I’ll try to keep this short. My 6th grade son has demonstrated that he is capable of doing very well in school. He scored well on the FSAs and had all As and Bs last year, so they placed him in advanced classes this year. He’s lost all motivation to do anything. He won’t complete his work in class and had a D, 2 Cs and a B on his last report card. His current grades in Focus are 3 Fs and a B. I’ve had conferences with his teachers and talked to him. He won’t tell me what is going on. He claims he’s fine, but he’s making me nuts. He was invited to apply for a pre-aice program at one of our district’s junior high schools, but with his current grades, there is no way that he’ll be accepted. Plus they require an essay that I doubt he’ll write and teacher recommendations. He was on track to take algebra 1 in 7th grade, but that’s out of the question now, because he’ll probably end up with a C in math. I have talked to him over and over and he claims nothing is wrong. His teachers say his issue is simply that he turns in incomplete work or doesn’t follow directions. The only class he’s doing well in is his science class, and I believe that is only because it is taught by his gifted teacher. This is his 4th year with her and the class is much smaller, so she can spend a lot of time monitoring him and keeping him on track, plus he loves her and is willing to put a little more into his work for her. I don’t know what to do with him. All I can see is the domino effect this is going to lead to. He won’t be in advanced classes next year, which means no honors classes in high school, and he won’t be able to get into UF for engineering like he wants. Any ideas for motivation?
Anything different at home? How are his friends doing in school? Bullying? Did he just start middle school?
Did he get put in different classes than his friends? Maybe his gifted teacher can talk to him.
If you are sure there are no underlying causes (vision problem, thyroid, learning issues, executive function disorder, hearing) then this is garden variety 6th grade boy.
What does he do in his spare time? What is he interested in? Has his friend-group shifted this year? Weird changes in eating habits/weight/sleeping? Does he do his chores at home?
Start there. Stop catastrophizing (he’s in 6th grade, worrying about UF and engineering is WAY premature and not helping him). I’m happy to share some tips, but first you need to make sure there’s nothing going on with him physically or cognitively or psychologically.
6th grade boys and motivation…been there, done that. Ours is successfully launched in a demanding career which he loves, is about the hardest working adult you can imagine. The key is finding what your son loves. Doing well in a science class with a great teacher means you’ve got at least one clue of how to motivate him, no???
There is something seriously wrong based on his dramatic change in behavior. You need to get him to open up to someone. Consider a child psychologist / therapist.
P.S. He is doing well in science which is a much smaller class. Could be that a bully is in his other larger classes ???
I would have a health and mental health assessment for sure. And then a neuropsych assessment to follow if the first 2 were clean. What I learned from that would determine the path I took. I do think lots of kids just go a bit brain dead in middle school while they’re growing. Do you have the ability to switch up his schooling? Either look at other school situations, consider online schooling or homeschooling for a period of time? I do think it can be hard to keep gifted kids engaged. And I also think when gifted kids are pushed through a turnstile of busy work and aren’t allow to have some time for interest based learning and discovery, sometimes they burn out and push back.
I agree that this is not a catastrophe. I have a high stat high achieving senior son that was pretty much a train wreck between the ages of 12 and 14. He was homeschooling those years which was really good for him. We did slow down those years. Executive function has been slower to develop with him as well. But he has applications out at many great colleges and is excited to move on to one of them next year. He has maintained a 4.0 dual enrolling for 2 years and has a 99% ACT score. I would not encourage any kid to get too attached to any one college, program, or major. My son’s interests and potential major has changed several times since middle school. And if it changes after he goes to college that’s ok too. I’m not saying don’t support his interests if he runs with it. Absolutely DO that. Just don’t become more invested in a path for him than he is. Allow him many opportunities to explore and reinvent himself.
He does have ADHD. He has a 504 for it and is on meds. I asked if he is getting his accommodations and he says he is. His med dosage hasn’t changed in several years, but his psychiatrist wanted to give him a chance to make improvements on his own before she ups the dosage. He claims to be popular at school and not get bullied. His teachers and others at the school back that up. The guidance councilor said everyone loves him. His friends have been the same. He loves to play outside with the kids down the street and wants to go over there every day after school. He likes videogames and youtube, typical 12 year old boy stuff. The only real change I’ve noticed is puberty starting. He also mentioned at the beginning of the year that the advanced classes were a lot harder than his classes last year, but at the conference yesterday he insisted that he liked being in advanced class and wanted to do well. Honestly his only real change has been in his grades at school. It could be that he didn’t need to put forth much effort in previous grades and suddenly he does and it’s stressing him out. I did get very excited and told him how proud I was when he got into advanced classes. I was a lot like him in that I was capable, but didn’t care to try, and I can’t tell you what would have motivated me. I was dealing with being bullied though, and I have no reason to believe that he is. My parents never got involved with my school stuff. I was expected to handle it all myself. They would just ground me when I brought home a report card with Fs on it. They never checked if I had homework or talked to my teachers. I was diagnosed with ADHD in college. I don’t want to sit back and let him fail, but I don’t know how to motivate him to try harder.
I could have written your post, years ago. Listen to your gut. Don’t do what I did – which was to listen to the teachers. Have your child tested, even if it means you do it privately at a cost of a few thousand dollars. I didn’t have my son tested until AFTER a terrible four year stint in high school followed by a nervous breakdown as a freshman in college. It was only then that we had him tested. Turns out, despite testing as “profoundly gifted” (IQ range above 145) he also had ADHD, anxiety, depression and an executive function disorder. ALL of this would have been treatable had I listened to MY GUT and not to his teachers/counselor. So instead of starting treatment in middle school, my son started getting treatment when he was 19. So many years lost!! It’s my biggest regret as a parent. BTW, even if testing reveals there is nothing “wrong” with your boy (which is good news, and I hope that’s the case, OP!) you will have the satisfaction that you as a parent did all you could at a time he was struggling. And that’s money well spent. Don’t deny yourself of him that certainty.
Thanks for the advice so far. It sounds like I’m doing just about everything I can at this point. I don’t have any way of checking to see if his work is completed since it is mostly classwork, and his teachers seem to be of the opinion that it is time for me to let him take responsibility now. I agree, but I’d at least like to monitor how he is doing before the grade is posted, ya know? I will stop panicking that this means he can’t possibly ever go to college lol. I’m just not all that familiar with things like honors classes, AP, and DE. I think I will shift my focus to teaching him some organizational skills so that he can keep track of his own work and remember to bring things home that need to be finished etc. The junior high he is going to for 7th and 8th (6th is still elementary here) has gifted classes for all core subject along with general ed and advanced. He will automatically be placed in those. Maybe high school just seems too far off for him to worry about now.
Some of it may be that he didn’t realize at the begining of the year that he would have to work harder and that he THOUGHT he knew the material, but his knowledge was too superficial to do well on the tests. As a bright kid, he may not have learned to study or practice since it all came so easily. He then got a bit lost as the materila moved on and he didn’t know how to fix it. Not to spend your money, but I would get him a tutor ASAP for the classe he is most interested in (e.g. math). The tutor should be able to catch him up and if he then understands the material, and HOW to study, he should do better which would reinforce the harder work needed to achieve.
I would also get a check on his meds. If he takes a slow release, it may have worn off by the time he has to do homework. He may need a booster of short-acting meds to get through that. Accomodations like more time often don’t help if the kid can’t ocncentrate. The pressure of having to finish can sometimes help (my ADD kid did better on high stakes tests than the regular class tests and much better than on homework or other work that required self motiviation).
This is frustrating, but hopefully together you can figure this out.
Good luck. My 6th grade son was not doing work and had googled “do middle school grades matter” and found an answer that seem to satisfy him. He did become more ambitious later. True he didn’t end up as accelerated in math as he could have been due to this lazy period but he still ends up in calc by 12 th grade.
I’d be reaching out to the science teacher he likes ASAP and scheduling a meeting.
Just fact-finding for now- what works? What doesn’t work? Get inside your son’s head.
Does he read for pleasure? Enjoy watching or following sports?
But most important- you need to shift your thinking. This isn’t about getting your son into college and getting him into a career as an engineer. This is about helping your son not hate school for the next 6 years, AND create a balanced adult life for himself which includes interests, things he’s passionate about, and hopefully a way to earn a living which he enjoys (most days).
I have a relative who wanted to be a doctor for his entire childhood and through undergrad. He is now a HS science teacher and is one of the happiest adults I know- and one of those teachers whose students IDOLIZE him. He says he left the medical track with zero regrets and is just grateful he had parents who said “you don’t want to apply to med school- fine. Just figure out something you can love just as much as you claimed to love medicine”.
Which he did (eventually).
Hugs. But get that meeting with the science teacher who seems to understand the secret sauce!
Sometimes gifted students deliberately fail by not “caring”. It’s a strange phenomenon where they feel it is better not to try because if they try and fail then they are a failure, but if they just “don’t care” to do the work then that is not failure. The work may be getting more difficult for him to manage because of the underlying issues that you mentioned, and this may be the way he is coping. I would try to get to the bottom of this. Take a deep breath and be so happy this happened in 6th grade because you have so much time to course correct and help your son find the right balance.
I think this is the issue. When he first found out he was in advanced class, he said he didn’t want to be seen as a nerd. he got over that though when he realized that all his gifted friends were in classes with him. He thought he’d have no friends. I mentioned a tutor and he got upset and said he wasn’t stupid and didn’t need one. I looked into getting him a mentor through Take Stock in Children, but I think I make too much money for that.
What if you didn’t get him a tutor- what if he got to hang out with his favorite science teacher one afternoon a week in your kitchen going over math concepts and discussing the books he’s reading for English and reviewing discussion topics for social studies? (you’d pay the teacher, of course).
You need to start with his strengths, not try to compensate for his weaknesses. Of course he doesn’t want a tutor.
I was able to talk with his science teacher at the conference yesterday. She says that she tries to get him to take breaks and gives all of the kids a lot of freedom in her class to take a walk if they need to. She says that she is able to pay a lot of attention to him with fewer kids in the class and that is enough to get him to turn in acceptable work. She says it’s still not work he is capable of, but it’s completed. I’m trying to avoid punishment as that did not work for me at all. He completed a history assignment that was missing and said he brought home the work he needed to finish from math class. I’m trying to think of a way to reward him for bringing his grades up. He knows that if he fails a class he will have to go to summer school.
1-punishments don’t work with this type of kid (In my experience).
2- Telling him to try harder or be organized doesn’t work with this type of kid (again, my experience).
3-Summer school- if what your son is craving is more challenges and more interesting work, then having him sit through the slow version of what he hated during the year seems counter productive to me.
4- What is he interested in? That’s the key. Simpson’s trivia? Sports statistics/fantasy baseball/moneyball? Stock market? Politics? Agricultural policy? Insects and evolution? Civil War tombstones? Comic books? Learning to dive? Classic cars? Restoring a 1960’s mustang???
Again, focusing on “bringing up his grades” seems misguided to me. If he doesn’t care about his grades, why should he care about bringing them up?
I see your point about not focusing on bringing up his grades, but he has to at least bring them up enough to pass or he won’t be promoted to 7th grade. He’s interested in fast cars, Fortnite, sneakers (specifically Jordans), Minecraft, youtube videos, running, basketball, doing flips on the trampoline, and theme parks. I’ll try not to harp on him about the grades too much, but I can’t have him repeating 6th grade, which is why I told him he would have to make it up in summer school.