<p>emilybee - What you are describing (with detention for work not turned it) may work wonders for a student that needs a kick start, however for a student with executive function, LD, or any aspie trait thrown in for good measure, this may not be a good approach. Not turning work in or being organized is not a matter of being lazy for many of these students.
I am glad that you found what seems to be an excellent fit for your son where he has excelled academically.</p>
<p>I think one the interesting patterns in this thread is that for most of the boys mentioned, they don’t just magically “pull it together”. Their habits change because they are incentivized to change or because they have environtmental changes (IEP adjustments, new schools, etc). Maybe try to identify what it is that is the major obstacle for your son. Do you need to re-examine his IEP or in school services, does he just lack motivation and need some kind of incentive system. I don’t think he’s going to “pull it together” all the sudden, but if something isn’t working with his leaerning, changes can be made.</p>
<p>DS has Aspergers and Central Auditory Disorder, and related executive functioning issues. He graduated “honors” from public elementary school, with some daily IEP-defined services, but school was a struggle. Now he’s in catholic college prep w/o services and doing significantly better re: executive functioning issues. HS’ school discipline has worked wonders - because students’ behavior and academic performance are held to a much higher standard, which allows him a calmer and more supportive environment. He’s a A+ to B- student depending on subject, B average. Now we’re trying to impress value of B+ average for better college selection.</p>
<p>We closely control internet and video game access. Gaming is closed for school term; internet is password protected and monitored when turned-on. No Facebook or text-messaging, neither which he wants anyways. ECs encouraged, but not time-sucking sports teams. He likes school, and he likes regiment he’s experiencing.</p>
<p>Detention was excellent incentive for DS to conform to HS’ dress code: “boys’ shirts tucked in”. Several detentions, and DS was tucked-in — his upscale elementary school’s standard boys’ wardrobe was t-shirt and jeans, so it’s a big step in decorum.</p>
<p>BlueIguana – wow – so many great ideas – really targeted to who he is – the “carrots” are based on what he likes to do – it’s like a respectful way to do behavior modification and I bet it would work. I just have to figure out how to implement since I work full time and D is not willing to let H help. But where there’s a will, there’s a way.</p>
<p>He has a 504 plan (which some teachers refer to as an IEP but I believe they are 2 different things). I’m meeting with the resource room teacher (with my son) on Nov 29, so I will ask if we can get some kind of regular feedback going. And I will ask him what he wants the rewards to be – great idea.</p>
<p>Emilybee – you make a lot of good points. We pulled our hair out during middle school. We, too, live in a highly rated school district (with obscene property taxes) so if we pulled him, we’d have to move to afford it. I am still considering having him repeat 9th elsewhere and giving him another chance at a good solid 4 years worth of school. It sounds like your S really benefited from your choice.</p>
<p>I think a great book on this topic is “That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life” by Ana Homayoun.</p>
<p>^higgins2013 - So I understand, you are sharing that in your son’s case the discipline of a private school was helpful because the standards kept the class as a whole in line, making the atmosphere much more conducive to learning. Is that right? That is an excellent point to consider, and one to look for if distraction is a major concern.
One size does not fit all…
I will say with all of the support and adjustments, maturity in it’s own right was an amazing thing. My son was worlds away at 15 from where he was at 17. Now at 19 I hardly recognize the 15yo he was. I can not separate nature from nurture, however some things do take time. I did want to mention that we found having a part time job was an amazing help. Where we thought it might be a distraction, it was a great experience for our son to have a success outside the classroom. He grew in his communication skills, is well liked, and has kept the job while attending community college. Looking back, it is one of the best things he did towards finding some autonomy and maturity.</p>
<p>Very common, in my opinion. Many intelligent boys go through a rebellious phase from 13-16…some earlier, some later. I didn’t start getting my act together until junior year.</p>
<p>Higgins, there are quite a few kids like your son at my kids school and they have had the same results. </p>
<p>I think my son didn’t turn a homework assignment in once the first week, got detention, and that was the end of that. </p>
<p>The interesting thing I found was the kids have more freedom in his school. None of the nonsense about what kind of notebook, folder, and all that other BS there was in the public school. Just keeping track and remembering which color folder and notebook went with which class and getting them to come home in middle school was disastrous for a kid like mine who would have forgotten his head if it wasn’t attached. And why they think a system like that for boys (half of whom are color blind!) would work in beyond me. </p>
<p>What works for one adult in the office, for example, doesn’t work for another. Some need their desks neat and tidy with nothing out of place and others thrive with chaos. Why they expect every kid to be organized the same way is ridiculous, imo. My son would have been much better off if he had one 5 subject notebook and could write all his assignments down in that. Instead, it was notebooks, folders, binders and the agenda - another notebook to remember to bring to class, take out, write in it and bring home. </p>
<p>Class, I hope you find a good solution you your son. You might want to look into other schools - they usually all give scholarships and at my son’s school part of it is based on their score on the entrance exam. </p>
<p>I use to be a big believer in the public school system and I still vote yes every year on the budget (I now pay about $7K/yr in school taxes alone) but honestly I think since NCLB it’s all gone terribly wrong.</p>
<p>I know this is the parents thread, but to be honest, I quickly pulled it together. In middle school I screwed around, hung out with the wrong crowd, and basically was happy with no C’s. I then realized, what the hell am I doing with my life? If you really want to whip your kid into shape, drive him into the slums. Tell him “is this what you want with your life?”. I also believe one of the reasons I changed was due to who I’m surrounded with. At one point I could have cared less about college. Once your kid realizes that his college career (and possibly life career) is on the line, I’m sure his antics will change rather quickly. </p>
<p>I have to say though, I strive to get straight A’s because I want to go to UVA, but the ol’e get straight A’s = get a want definitely gave me a jump start ;). </p>
<p>GL with your kids - as I look back at how I acted in 8th/9th your going to need it.</p>
<p>Mom of three boys who were all different in terms of what motivated them and their performance during high school. I’ve been fairly relaxed as I was an adult when my much younger male sib went through high school. Brilliant, brilliant guy who had As, Bs, Cs and one D. I’m one of those “grades aren’t everything-- it’s the whole package type person”…definitely more laid back than most of the CC parents.</p>
<p>^^Because your are a student, I’m going to give you a bye on the suggestion to see how those less fortunate live as a way to ‘whip your kid into shape’. You will understand when you get older that where people live, and the manner in which they live, does not always equate to their value, humanity, or how hard working they are. Some of the laziest people I know, with no moral compass whatsoever, live in the best of zipcodes.
I’m glad you saw the value in surrounding yourself with people whose values you wish to emulate. It’s a good life lesson.</p>
<p>Yea true Iguana I guess that technique will only work coming from a certain backround.</p>
<p>Momofthreeboys, </p>
<p>I don’t think this is about grades - at least not for me. If my kid worked hard and got C’s that would be fine. Not every kid is an A student. It’s the not doing the work and things like getting a zero because they didn’t hand in their homework (even when they did it!) </p>
<p>After years of asking why they didn’t do the homework, turn it in, study for the test, bring the book home and getting the same answer, “I don’t know” it can drive even the most laid back mom insane. </p>
<p>I didn’t want my kid to limit his options.If he told me now he wanted to become a plumber instead of a lawyer that would be fine. But I didn’t want him to not have that choice.</p>
<p>UVAorBust, you have missed the point. It doesn’t matter what background you are from, or not from. Self motivated, hard working, ethical people can be found in any zipcode. You can not systematically negate entire demographics.
As emilybee points out, the motivation is about choices, not where you will end up (or not end up). Students are very different, however parents universally want their students to have as many choices, options, and doors open as possible.</p>
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<p>Sure most all parents feel that way, but the bottom line is college is something the kids have to want at that point in time. Some kids don’t get there until twenty or older. The kids have to discover their own motivation. “Being” their motivation can only go so far.</p>
<p>That may be true MO3B but there was no way DH and I were just going to sit back and let our kid sink. What we would have done if changing schools hadn’t work I’m not quite sure but having the consequences coming from his teachers and the school instead of us would have made our home less of a battleground at the very least. </p>
<p>It’s surprising though that in such a down economy this year my son’s school had their largest entering Freshman class in a long time. I think a lot of people are seeing even the top public schools failing the average kid and the ones who struggle a bit-they are not sending their kids there so they have a better chance of getting into an Ivy league school but instead so they don’t get merely pushed along with the rest of the vast middle.</p>
<p>My kids did, indeed, “get it together” by 10th grade. I attribute that to his circle of friends and an amazing teacher. </p>
<p>All the kids who were in this class, AP Euro, truly bonded and learned what it took to succeed. It was the first time I noticed my son was making arrangements for study groups, not just arrangements to go to the movies. In our HS, kids can’t take AP classes until their junior year, except Euro. All the “smart kids” were in this class and this set them apart. They continued being in many of the same classes from then on.</p>
<p>I thought my worries over these issues ended when my lovely daughter graduated from college early, got a fantastic job with the State Department in the diplomatic corps…then reality hit with my stepson (who lives with his mother) and WOW.</p>
<p>He did great up until 6th grade, then all hoey broke loose - he’s such a bright kid, no trouble at all - but just didn’t do homework, missed loads of school, never made up work, and now in 9th grade he failed 3 classes. We got his final report card from the school (had to request it) but knew ahead of time it would be bad as we keep abreast of his grades throughout the year. What we didn’t know until court this week was that he actually failed the 9th grade. </p>
<p>So, now we are going to have to pick up the pieces (we are going for custody again) and try and get him back on track to graduate - but lord his GPA is heartbreaking.</p>
<p>So I guess we are in the waiting group. Until I can get him under my roof and get an action plan in place.</p>
<p>Pea,</p>
<p>My kids’ situation is exactly the same as yours. My 10th grade son surprised us with a 4.3 GPA and playing competitive sports both at school and outside.</p>
<p>I am praying that he can keep it up and no girls will come to distract him…</p>