<p>amtc, sorry to disagree.
Why should my kids move to an apartment and pay astronomical prices for rent when our house is centrally located and it’s big enough? </p>
<p>I moved back home after college in the late 70’s. After 3-4 years of that, I moved out and enjoyed dinners at a Happy Hour and cooling off in the library on hot days. I was still in my 20’s and single, but I had saved enough cash that even when i was laid off, I never had to go back.</p>
<p>It’s mildly amusing how we’re living in a decade where the vast majority of private sector jobs certainly don’t pay better than government/public service careers such as military (commissioned officers) and law enforcement especially when you factor in annual income, tax-savings, regional cost of living, and retirement benefits.</p>
<p>This is a situation where the average Joe at age 22 who went to a run-of-the-mill state school may actually do better than the one who was told he was “gifted and talented” in high school and went to a top 30 university because his parents told him “once upon a time if you get an A in this class, your life will be great.”</p>
<p>In my town which is on the commuter line to the city, rents start anywhere between $1,500 and $1,800 per month (Landlords would not permit multiple people in an apartment meant for one or two). You would than need to pay another $200 or $300 for parking each month. Cars are not permitted on the street during the night. It does not make sense to insist that a new graduate with loans to move out especially if they only intend on being at home for short time. I do not consider a year or two to be a terrible thing…he is a nice kid. He is making a good salary but he has loans and grad school to consider. I would love to know that this is a way that I could help because I could not afford to pay his tuition 100%. It is great seeing my son as the adult he has become so this time has been really nice. I don’t know what it will be like when another kid moves back home next year because that will mean I have three at home. My other son will be away in Saudi or some other UE country. We too have a small house and we watched each kid leave year after year (4 kids left in three years) and now they are returning the way they left (in a diff order). The biggest problem with the kids returning home is that they have far more stuff than when they left. When I think about this coming May I just wonder where I am going to store two more kids things. The basement is getting crammed and the attic is only good for clothes storage (not temp controlled). Does anyone have any ideas for where to keep the stuff? Son three will only take the clothes he needs when he leaves for UE. </p>
<p>I think what most parents have trouble with is the adjustment of having their space taken up again. It took us time to get accustomed to them being gone and it takes some time to get accustomed to them being home. The plus side is that my kid who will not be living here is my messy one. When he is home for four or five weeks in the winter I am ready to see him go back to school but the thought of not seeing him while he is living in the UE is making me realize that there will be a time soon enough when all of our kids will only be visiting. </p>
<p>I guess I just don’t see what the big deal is if kids come home for a while.</p>
<p>This is really a cultural phenomenon. A uniquely American one- push kids out, away at 18, independence and all that. I will not care if my kids want to move back- I would be thrilled and have no sense they are stunted in growth or anything else. They are pretty independent as it is so id be shocked if they saw it as positively as i would but who knows.</p>
<p>Likewise, our mother lives with us and she helps us tremendously in many ways. I hope my kids would care for me in my old age too. We just take care of each other. Multiple generations can benefit greatly from living under one roof and it need not reflect an issue of dependency or anything negative at all. Except in America.</p>
<p>Very true, starbright. And it’s a relatively recent phenomenon in America, which is what seems to have been forgotten by some who post about the necessity of this “essential” permanent move-out. Prior to WWII, families mostly lived together, rural and urban, until children married. Even then, some stayed in the family home. Unmarried aunts and uncles, grandparents…all shared living space and the result most often was a supportive environment for all.</p>
<p>When I read from parents who don’t want grown children living at home, I find it sad. Certainly I don’t think everyone HAS to live this way, but the notion that there is something wrong with this living arrangement is misguided. Even more offensive is the accusation of helicoptering applied to any parent who welcomes an independent, productive, beloved grown child back home.</p>
<p>In some of the posts I felt that I heard this underlying safety net attitude from parents. I know how much we want to “save” our children, but are we doing too much so they don’t really grow up? If they need to save money, then shouldn’t they do so by living frugally on their own, instead of living with mom and dad? I really think too many kids expect to be bailed out by mom and dad and I don’t think it is healthy. Welcoming them home for very temporary stays while they are transitioning seems fines, but the long-term arrangements seem enabling like. Are parents having too much trouble letting go? It reminds me of all of the parents in high-school holding their kids hands to make sure everything gets done, because we can’t let “Johnny” fail, ever…</p>
<p>I would have felt like a failure if I had moved back home after graduating college. Our son moved back home after dropping out of college, but was only here until he went off with the Air Force. He worked full-time while home, but his self-esteem was low and didn’t bounce back until he was on his own and, in his words, building a future for himself. (He does plan to go back to college when he figures out what he wants to study, but right now he loves his training in cryptology in preparation for intelligence.) Our daughter is a freshman in college and will be back home this summer taking a few classes. She hopes that this is the last summer she will be home from college for any extended time. And my husband and I, we are loving the empty nest!</p>
<p>Here are three solutions to this problem, when there is no paycheck to cover the rent:</p>
<p>You could live rent free as this woman did for two years</p>
<p>
</a></p>
<p>Or you get vouchers to help pay the rent, like this guy, although the story isn’t about vouchers. It’s actually another sad example of the harassment gays have experienced recently).</p>
<p>
</a></p>
<p>Or you could move back home, drop out of college to “strategize” what to do with your college degree:</p>
<p>
</a></p>
<p>momofsongbird, I love your post. :)</p>
<p>Wow, 85% is a lot higher than I would’ve expected!</p>
<p>Where do boomerang kids entertain dates when they’re living at their parents’ house? (And by “entertain dates” I mean “have sex.”) Personally, I’d feel awkward doing that in my (or my date’s) parents’ house. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the kid had a mother-in-law suite . . .</p>
<p>Starbright and momofsongbird–agree and agree. I fully understand others have different choices, but the judgmentalism of throwing around words like “helicoptering” is puzzling. Our grown son is back to living with us–between the long hours into the evening of his job, and the fact that we are away weekends, I probably see him maybe an hour or two a week, total. Just doesn’t give me enough time to get the blades started, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. He pays rent, covers his own expenses, and is saving for other goals. And he’s a great person to be around, too.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is one of the motivations to move out when it becomes financially possible.</p>
<p>proud_mom - I totally agree with you. And, yes, I love my kids, we have a lot of fun and interesting conversations when they are home. There is nothing like living on your own to experience life, gain self-esteem, and realize you can survive anything forever.</p>
<p>Limabeans, I moved straight to the city from college, never thought of moving back home (as the youngest of 4 I felt my parents did enough for the last 30 years!), and still survived when I was unemployed. I also learned to work “temp” to pay the bills until something else came up. I lived on the UWS before it was gentrified, Plato’s Retreat was down the block, the vest-pocket park written up in tomorrow’s Sunday NYT was formerly known as “Needle Park” (from the movie Panic In). My block was fine, I knew where to go when in my neighborhood, and within 2 years it was the hot place to live in NYC. When it was time to move into my own place instead of sharing, I moved further uptown, again to a “border” neighborhood.</p>
<p>mommathree - if your area is too expensive or restrictive there are plenty of other areas that are not. I agree that it would be foolish for a young single person to move to a family suburban neighborhood.</p>
<p>The fun, excitement, exploration, maturity, etc. that I gained in my 20’s living on my own was irreplaceable and priceless. I dream to go back to those days and I wouldn’t want to deprive my kids of that aspect of development. It’s also a nice reminder that I can live on my own and survive anything by myself should I need to. </p>
<p>This is an interesting thread and corresponds with the “Newsweek: Why Teenagers Grow Up So Slowly Today.”</p>
<p>I agree that in past generations it might have seemed more common for people to stay closer with their parents- but I think it was more dependent on the actual family than with the generation & on expectations and choices.</p>
<p>For example- my H has two uncles who lived at their mothers house- until her death( out of 5 kids)- they reminded me of Keillors’ Norwegian bachelor farmers- only they weren’t farmers. ;)</p>
<p>My grandmother was one of 10 daughters- while some remained in the same region, the three oldest hightailed it out of there as soon as they could and no one lived at home past 18-20.</p>
<p>I moved out when I was 17-almost 18( with roommates), and started dating H who was living at his parents house a year or so after that- ( he was 21) but I couldn’t stand the dynamic of dating a man who lived with his parents, so after we had been dating for a year or so, we moved in together. ( His sisters lived at home until they married)</p>
<p>Starbright and MoSB, I agree that in earlier generations unmarried adults continued to with parents in the family home. One difference, perhaps, is that many of today’s young adults do not contrib to the household. Certainly, some recent grads are working and living at home b/c they do not earn enough to support an independent household. Just as often, however, I hear tales of marginally employed adult children who spend the little money they earn on socializing, while scarfing down parents’ food, utilities, etc. And even among kids who are living on their own, it is quite common for parents to pay for the adult child’s cell phone service (sontinuting the “family plan” from when the kid was in middle school).</p>
<p>I full expect D1 to return home after graduating. But I also expect her to take even a part-time McJob while she looks for meaningful employment. I also expect her to contribute household financially (though I will probably put that money into an account for her - - forced savings) and in terms of labor (chores). But even then, as much as I love her, I hope she will be out and on her own after 10 - 15 months.</p>
<p>amtc. My son graduated in May and had a job immediately. He started to pay off his loans while he was still in school and he will have finished paying them off by Dec or Jan at the latest. He than plans on saving for his grad school expenses because he knows mom and dad could not help him out. We have had four in college and my first three have been the most responsible kids I have ever heard of. I would never think to tell my son that he is missing out on anything when his goal is to be no financial burden to us. I give him alot of credit for making the wise choices that he has instead of thinking about being on his own so he could have undisturbed sex. If he wants to have sex he could get a hotel room for the night and he probably does or he just stays at the girls place. There is too much judgement on what seems right and instead of thinking about what right is the situation should be looked at as having lots of variables.</p>
<p>There is too much judgement on what seems right and instead of thinking about what right is the situation should be looked at as having lots of variables.</p>
<p>The judgement ( IMO) seems to be from people who are perhaps * defensive* about their families choices for some reason- although I do admit " helicoptering" is a negative term which seems to be thrown around a lot nowadays by journalists- but not many of the posters on this thread are using it.</p>
<p>^Could it be that the term isn’t being used because most of the parents on this forum have helicoptered?</p>
<p>Half the thread is saying…everyone has a different view, and that’s okay. The other half is saying, no, it’s not not not okay–our way is the only right way. That IS judgmentalism.</p>
<p>atmc: I lived at home for those first years out of school and commuted into nyc until finally, at age 25, I moved to nyc’s upper west side. Probably that same block you described. No regrets.</p>
<p>Here’s another major reason why so many more kids live at home today: 1 in 110 kids today are diagnosed to be on the autism spectrum. Our oldest has Asperger’s. He is so not ready to move out. He still needs reminders to comb his hair and shave, but aside from those personal hygiene details, he needs to feel safe. He isn’t a good judge of character and that has gotten him into all sorts of trouble with bullies who have stolen money right out of his pocket and his cell phone when he was asked to use it for a local call. Right now, looking for a full time job is hard enough, but he isn’t ready to handle doing that without his parent’s support which is primarily emotional, not financial.</p>
<p>And garland, if you think everyone is being judgmental on this thread, imagine the whispers I’ve had to deal with with a kid who has Asperger’s. I stopped caring years ago, but it still hurts.</p>
<p>So much of this discussion really depends on where you live and what your children are doing when they graduate. My oldest finished graduate school in May and is able to pay her rent and most but not all her expenses-working in her field as an adjunct instructor and at another cultural institution in Philly-two jobs-no benefits, no health insurance-but we can cover her with open season with the new Obama healthcare plan. My younger d, is an aspiring actress and singer-finishing up an internship in theatre by end of this calendar year. Lived at home for three months-while working as an intern and doing an acting internship-we live commuting distance to NYC but the cost of commuting and the time spent and the late nights-it was better for us all to help her with rent closer in to the city where she lives with two roommates in what used to be known as a tenement railroad flat, in yet another soon to be up and coming neighborhood, but no expensive railroad commute and maybe easier to get part-time jobs and deal with late night rehearsals. We had to Cobra her health insurance, will be continued to be covered under our plan with the new Obama coverage with open season for January 1. I lived at home when I graduated college for a year while saving money but so did everyone else-what I paid for my share of an apartment with friends in a good neighborhood in NYC is such ancient history compared with the reality of real estate now. We have family cell phone plans, older daughter does have our oldest car and we cover all car related expenses. The car is needed-she lives in another city-sometimes not good public transportation getting from one place to the other, one job involves late nights- also no supermarkets in her up and coming neighborhood-just bodegas-need to drive a bit out for more inexpensive and healthier shopping except for the farmer’s markets during the summer.
All I can say is that it is not easy-there is not one right way or wrong way-neither of our kids had loans, worked during the summers and during the school year if they could except for career-related internships that paid minimally if at all-so not much savings to start with-that money went for living and sometimes travel.</p>