This is me 110%!!!
I think it is really important to understand: your kids are not your extensions, and what is important to YOU is not what maybe important to them. Carry on.
ETA: I don’t think I could sleep peacefully knowing I refused to contribute to the reasonable wedding budget for our kids the amount I can easily spend on a semi-annual vacation. Of course, if I was struggling financially… but that is another story.
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I know, but pretty sure I know my kids and they are on my wavelength. Just asked my oldest “if you ever get married would you want a big wedding” and I got back, “Absolutely not! Why would I want that!?”
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Define “big wedding.”
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To be fair, my comment was done tongue in cheek. I didn’t say I wouldn’t give ANYTHING. Contributing to a honeymoon, sure. The rehearsal dinner, yeah. But we also don’t have the funds many do here either. I’d probably need a loan for some of the wedding done here.
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Fair enough! 
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I’m figuring out how much I can contribute. I think I will pay for the dresses (both my kids are engaged) and some other things. One is getting married locally and I’m not allowed to invite any of my friends (even if I pay) as they just don’t want a big wedding and they have a lot of friends. I’m really okay with that. Their money, their party. I can actually see them eloping if they get tired of planning. They’ve been to a lot of weddings and don’t think they are that fun anymore.
The other is getting married out of town, so I’ll probably host a breakfast so cocktail party around the time of their wedding.
We had initially planned to host the rehearsal dinner for my son, and my sister offered to host the welcome party. The couple were over 30 and did not want to have invitations be that specific about who was hosting. We just gave them some money and they added it to their wedding kitty! They paid for the majority of the wedding themselves. My husband was asked to give a speech at the rehearsal dinner and bride’s dad gave a speech at the wedding reception (and bride’s family gave some money too). So, that seemed to be a traditional nod to the parents . And the wedding invitations also said something like “Together with our families, bride and groom names, invite you , etc.” Which I thought was fine.
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Oh, probably more than 10-15 people. I just had a chat with my oldest about it all and they are not really in favor of marriage for themselves at all, but could see living with someone in the future. Definitely no big wedding.
My younger D22 is dating a young woman from another country, only child. They are gay, obviously, and her parents don’t live in the US. Not sure what a wedding for them would look like, but her parents are reportedly on board with the relationship. I know a lot of traditional weddings in their culture are very big. This would be a big big struggle for me, but I’d do it for the kids.
My kids have 9 cousins. One had a small courthouse wedding. One had a small-medium fancy destination wedding at the tail end of COVID (that we weren’t invited to thank goodness). One is in a relationship with someone from another country and they may get married in the future. Four are living with their partners, but not married. Two are single.
We had friends who had a courthouse wedding with like 2 witnesses (30 years ago) and then just had a band play at a club later and invited their friends. It was super casual. I could enjoy something like that.
We have friends our age (50s) who got married a year ago with pretty much just themselves and are having an unconventional celebration next month at a local business they frequent. I’m pretty trepidatious about going to it because I hate parties, but I will go because one of the couple is one of my husband’s oldest friends.
Something more unconventional like that would be my style, but if my D22 wants to get married I will do what I need to do to make their wedding happen the way they want it to within financial reason.
I am not a big fan of big weddings (not really a party person). I have been joking for years with my daughter (only child) that she should elope. We have a super small family (It would probably only be my husband and I representing our side of the family - no siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) I have recently changed my mind (thought it was sad that a couple of people I know had kids get married during Covid without their parents present.) I am now telling her small wedding, but I want to be there (even if we are the only witnesses). Now that she has been to a few weddings, I think she would probably want to somehow celebrate low-key with her friends, even if she eloped. That all being said, despite having a very long term relationship, she does not seem inclined to get married (or even live with him).
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I am not a fan of big weddings either. I gave my kid a fair amount of money, and told him I would be sad if he eloped but I would get over it quickly. They had a small (20ish) people wedding that was perfectly them.
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I really hate the word “elope.” Even if your “wedding” includes only 2 people, B&G, it is a wedding. It is a celebration of a relationship. “Elope” sounds almost like evading the law or something.
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Agreed, elope implies running away and secretly marrying.
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And that still happens. My sister got married and never told anyone. For years. She didn’t really want to be married but he did. They already had 2 kids.
When I was in college, I woke up one morning to a girl whispering to my roommate “Hey, MJ, guess what? I got married last night.” I think it was a weeknight and it wasn’t planned at all. I don’t think they’d been dating very long.
I agree that inviting 20 people to head to Vegas to watch you get married is not eloping.
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I keep encouraging my kids to elope! Not eager to spend six figures on a wedding.
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There were 135 guests at D and SIL’s wedding almost 8 years ago. Not sure if that is a big wedding or not. Everyone invited was a family member, a friend of the couple or a close family friend who knew the couple. It wasn’t inexpensive but we wanted everyone to have fun and to that end we paid for lots of food, an open bar and good music.
Hoping no one there “hated it”. It never occurred to us that hosting an event to celebrate and asking people to share our joy was something that seems to offend some people.
FWIW we didn’t ask anyone to pay for it and no one was required to attend. And we did not spend 6 figures.
My nieces had big weddings and I had a blast attending!
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My H’s mom & sister (and her H) constantly ask about our son’s love life. They were very meddlesome when he had a long term girlfriend (they broke up just before the Covid lockdown), and they seem to believe that he could not possibly be happy without a wife. I have told them that my two bachelor brothers and my unmarried 60-something best friend are all just fine. I actually find it insulting when they insinuate that my unmarried family members can’t possibly be happy. Why not?
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It’s pretty offensive.
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To be clear I am never “offended” by people inviting me to parties whether they are weddings or some other occasion. I just do not like parties at all. Often I will make an excuse not to go, but sometimes I feel like I am obligated to go or that I will otherwise feel worse if I don’t go (maybe it’s a rare chance to see older relatives or certain people, etc). I bet everyone had a good time at your D’s wedding.
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Delete - responded to wrong post