Blindsided by school who accepted my daughter and now seems to be ghosting her

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

My daughter fell in love with one school. She was accepted to that school. The school seemed eager to welcome her as a freshman in 2019. We waited on word from financial aid. Our situation is kind of complicated. We pretty much needed full aid, and made this clear, and the school said we understand, let’s see what we can do. I discussed this with them at least twice, because I didn’t want my daughter to get her hopes up. After her acceptance letter came, I didn’t hear from FA. I emailed. Asst. Director of Admissions said we’d hear by the end of the week. Friday rolled around, we still hadn’t heard, so I emailed again. The Director of Admissions emailed, said there was a “glitch” processing our application, and that she’d be out of the country the next week, but would work on it when she returned. Weeks came and went, and nothing. We get our invitation to revisit day, which was last week, on April 4. I’m thinking, okay, maybe they will just meet with us when we go up there. Surely they wouldn’t ask us up for revisit day, after accepting her, if they weren’t going to try to help us as much as they could, right? So we scrape together enough money to make this almost 400 mile trip, pay for lodging for two nights, etc.

Revisit day: We get to campus, everything seems great. Admissions staff barely greeted us, which seemed a little weird, but I thought they just might be busy. I go to the parent q & a, and there’s mention of April 10. I know this is a big date for most boarding schools, when contracts have to be signed and deposits made. Then I’m wondering…why haven’t I gotten anything about this? What is going on? My 9-year old is antsy and bored so we can’t stick around to ask questions, and I didn’t really want to chat with staff with my kid there.

Meanwhile, my daughter, 14, is so in love with this place, and has a great time doing the kid part of the event. We go home, and I finally email the director of admissions, asking if they have been able to work up any kind of financial aid offer for us. She emails me back, telling me they can’t help us and thanking my daughter for her interest, and wishing her good luck with her future. That’s it. Nothing else. I felt like i’d been punched in the stomach. So I email back, asking if that’s it. They can’t offer us anything? There is money in our family that may be accessible with a good attorney, and my ex mother-in-law says she’ll do everything she can to help. I tell the director this, asking her if we can try to work something out. Hours go by and she doesn’t reply. I email again. I ask if my daughter’s spot is still open to her if by some miracle we can scrape money together (I am a single mom, and 95% of my immediate family is dead, so i have literally no close family members to ask for help, but there is money that could POSSIBLY be accessed with a good attorney). I’m thinking, surely they will welcome her if she doesn’t need financial aid, right? A few hours later, the director finally replies. She says “before you go calling any attorneys, we should talk on the phone.” And right then I knew they were attempting to totally ghost my daughter.

The director asked me if I could talk at 12:30 today and I couldn’t even bring myself to reply because I am so upset and angry. My kid has had a really rough couple of years with several deaths in our immediate family, her dad leaving us and our subsequent divorce, and a really rough go with bullying in middle school. She’s much happier now, but was so excited about attending this school in the fall. It felt like it would be the place she had always dreamt of.

I have no idea where to go from here. The school is TINY. Why did they do this to us? I don’t even know how I’m going to tell her. Should I try to talk to someone other than the director of admissions, like the director of the school? I hate being confrontational but I can’t understand what happened here.

Thank you in advance. I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life, and I’m so upset.

2

OP here, I’m too frazzled to figure out how to edit but wanted to say, I’m not upset that they can’t meet our aid needs. I’m upset that they never contacted me before revisit day, and that when they finally told me they had no aid, they did it in such a way that made it seem she was no longer welcome. I emailed back twice asking for clarity on whether or not her spot would be open for her if we got the money, and did not get an answer.

3

I have zero experience with BS but this lack of communication seems very unprofessional and awful. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your daughter.

4

It’s terrible the school did this and I’m sorry! You are better off for your D not attending such environment.

5

Thanks folks. I’m just not sure how to proceed. Do I just…let it go? I’m so disappointed and angry for my daughter.

6

I would still have the conversation with the school and express your frustration and disappointment on how this was handled.

7

I would not borrow the money from other relatives and put her into a situation where you won’t know from year to year if you’ll have the money to continue. You also have 4 years of college to plan for.

We don’t know what they were basing FA on, and it may be your ex husband’s income too.

8

I’m not upset about the financial aid. I’m upset at how it was handled. I guess because the assistant director told me admissions decision was separate from financial aid, but now they seem to be saying her invitation to attend is no longer valid, without even having shared that with us when they said they would. If admission and FA are truly separate, then her space should still be open. I don’t want to send her there anymore, and I’m definitely not asking relatives for money, but that’s beside the point. Sorry, I’m not trying to sound argumentative, I just think it was handled poorly in many ways.

9

I’m so sorry to read about your experience, I agree that the school handled things very poorly. If you are able to bring yourself to call them, I would do so and express your feelings of anger and frustration and demand answers from them.

10

I would tell your daughter the entire story so you guys can at least be “in it together”. The school has acted very unprofessionally and I personally wouldn’t want my daughter in that environment.

My own daughter was accepted Early Decision with a substantial scholarship to her first choice college (Hampshire College) and thought her educational future was set. On January 15, they notified us that they may not even accept a freshman class because they were having financial difficulties and since she had applied ED, she had not applied anywhere else. My daughter was crushed and had to hurriedly submit imperfect applications to other places as quickly as possible. It was a horrible situation and we were faced with her taking a gap year and trying again next year, but she was accepted everywhere else she applied and in one case and with an even bigger scholarship.

Since my daughter is 18, the colleges communicate with her directly, so she received all the emails, letters, etc and with each communication from Hampshire (ie disappointment), she just got angrier and angrier. Ultimately, when they did offer her a place, she no longer wanted anything to do with them and as her mom, I have to agree. As Maya Angelou always said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. That school has shown you who they are. If you share everything with your daughter she will be sad and disappointed at first but will probably come to understand and no longer really want to attend a place that would treat people like that.

The president and board chair of Hampshire have since resigned, so it seems they are at least paying a price. My daughter’s unfortunate experience with Hampshire though has given her added perspective and she has used that experience to better assess her other options. In the end it was definitely a blessing that we found out about the school’s situation when we did and she’s choosing a place that has handled the entire application process in a way that aligns with her values. If you include your daughter in the discussion, she may surprise you and she’ll definitely learn something in the process.

11

If you can document what happened and show that unambiguously the school did not give you indications of what they were ultimately going to do, I would pull that together and share with the head of school. Admissions and FA report to the HOS, and they need to be coordinated, not cruel.

12

I would also write letter to head of school describing the discussion and dates you mention above and how inconvenient and sad it is to have the lack of aid announced after the costly visit.

Twice you mention accessing money with aid of attorney. This discussion may have made you look like a risky proposition to the fin aid staff. Without knowing the details, I imagine that process could take years and the attorney would take a chunk of the proceeds.

13

What a horrible situation. Wishing you and your daughter the best. I hope she comes out of this nasty experience as a stronger person.

I agree with others that writing an email to the head of school is a good idea. At least so you can get this awful experience off your chest.

14

If I understand the chain of events correctly, it sounds as though you haven’t yet spoken with the Director of Admissions, in response to her “before you start calling attorneys, we should talk” statement. I would do that first, just so you have the full story of what the explanation is – for why they aren’t able to offer any FA at all, why they let your daughter go to revisit day apparently knowing there would be no $ available, and whether they are revoking their acceptance letter or what. Then, once you have that information, I would write a letter to the head of school, copying the admissions director.

15

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, @downislandgirl.

Does anyone else here know where to access the list of remaining boarding schools with open slots? Even if this mom has a talk with the school, her DD probably isn’t going there now and maybe there’s other schools she can look at. I don’t know where to find that list but maybe it could help her if someone else knows.

16

I hope you did get to speak with the admissions director. Things are not always as they seem and there may be prevailing complications on the AD’s end which have nothing at all to do with your daughter. Good luck wherever she ends up.

17

The lack of communication is appalling. I do not blame you for being upset. The financial aid director dropped the ball on this. If you have the time, write up what happened and send to the Head of the school, admissions director and board of directors.

18

So sorry that this happened to you and your daughter. I agree with all of the previous posters. You don’t want your daughter there. She will be OK. We don’t always get what we want in life but we can appreciate what we get. When my daughter began exploring the BS process we also had other excellent tuition free options in our community (local magnet school, choice options, etc.) that she was accepted into. It was clearly pointed out to her that in order for her to attend BS, it would have to be financially feasible. Once she received her acceptances, we quickly ruled out those options which would put us in a difficulty financial position. As a result she did not attend her first choice school (as she knew was a possibility). She was offered a full 4 year scholarship by another school on her list which was not her 2nd or 3rd choice either but it was one of my favorites. We did a revisit with her best friend attending and she decided that she wanted to attend this school. She is now a Junior and can not imagine herself anywhere else. It is actually more economical for her to have attended this school than to be at home as her dance classes, voice lesson/instrument lessons, allowance, books, laptop, storage, parents hotel stay for drop off/pick up, gas and more was all included in the scholarship. We are following the same process now that we are in the midst of the college visit process. We will only apply to schools that she is willing to attend. She can rank them in her order of preference but when it comes down to it, money will be a determining factor, not prestige. Though this may result in some disappointment, she will be able to still get her education and possibly remain debt free.