Be a sweetheart and score my essay

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<p>i don't know if i got these stories right, after all i'm not American; I shouldn't be well versed in its history. Oh well, Please score me and give suggestions and corrections, I need them!</p>

<p>prompt: the old saying, "be careful what you wish for", may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once "success" is achieved than they were before.</p>

<p>Assignment:
can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Essay:
I strongly believe that success can be disastrous. Most people strive to become successful thinking that it solves life's difficulties but do not know its ramifications. Although success opens doors to opportunities, it also opens doors of destruction. A few examples in History prove that success can be disastrous.</p>

<p>In 1912, Titanic the "unsinkable" ship foundered in the middle of the atlantic ocean. It was the greatest achievement ever made at that time. It started off as a successful project with everyone anxiously waiting for its launch. It was so successful that people thought God couldn't sink the ship. However, the ship struck an iceberg and sank killing half of the people on the ship. If the ship hadn't been successful at least a lot of people wouldn't have lost their lives and possessions. This proves that success can be disastrous.</p>

<p>Furthermore, the crash of '29 is another example that shows that success has its consequences. In the 1920s, the economy of the United States experienced a boom and people were encouraged to purchase shares in the hopethat everyone would benefit from the economic blessing. However, The stock market crashed in 1929 conceiving the Great Depression period that rendered a lot of people jobless and impecunious.</p>

<p>After carefully analyzing the above examples, I can say that, indeed, success can be disastrous. Human beings perceive success as the only solution to life's problems not knowing it as well comes with its own chaos. This shows that, there is always an adverse effect is every good thing.</p>

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<p>43 views and no score … please help!!!</p>

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<p>If I were grading this holistically (as we’re instructed to do), I’d probably have given this a two. Breaking it into categories, though, this is what I get: </p>

<p>ESSAY STRUCTURE: 2/6
VOCABULARY: 3/6
GRAMMAR and SYNTAX: 3/6
USAGE: 5/6
OVERALL SCORE: 2.6</p>

<p>STRUCTURE:
What you say makes sense and it follows the prompt logically enough. However, your examples aren’t exactly breathtaking in their originality or insight. Further, this essay is short yet awfully repetitive. This means that, content-wise, it’s even shorter than it looks. </p>

<p>VOCAB:
Vocabulary generally reflects the quality of an idea, and there aren’t enough original ideas here. The words you use are inoffensive but also inconsequential. The appearance of the word “impecunious” toward the end was…interesting</p>

<p>GRAMMAR and SYNTAX:
You use lots of overly wordy phrasings. (In many of your sentences, you could have conveyed the same idea using fewer words.) </p>

<p>USAGE:<br>
I don’t see any mistakes that would lower your score.</p>

<p>I wish you’d gone farther discussing the “ramifications” of success. (Go look that word up—even if you know what it means— and you might see what I’m talking about.)</p>

<p>Your conclusion raises the issue of “chaos.” Now THAT is an idea I’d like for you to have developed.</p>

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<p>Thanks alot…
So your saying i should work more on giving examples and detailed explanations?
The thing is, I try not to write too much because of time</p>