<p>“I’ll do them, I’ll do them. I’ve got it covered,” is what he says. Then he does more of…other things.</p>
<p>Sounds like DS 2 years ago. I was sure he would not. I bit my tongue, kept busy with my stuff, and guess what? He got all the applications in by the deadline. I think "minding your own business is, in my opinion, the way to go. The kids have to learn self-imposed discipline at some points. Why no now?</p>
<p>^^I agree. Flashing back to three years ago, I remember mightily resisting the temptation to lurk outside my son’s room, listening for keyboard sounds. He’s a last-minute guy, but a very reliable one. In a way, he’s just like his mother–inspiration tends to come after much internal cogitating. Let them be, and it will happen. It’s part of letting go for us and growing up for them.</p>
<p>Chai, it’s exactly what’s going on at our house. My S says he has it all under control and everything will be great. But we let him accept an invitation to travel with a friend to Europe two days after Christmas, and he has to finish all the apps before he leaves. He also has to help plan the trip, get some warm clothes, and participate in two family birthdays. What’s happening at our house - studying for finals, going out to play soccer, going out to play basketball, going out to watch a game with friends. He’s very cheerful and does not seem to be stressed. I’m quietly (most of the time) going nuts. But I’m also feeling that it will be okay if he doesn’t apply to some of his reachiest schools. As long as he saves those for last, I’ll feel okay about the process in the end.</p>
<p>Yes, lurking around looking for keyboard sounds…that’s me! But usually he’s creating a new D and D character or working on some origami design. never the essays!</p>
<p>I come at this from a different angle. I am not at all afraid to be a directive task master in terms of jointly setting and then adhering to short term deadlines in order to manage the college app work load.</p>
<p>I watched my father use the “let them learn the life lessons” bit with my older brother (now in his mid-50s.) The poor choices my brother made re college put him on a life course that has destined him to marginal employability and poverty throughout his life. I has spoken to my father about it at some length–as we wrestle with how much money we give my bro and his family, so they don’t lose their home, or live w/out medical insurance. My father regards it as one of the great mistakes of his life, not a trivial judgment for someone who ran large organizations with multi-million dollar budgets and hundreds of employees during his career.</p>
<p>The second reason I am not willing to stand idly by, is that the outcome involves a HUGE amount of my money. I would not entrust my 16 year old son to make any other $150k investment decision carte blanche.</p>
<p>Finally, I have watched coaches, personal trainers, and excellent piano faculty train people. They push hard, to ensure that their clients/players reach the goals that they have for themselves. They are not abusive, but they provide important extrinsic motivation that supplements intrinsic motivation. They also don’t tell the client/player what they should want, but they are willing to get in their face, if that is what they think is called for at that moment. I don’t see college apps as any different.</p>
<p>It makes my heart shudder when I bring my son to tears and yelling over college apps, but I see it as part of my job description this fall. Not a pleasant one, but a necessary one.</p>
<p>Everybody has to make these choices for themselves, but I contend that stepping in to direct/push/help is not a parenting failure.</p>
<p>I believe that when the fat envelopes are opened in April, he will say “look at what I have accomplished,” and my holding his feet to the fire in December will be a fading memory. And I will hug him and say “Yes, you did it, and I am happy that you get to go where you want.”</p>
<p>chai-I have twins who are freshmen in college, so we went through this in duplicate last year. 
I believe I am the one who coined the term “mental duct tape” on another thread, and I would urge you to use it. 
You are right about damaging the relationship, even if only for the short run. Your son will do it, in his own sweet time. My S3 had the rep as the “king of all procrastinators,” but eventually he got everything in “on his own sweet time.” And it was in ON TIME, just as your son’s applications will be, even if that is hard to fathom at this point. It was just at the very last minute, something opposite of what I would have done. But many of these kids do work best under pressure, when they absolutely have to! Courage! ;)</p>
<p>My son admitted, on Dec. 26, that he had yet to start writing his college essays, due Jan 1; he’d earlier missed the ED deadline. In his defense, he was taking two college courses and working half-time in addition to finishing up high school, so I was somewhat sympathetic, but he is a procrastinator and doesn’t love to write. We were about to leave on a family vacation long planned for Dec. 27-30. We ended up leaving him home with enough food to get him through the next several days (he does not yet have his drivers’ license, and we live way out in the country).</p>
<p>He got 'em cranked out, and the applications submitted about 10 minutes before the midnight Jan 1 deadline. The essays certainly weren’t fabulous works of prose art, and I doubt they tipped any scales in his direction–in fact, he was rejected from a couple of schools that were a match for his high stats. But he had some excellent choices and is happy where he is attending.</p>
<p>Sometimes, you just need to bite your tongue.</p>
<p>Breathedeeply, I’m so glad to hear someone else’s son feels the same way! I was very surprised when it all came out, because at his age I couldn’t WAIT to leave home. I’m sure he’ll be fine once he leaves (and of course I’m secretly gratified that he likes it so well here at home! ). I’m going to miss him terribly myself. I think the absence part hasn’t had time to sink in, busy as it’s been getting all the apps out.</p>
<p>Good luck with making and sticking to your schedule. DS has finals until Thursday, then after that, he’s going to have a very busy two weeks writing essays.</p>
<p>DD is a perfectionist, procrastinator, has ADHD. She also had a bear of a schedule fall of senior year. The only things she did in the fall on her apps, other than ask for recs, was to wrestle with possible essay topics. </p>
<p>She finally wrote her common app essay over winter break. And wrote the rest of the common app. And managed to get her first three apps in. JUST before the midnight deadline on Jan 1(we prioritized which to do first, in case of computer problems, etc). Then did one more the next day (the day IT was due).</p>
<p>The next batch also were done just before the deadline. </p>
<p>She got in 9 apps - I had hoped she would do two more (long story) but she finally didn’t have time and dropped two. She got into three of her match schools, two with nice FA offers, and will be attending RPI this fall (she is on a gap year program now)</p>
<p>So just get through it.</p>
<p>I can recommend several inexpensive Merlots. Oak Grove was not bad - if you want to spend a little more Angeline I think it was called was nice.</p>
<p>“He got 'em cranked out, and the applications submitted about 10 minutes before the midnight Jan 1 deadline. The essays certainly weren’t fabulous works of prose art, and I doubt they tipped any scales in his direction”</p>
<p>DD ended up writing a beauty of a common app essay.</p>
<p>When we scratched our heads at her rejection from Tulane, and WL at Lafayette, which seemed inconsistent with her acceptances at Case, lehigh, and RPI, and were about to chalk it up to the unpredictability of college admissions, DD admitted that her Tulane and Lafayette essays were rushed and not very good.</p>
<p>I have to agree with UT. There is a point at which I realized that I was footing the bill, so I was entitled to a say in the process. I told my S that until the apps were done he was allowed to do the basics (school, job, EC’s) and nothing more. When he had mental blocks (the never-ending supplements) we brainstormed until he found topics that excited him. I was not the most popular parent in the house, but the stress was affecting the entire family.</p>
<p>I, too, have known kids who had underlying fears of leaving that manifested in not completing the apps, but someone a few posts up put it really well. Getting the apps done does not translate to leaving home. If anything, it increases the number of choices that will be available in the long run. </p>
<p>Good luck. There is still plenty of time.</p>
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<p>This is my feeling at the moment. These applications affect not only the parents’ money, but also the amount of money available for college for our younger child. </p>
<p>Also, to me the issue is not whether the applications will be completed before we leave for vacation, as I expect they will, but whether my D will put her best effort into them.</p>
<p>Just to add a slightly different angle…</p>
<p>A college visit from here is easily a $1200 proposition, once you figure 2 airline tickets, rental car, hotel, and so forth, not to even mention the lost wages of 3+ days of work for a parent. So if my bright and talented son ends up not getting around to applying to a school (or applies with a slapdash essay)–that he really likes based on this $1200 visit–am I supposed to just say “that’s ok, son, you have learned a valuable lesson about responsibility and consequences?” And what lesson is that?</p>
<p>These parenting choices are so tough. He is so busy. He has accomplished so much more than I had at his age. He really wants to go to a good school. Shouldn’t I be the coach that gets behind the staggering marathon runner and yells “The finish line is only 8 essays away!! I know you can do it!! Now write, g*ddammit!!”</p>
<p>UT - I agree completely with your strategy. It boggles my mind when people say ‘to leave them alone and let them learn a life lesson’. I think the stakes are too high and a 16 year old had no clue as to the ramifications of their actions.</p>
<p>Last year we had the same stresses with S1 - and I nagged & bribed & negotiated. If he wanted to go play poker with friends, he had to complete a supplement. If he wanted to go skiing with friends, he first needed to finish his scholarship application. It got to the point where he would say “I am going to so-and-so’s house - and I finished the supplement for college X”. </p>
<p>Yes, he had melt downs. And yes, he was completing an application at midnight in our hotel room on new years eve. And yes, I tried to be mindful of keeping our relationship whole. But I did not just let him flounder - he needed to be pushed!</p>
<p>Today he is taking his last final at his #1 school - a reach school for everyone. And he LOVES it. This too shall pass and things will all work out the way it is supposed to. But make sure he has as many options as possible come April 1st.</p>
<p>haha I’m new as well and haven’t figured out the DH yet either - def is the husband, but not sure what the D stands for!</p>
<p>Frankly, UT, I’m looking for what works–for my own peace of mind over the next couple of weeks–I haven’t been sleeping very well–and also what will give my son the greatest number of viable options come spring. I’ve never grounded my son in my life. Is this the time to start, to say, no girlfriend, no friends, no internet etc until you finish. That’s not me and has never been me, but reasonable conversations, having worked, letting my angst leak out certainly hasn’t worked, enlisting the help of other adults (like his counselor) hasn’t worked. Maybe I should tell him, “You have this week to dick around and procrastinate, but if that hasn’t worked, you and I are going to hole up for three days after Christmas and you’re going to finish.” That hasn’t been my style either. Mostly I’m just grasping at straws. Probably would be better to go out for a nice long walk this afternoon and exhaust myself rather than sitting inside trying to work, being distracted by my worrying.</p>
<p>How is letting the kids do their own applications without nagging allow them to control the money? I already told DS the money I was willing to spend. If he couldn’t get the applications in time to a school that he wanted to go to that was affordable, he would have to take a gap year. Gap years should be considered particularly for 16 y.o’s (young for grade) that can’t be trusted with their own college applications.</p>
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<p>In my house, directive task master = drill sargeant.</p>
<p>Would I have loved D to take ownership of the whole college process? Of course. Was it going to happen? No way. My D is “queen of procrastination” (her words) so I had to show her the big picture, establish short term deadlines for her and stay on top of her. Yes, there were tears but, in the long run, reduced stress because apps were in early and there were early acceptances. No way was I letting her wait till the last minute – too much riding on it.</p>
<p>So we had a couple of tough weekends in September (last year, she’s a college freshman now - got in to two of her top three choices, deferred at the other). One weekend, she came up with some concepts and we discussed; the next weekend was drafting time (I didn’t let her up from the dining room table till an essay was drafted, for example). Knowing all that was on her plate and her procrastination style, it could have dragged through December. I was not about to let that happen. We were no worse for the wear. It did not affect our relationship and we stayed close throughout the whole process (and now, when she is away at school).</p>
<p>If your S/D is more of a self-starter or you are good at waiting for them, that’s for you to decide. Some people hire college counselors as the go-between. Since I am a writer and clearly college-obsessed, my neighbor actually hired me to sit with her S, look at the apps, review essays, etc. His parents had had it and begged me to help him just get it done. (Ironically, the first day I was sitting with him, my D came in with her first acceptance.)</p>
<p>Now, my D is at college. She is getting better at not procrastinating, but she has a ways to go. It’s better that I don’t know what’s going on and she is taking reponsibility. She gets it.</p>
<p>Good luck. There’s no right or wrong answer. You need to do what is best for your S and your family.</p>
<p>I have no advice but thank you for posting. Sometimes reading these forums it seems everyone else’s kid is such an angel… mine has been somewhat of a monster through the process and I am glad to see I am not the only “terrible parent”. Sigh and good luck. Our apps are finally done and in, although not always done with level of attention that I would have liked.</p>
<p>I never went through this with any of my kids because we did set up a deadline date for the competion of each application. Every application was complete at almost the same time as the early decision and early action apps. Three of my four applied and got in early so all of those essays sat unused. My daughter had was done with her apps by November because we made it clear that the start of December was the start of the holidays and there was NOT going to be any of that stuff floating around the house causing her or us stress. </p>
<p>Just set a deadline and if it is not done than he does not apply. It will be his choice to do it or not, and his choice to attend his safety schools. My feeling is that things shake out the way they are supposed to. He may not really want to attend the reach schools.</p>