of the way things should be, with a few humbling childhood tantrums thrown in to show us she’s human after all. </p>
<p>She is trying to reframe her presentation only after discovering that very few are grateful for her wise example.</p>
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<p>But again, so what? If I ignore my kid, is it justified because other parents beat their kids? I don’t see why the existence of “worse” parents (and there certainly are plenty of those!) has anything to do with anything. </p>
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<p>Sometimes kids fail out of school because they aren’t smart enough to handle the work. Chua was lucky in that she had smart kids to begin with. What if she had legitimately had someone whose best efforts were only C’s? That <em>is</em> possible. Not everyone is brilliant, though I recognize most on here are :-)</p>
<p>Chua is no different than some posters here in demonstrating their supriority in parenting. Some posters feel it is unreasonable that some of us would need to feel appreciated on our birthday (a small cup of tea would be sufficient for me), because we are all suppose to be mother Teresa. Sheesh, after I slaved for you 364 days a year, I want more than a cup of tea. I have no problem in telling my family that, even if it makes me look selfish.</p>
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<p>Right. Chua apparently doesn’t know any other way to talk to her children outside of the nasty, dismissive put-down. What would have been wrong with saying – not “in the moment” of receiving the card, but later on that day or the next day – “you know, I have to tell you guys, I’m a little bit hurt because I really try to make an effort to make everyone’s day special, I make your favorite foods, let you sleep late, blah blah blah, and it would really make me feel good if I felt that people cared enough about my birthday to try to make it a special day for me, too”? It could accomplish the same thing without having to tell a four-year-old that her card sucks. You don’t have to be a Yale Law professor to figure out what seems to be just normal common sense.</p>
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<p>Ha, I am no Mother Teresa, that is for sure!</p>
<p>It’s not THAT you tell them that it’s important to you to have your birthday be made special. It’s HOW you tell them. </p>
<p>You can throw your 4 yo’s card back in her face with a sour grimace and a this-isn’t-good-enough-for-queen-bee-me attitude, or you can say, “You know, everyone, it makes me feel sad when my birthday passes and I feel that no one is trying to make it special, especially when I make an effort to make your birthdays special.” The same thing is accomplished.</p>
<p>^^^#(1198) By saying what she said when she said it, the girls had the opportunity to make it good. If she had waited a day or two, that opportunity would have been gone and shame, guilt or resentment would probably resulted.</p>
<p>Instead, I would have let it go and would have used the next family event as a teaching moment, and never have mentioned the inadequacy of the card I received.</p>
<p>But I took the burnt cookie, too!</p>