Well, a classmate of my daughter’s got into his/her Ivy. Mine didn’t even apply to this school but after an hour I find myself feeling very jealous. And mine didn’t even have this school in sights.
This person is a fantastic kid! Not the highest stat kid, but a genuine leader in the community. Nice to everybody with fantastic social skills. I loved this kid when he/she was little (haven’t seen him/her in a several years but I’m sure I’d still love this kid).
This kid wants to be president some day.
Why am I not happy for him/her? What can I do to not be this way?
Are these feelings normal?
Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’m not proud of myself here.
I’m not sure why these feelings happen, but I wanted to reassure you that you aren’t the only one. I’m a hs senior, and 3 of my friends are also applying to my top choice school. it’s an extremely selective school, and even though these three girls are my best friends, part of me wishes that they wouldn’t apply, and almost hopes they wouldn’t get in. I think these feelings are just a natural part of the college process, and you shouldn’t feel bad, you aren’t choosing to feel this way
An interesting post, because I can see how these feelings would arise if you didn’t like the kid, or didn’t think he was deserving, but since you do think he is a great kid, it is unexpected to feel this way.
Does your D have any results yet? Once she has a place she is happy with, I bet these feelings will go away. For now, chalk it up to anxiety.
I think this is totally normal. Even though your own kid wasn’t aiming for this school, there is such a strong societal message that getting into an Ivy equals HUGE SUCCESS that it’s hard not to feel a little envious when someone else that you know gets accepted.
You’re recognizing that these feelings are irrational, which is the important thing. You’re not going to go around bad-mouthing this kid or hoping that bad things happen to them. Don’t beat yourself up over feeling a little jealous.
Maybe the feeling is attached to a fear that the prestige of this school will diminish the pride and excitement of your own child’s acceptances? We all want to feel really, really good about our own, and unfortunately the ranking mentality gets wedged deep into our brains whether we want it there at all…
@yauponredux, No! The kid’s parents are lovely people. They really don’t deserve my negative sentiments.
@wisteria100 Your post really spoke to me–we ARE having an anxious week and this news kind of brought that to the surface I think. I don’t want my daughter to feel heartbroken. She’s worked so hard.
@Postmodern, that quote is perfect in this moment.
@inthegarden I don’t think that’s it–at least not now. Like I said, my own D was not even trying to get into this school. Another friend of hers got into another Ivy and I didn’t have any jealous feelings about that one-- just this one.
I’m going to try to distract myself. I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I think it’s normal. Does normal mean everyone would feel the same? Of course not. But it’s just a feeling. Right now my daughter is getting over a rejection from her #1 school, while her best friend already has 4 acceptances from schools, and other friends have acceptances too. None of her friends have applied to selective schools so that’s why, but still, when her best friend’s mom, who is MY best friend, tells me about another acceptance I feel a weird mix of feelings too.
Don’t worry about it. It’ll pass. Especially once your daughter gets some good news from a school she will love.
It’s definitely an anxious time. My D’17 chose not to apply anywhere ED, and reading here about others’ ED acceptances and their huge relief and joy is making me hyperventilate a little. I should ask D’17 whether any of her friends have shared their early acceptances – if so, it might be making her anxious as well, for all she was so stubborn about not wanting to commit anywhere ED.
My best friend’s daughter’s then-boyfriend got into an Ivy at the same time her daughter was on the waiting list for another Ivy. My friend was very, very upset, and her daughter was, too. She ended up getting offered a spot at her Ivy and she took it, to a large extent, I think, because of where the friend was accepted. I think it’s normal to have negative feelings but I would encourage you and your child to not make decisions based on the friend’s decision.
How does your kid feel about it? Maybe it’s rubbing off on you a little?
Or maybe your kid mentioned it wistfully, you started thinking about how excited this other kid and his family must be right now and wish you could share that with your kid. Unless you actually wish the other wonderful kid hadn’t been accepted, I’m not sure I’d classify that as jealousy per se. Maybe envy. This kid’s dream came true and you want the same for your kid. Who wouldn’t?
Getting into certain schools is like winning the lottery. While I wouldn’t say I’m jealous when hear about someone winning a huge lottery jackpot, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about how great it must be for them and how much I’d love to share that with my family.
When you are not genuinely happy for someone else’s kid (or anyone for that matter)…you are just being human. None of us enjoy negative emotions. But, it is what it is and it will likely pass.
It’s normal to think like this and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Badmouthing and putting this child or his/her accomplishments would make you a bad person. It will pass once your child gets into a school. Hang in there.
Once your child gets into the college they will attend, you will be happy for everybody’s child. You may just not be happy they already know, and you are going through the fuc#$ng agony we all are knowing just how much our kids applied themselves and may not get into their first choice. But deep down we know our kids second and third choice are still great schools. Hey, my daughters last choice is where I went, and I’m doing just dandy.
I’m really glad feelings like those don’t beset me.
That said, don’t beat yourself up about it; just keep it to yourself and understand that they’re just feelings and aren’t reasonable or acceptable but that you can’t control how you feel, just what you do. Do not do anything to feed those feelings.
I have written before about the evening a friend’s child was accepted at Stanford. She put a picture on FB of the family celebrating with nothing more than, “congrats susie” as the title.
It made me terribly sad in spite of the fact that this was a dear friend, I adore her kids, my child had not applied to Stanford, we do not live in the same state, and she had been very discreet in her post. In other words, her happiness had come at no cost to me and should have been shared by me. I was actually mystified by my emotions.
After a full weekend of unshakeable sadness, I realized that we were not in a place in the process where we were particularly happy. While there were some acceptances in hand, none were from top choice schools. Her family’s happiness - no, euphoria – was a reminder of my family’s lack thereof in spite of the cheeriness I had tried to maintain for my kid’s sake. Not so different from going to a friend’s wedding when you are unhappily single, but who wants to be that pill of a guest? Yeah, you’d have never been interested in that guy but you sure would like to be in love.
I know, @redpoodles , that you are waiting for news from Waterville and I am hoping it’s good. This process is brutal, but there will be a point, hopefully in a day or two, when you ll be at peace with how it’s gone for you. Until then, you don’t have to be happy for others. As long as you can look at them, smile, and say congratulations, that’s enough.
You sound too invested in the idea of an Ivy (even if your kid’s first choice isn’t one). At least this was a good kid who got in; one of the stinkers in D1’s class got into an Ivy – and probably is still a stinker 8 years later even with that Ivy diploma. It just made me think a little less of that school.
Part of your job as a parent is to not get as wound up in the “dream school” or a specific top ranked school. When you react this way, it is probably a sign that you’ve let yourself get pulled into that mindset. You want to be able to help your kid manage her emotions and make the best choice from her options (and that best choice might not even be the top ranked school she gets into). But to do that, you need to stop and think again about why she made the whole list of schools that she did. Remind yourself (and her) about the advantages of each school on her list.
Another thing to think about as more admissions news comes rolling in is that you can’t know everything that goes into another kid’s app. You can’t know their out of school ECs, legacy connections, rec letter contents, essay contents, or test scores. So second guessing admissions committee decisions is pretty fruitless without all the info.
Your kid will have good choices. They may not have every choice they dreamed of, but your kid is going to college. It will all work out.
So there was this kid who bullied mine. An obnoxious little squirt. Luckily, my son’s teacher realized what was going on, next year made sure the boys weren’t in the same class. The bullied kid’s parents seemed OK – successful, pleasant, friendly – but somehow they forgot to teach their son to be nice. I sort of blamed them for his behavior, but after the boys weren’t in conflict anymore, I went on.
Fast forward to their senior year, and I hear the obnoxious little squirt got into Stanford. Four years later, he got some kind of lucrative master-of-the-universe job. The parents apparently liked to drop these factoids at parties.
I admit it: I was ticked off. Envious, too, I suppose, but mostly ticked off. There is no justice! Where is karma when you need it?
I take solace in the fact that my son is MUCH TALLER. :))
