<p>^ and^^ That is the whole point… everyone does what seems right. There is no rule that says kids have to leave home because they receive a college degree. I would rather help now and see my kids in good shape so when they do leave they are able to leave for good. I grew up with parents that watched me leave and never offered any financial help because I had a degree. I remember using change from one of those big water bottles to eat…that won’t be any of my kids. They will all go when they want to not because they feel this is not their home anymore. This will always be their home until they have spouses and children. Than their place is with their families.</p>
<p>imagine the whispers I’ve had to deal with with a kid who has Asperger’s.::</p>
<p>They don’t whisper so much around here- pretty much they speak right up.
:rolleyes:
- everybody* thinks they are qualified to give advice</p>
<p>Ain’t that the truth…</p>
<p>Yeah, but my kid is 23 years old. No one knew anything about Asperger’s when he was little. The DSM IV didn’t even identify the disability until 1995 and he was already eight years old. One time a mom told my middle son that his older brother was “■■■■■■■■” (IQ: 128) and that’s why she wouldn’t let her son play with them. (Imagine being asked by your DS2: “Mom, is DS1 ■■■■■■■■? Billy’s mom told me he was.”) And this other mother was a school nurse.</p>
<p>Limabeans, I’m embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t even considered the reason you bring up. I was focused pretty much on other reasons adult kids might want/need to live at home, and why many parents would be glad to have them.</p>
<p>Your situation is different, and there must be many, many grown kids out there with developmental and other kinds of delays/challenges that make them not ready to live out on their own at the magic age of 22 (or whatever).</p>
<p>I admire your approach to helping your son and feel very sad that the world’s seemingly incessant need to “whisper” about those they perceive as different has caused you pain. It would me, too. I wish you and your son all the best.</p>
<p>No one knew anything about Asperger’s when he was little.</p>
<p>What’s really sad, is some of the physicians at the Center on Human Development and Disability at the UW in Seattle, when asked about D’s tactile dysfunction ( high pain/low touch tolerance- she was tearing strips of skin off her feet when she was 4, but she would go through the ceiling if you put your hand on her shoulder), didn’t know what I was talking about.</p>
<p>There is no good reason for any adult to live with his parents after he hits 18 or grad high school. My parents have 3 boys. Upon grad from high school all of us joined the military by going to West Point. I left home 8 years ago and go home for christmas if I am not in Iraq or Afghanistan. My parents had the same expectation from their parents, you turn 18, get out of the house and find your own way. If a kid ends up staying at home after high school or college, it is their own fault. They did not properly plan to support themselves.</p>
<p>“There is no good reason for any adult to live with his parents after he hits 18 or grad high school.”</p>
<p>boy have you got a lot to learn about life.</p>
<p>Goodness! D1 graduated in May, got a job, never came home. Would have loved if she could have come home for a while. She is a great person! You have to do whatever works…no judgements! It is a tough world out there for those that have loans or need to move back home!</p>
<p>I think the key, which some others have also mentioned, is not where you live per se, but the degree of dependency. You can live under the same roof but all be adults, without one ‘taking care of’ the other or maybe only ‘taking care’ when its been required (due to health, financial situation, adult child going through painful divorce and so on). In lots of families, you are just there for each other when its really needed. </p>
<p>I think we might actually all be in more agreement but why we seem to disagree is what we are picturing when we imagine kids moving back home. There is the healthy version of adults living under the same roof, each contributing to the household with effort and resources with separate and shared lives, but one not ‘parenting’ the other or one ‘mooching’ off the other; and then there is the scary other extreme… you know, the 40 year old unemployed man living in his mom’s basement playing XBox year after year. </p>
<p>I just absolutely do not think my kids would somehow be stunted in growth or development if they came back to live in our house. Nor that there will be some kind of slippery slope. I did it with my folks, my siblings did, we are all very successful, well off people now with happy marriages and kids. </p>
<p>Siblings and parents in my family and my husbands have leaned on each other during difficult times in all kinds of ways- my mom lives with us, my brother used to live with my parents when my father was dying, we’ve given my MIL money for a house purchase, and so on. There is tremendous positive psychological value - and not a downside- in knowing your family will always be there for you if you really needed it. Just what we think families do for one another. I don’t see any one who hasn’t matured or been a true independent adult because of how we are in our family. If anything, that sense of security has provided a lot of confidence and sense of well-being. </p>
<p>Though if one enjoys their empty nest and doesn’t want the birds to return, I think that is fine too. Entirely different reason but makes sense for some.</p>
<p>Well there’s a huge TV-Home Cinema system occupying what was D’s room.
Next is S’s room, it’s going to be knocked through to make way for a full size snooker table and bar…</p>
<p>Whatever their Plan B is…it aint here anymore!</p>
<p>This statistic sounds rather high–
however I can only go by looking at my neighbors kids–who went to highly selective/most selective schools and all greaduated with jobs…3 of 3 in one family and none moved home.
Another family 1 is in grad school.
Another family I am familiar with–of the 3, they all went to nice mid range/selective schools and all finished with jobs or accpetance to grad schools due to their professional aspirations.</p>
<p>So of everyone I know with kids who finished college–none of seven have moved home.</p>
<p>Small sampling and yes, all go -getter kids- with parents who would absolutely expect their kids to succeed, get jobs and move out ;o)</p>
<p>Lacontra…We did’nt move back home but maybe because our parents were not like we are. (look at other thread) lol</p>
<p>foghorn…I think it has to do with long term goals of specific new young grads. In my neighborhood it is pretty common to see the kids move back. They have jobs save money and buy something. They will probably we far ahead of our generation in terms of wealth accumulation…if they learned anything from this economy.</p>
<p>I’ll be checking their bags at the door…more than weeks clothes and I won’t be letting them in at all.</p>
<p>^Tell it to us when they come knocking on the door.</p>
<p>Kids don’t want to show up on our doorstep any more than we will want to show up on THEIR doorstep when the time comes…but sometimes you can’t always get what you want (cue music).</p>
<p>I agree that returning to your parents’ home (or your high school bedroom) probably isn’t the recent grad’s first choice. And if D1 wants to stay at home for a few months until she has enought $$ for independent housekeeping - - no problem. Likewise, happy to have her if she wants to live at home and work for a year before attending grad school (or live at home while attending grad school). But there does come a time when one has to attempt independent living; and part of growing up is accepting that the independent life/household often entails living without some of the amenities of your parents’ home - - or forgoing “fantasy” jobs for something a bit more mundane and practical.</p>
<p>NYC…What is a “fantasy” job?</p>
<p>momma-three.</p>
<p>You know when I moved out of home my father said to me (as a teenaged, know it all)
‘you won’t cut it, you’ll be back in 6 months’.
I took it onboard to prove the old bugger wrong…
In that first year there was a few times when the easiest option would have been to head home.
but instead I occassionally slept on a friends sofa,
a few nights in my old car even…
Finally landed a part time job at the marina which paid almost nothing but gave me use of a cabin on a old sailboat as back-up accomodation.</p>
<p>Spent a lot of time with my folks since those days…close family, love 'em to bits…</p>
<p>Never did spend another night under his roof though…bit stubborn that way.</p>
<p>I’d prefer my kids toughed it out rather than taking the easy option first.
Not much helicoptering in my profile though.</p>
<p>This is such a cultural thing, too. For some reason we as Americans hold fondly to the “go to college - get a job - move out immediately” trope. When I was still in college I was conversing with a friend from the Caribbean and she asked me why American kids were so intent on moving out after college. In her culture, new college grads usually moved back in with their parents, paid off loans, and saved up money so that they could buy a place of their own. Their parents set up a little independent space for them - whether it was a basement, a wing, whatever. It wasn’t a stressful arrangement; it was viewed as many adults sharing the same space who were related.</p>
<p>Even here in my circles a lot of college grads (and students) live at home. Living at home and attending a local college is a whole lot cheaper than living on campus, and when you’re scraping together just to afford tuition in the first place, the dorms are just not a reality. Then a lot of them live at home until they can afford a decent place on their own. My mom wanted me to be independent, but she also didn’t want me living somewhere crappy.</p>
<p>I guess maybe I’m a “boomerang?” I lived at home for 3 months between undergrad and grad school. As many pointed out it didn’t make sense for me to find an apartment and pay rent in Atlanta only to give it up to move to New York for grad school. I do live independently now, though.</p>