Brain Freeze. Grade my essay. I'll grade back!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>probably the worst essay I have ever written. I had a major brain freeze with a lot of distractions from my cat. :(</p>

<p>Link your essay below. :)</p>

<p>Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? </p>

<p>It is imperative for the public to challenge certain ideas and decisions made by people of authority. History abounds with examples of dictators who rule unjustly. In America, groups of people rose up to question the segregations made by the government. Several examples of how important it is to question the ideas and decisions of people in power are shown in historical events.</p>

<p>During the 1700s, the French people stood up to their beliefs and started revolting. During this time, King Louis XVI and his wife Marie Antoinette lived with extremely wasteful spending habits. As a result of this, he was constantly in debt and demanded higher taxes from the populous. After a few years of high taxation without representation, the French citizens started the French Revolution, a time of corruption, killings, and death. When the entire fiasco ended, the French people got what they revolted for, a more just government. Without fighting and questioning the actions of political figures, Frenchmen would be doomed with starvation. </p>

<p>Another example of a corrupted government actions would be during the Civil Rights movement in America. During this time period, governments were passing laws known as Jim Crows which forced segregated colored from white facilities. Although their rule was "separated, but equal", usually the fountains, toilettes, and other utilities for the blacks were shabby and decrepit. As a result, activists like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr stood up for their rights are questioned authority. Parks continued to sit where she was sitting and King spoke his famous speech. As a result of the movement, governments changed laws for a true, democratic country where all people are created equal. Thus, questioning authority can influence change of laws and ideas for the better.</p>

<p>Indeed after an analysis of the French Revolution and the Civil Rights movement, it is absolutely important for people to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. French people now live in a hunger-less society. America doesn't segregate by color or race. As demonstrated by historical events, questioning authority equals better life.</p>

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<p>Com’on guys!!</p>

3

<p>PLEASEEEEE. Anyone?</p>

4

<p>In the first body paragraph you mentioned that the French revolution resulted in a lot of corruption and killing, but the point you were trying to make was that the French revolution improved life, so I would leave that sentence out.</p>

<p>In the conclusion you say that France is now a “hunger-less society.” Surely there are people who still starve there, so you should specifically refer to the impact of the revolution instead. Also, your last sentence that questioning authority equals better life is a bit too simplistic. I would say something more along the lines that when there is a just cause, questioning authority can yield positive change.</p>

<p>I’m in college, so I don’t need an essay graded (Took the SAT two years ago).</p>

5

<p>I’m sorry if I sound harsh but I have strong opinions. I understand that you had a brain freeze, but I think you’d rather have me be honest with you than pretend that your essay is a 12.</p>

<p>** Intro: **</p>

<p>Your intro is a little bit scattered. Your first two sentences are fine, but after that I get confused. In your third sentence, you state, what seems to be, your second example. Then in your fourth sentence you state your thesis. I’m not really sure.</p>

<p>** 1st Body Paragraph: **</p>

<p>Sigh, the French Revolution.</p>

<p>Tangent: Why does everyone want to use the French Revolution in order to argue for challenging authority? It is one of the worst examples to use as the challenge was almost completely unsuccessful. The French made a complete circle in the political field and the revolution had no social or economic benefit. If you want to use this example, you have to justify why challenging authority is important. In your case, you say that the people got what they wanted. First of all, this is hardly in depth as you don’t specify which people wanted change (Robespierre and the Jacobins), but you also said that the revolution gave the people “what they revolted for,” which is historically inaccurate. The revolution created the Reign of Terror, which was not exactly a peaceful result.</p>

<p>tl;dr
Don’t use the French Revolution. You clearly don’t have a good enough understanding of it to use it.</p>

<p>** 2nd Body Paragraph: **</p>

<p>Okay, your Civil Rights example, again, is underdeveloped. You have the right idea, but instead pick Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King Jr., not both. You didn’t go into enough detail for either one. All you said for MLK is that he “gave his famous speech.” Anyone not familiar with these events has no clue how these examples support that challenging authority is justifiable. Although you say that these events made “everyone equal,” you should be more specific. How did MLK’s speech challenge authority? That is something that you should be able to explain in your commentary.</p>

<p>I guess in your example that you are referring to the civil rights movement in general, but I think that that is too broad of a topic to cover all of its aspects in a short paragraph. That is why you should cover one specific (like the Rosa Parks incident) rather than one general topic.</p>

<p>** Conclusion: **</p>

<p>The “indeed” to me at the beginning seems kind of awkward. I’m sure you got it from AcademicHacker, but I can’t say if it should be omitted or not. According to him, it’s the closest thing to a silver bullet that you’ll find on the SAT essay, but I don’t know how trustworthy that is since I haven’t used it.</p>

<p>The concluding thoughts about the French being “hunger-less” and the lack of segregation in America are a little rough. I don’t think I need to readdress the issue of your weak understanding of the French revolution, but let me clarify that there was still famine after the revolution. Your final sentence, in my opinion, is rather weak and does not leave the reader with anything remarkable, but it suffices I suppose.</p>

<p>** Overall: **</p>

<p>I don’t know how I’d score this essay. Maybe I’d give you a 3 since you’re unlikely to get a 5, and you’re also unlikely to get a 1, so then the essay wouldn’t have to be regraded by the renowned “expert” grader to make the final decision.</p>

<p>Like Yamster, I don’t need any essay graded at the moment, but thanks for the offer.</p>

6

<p>Thanks guys! I’m sorry if I come out as a jerk… Its just that I’ve been stressed about all the AP,SAT, PSAT crap that’s going on. Thanks for the critique :)!</p>

7

<p>I think Johnstucky was pretty accurate, although he was a little too consumed by factual inaccuracy. I think that, if you form a strong, clear link between your thesis and examples in each body paragraph, your essay will greatly improve, as John alluded. I would give this essay an 8 - 10 out of 12.</p>