I’m sorry to bother you all. I know this website is supposed to be college admissions and college life based, but I have a real problem and I need a safe place to talk about it. Recently, two people have pulled me into their friend group and at first I thought it was great. But soon after,'I have been realizing that I was their own little fool, like a free sideshow and they were laughing at me not with me. They have made barely veiled remarks about my physical appearance and I have been keeping a journal simply to document their mean comments.Yesterday, I broke down crying in my room because I was so conflicted because they aren’t mean 24/7. Why is it that I want to leave and get help but I can’t bring myself to get them in trouble? Are all bullies only mean part of the time? When they are nice, I feel like the greatest person in the world. When they are mean, I stay up at night and cry.
How big is your college? Cut them out of your life - there are 7 billion people on this planet, you don’t need to have toxic people around you. Make new friends and tell them to eff off.
Tell them how you feel. If they persist or if they ignore you, then break it off.
You don’t deserve this.
it’s called “intermittent reinforcement.” Have you taken an intro psych class? If not, look it up. Basically, it means that a person will persist in certain behavior (like hanging out with friends) as long as they are intermittently reinforced. You are staying because you are waiting for the “rewards” of the good times. Not a good way to exist. Leave the friend group. Don’t tell them how you feel. Just leave.
Brantly is correct. This type of reinforcement is one of the most powerful reward systems and it is highly manipulative. Set good boundaries for yourself and find new friends.
We have all faced bullies at different phases of life. First thing to do is to confront them and let them know that you are hurting. But if they still persist to bully you then it is time you find a new friend circle.
Real friends don’t make you feel that way. You don’t want to remember your college years as a time when you were never sure if your “friends” even liked you. I promise there are people on your campus that will make you feel happy, respected, and valued. Don’t waste any more time with people who don’t make you feel that way all the time.
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Are all bullies only mean part of the time?
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Think about people in abusive relationships. Abusers knock down their partner until the partner feels reliant on them-- “If I’m really as fat and stupid as he says, no one else will ever love me. Plus, he can be really nice sometimes…” Don’t let that happen to you. You don’t deserve crappy friends who make you feel bad.
You should consider making an appointment with your school’s counseling center. A psychologist will be able to provide you with support and give you tools to deal with the situation. I would recommend doing this before confronting anyone. Bullies have a way of turning words against us; your counselor can help you remain confident in your decisions.
I feel the same way, I wish my bros would call me ‘handsome’
You need a face to face person to talk to. As WildLupine suggested, make an appointment with your school’s counseling center as soon as possible.
I know it hurts now but consider this: you recognize that you’re being badly treated and you are figuring out how to stop it. Your ability to do this is a good thing. Working with a counselor, you’ll build the skills to disengage from this toxic relationship and you’ll learn to recognize the setup in the future before you get emotionally invested with the wrong people.
I’m with @WildLupine . It will be helpful to have some back-up while you extricate yourself. It is possible (although not probable) that these folks haven’t set out to be bullies but that they simply are unthinking and insensitive. It is possible that they do not know how you feel. If that’s the case, talking to them could help. But if they’re being intentional in their unkindness, you are outnumbered and would benefit from having someone in your camp. From what you’ve said, I would advocate against trying to work things out . You can establish some boundaries (which you need not share), make new friends, and engage with them only to the extent you’re comfortable. Because you may be missing the “kind moments”, someone from your school’s counseling service could be a good ally so that you’re not tempted to invite them past the boundaries you’ve established.
Thank you all so much for the encouraging words and great advice. I’m sorry I have not gotten a chance to reply to you all individually. I have been taking time away from everything to get some counseling and to spend time with people who have been in similar situations. The biggest problem has been that some people judged me for being bullied saying " oh, well you should probably dress better and be more put together." I have told an advisor and the bullies have come back denying that they were bullying me and making me feel as if I overreacted. Am I wrong or are they being manipulative the way they would suddenly burst into tears in front of me but seconds later when I leave the room they are laughing and texting again?
To your last sentence, probably. Sometimes when you’re being manipulated, no one else is going to believe you. What you have to do is be convinced of that in yourself and know that that’s enough.
Anyway, I know how much it hurts to realize that people you like are mistreating you. But for me, the best solution to that is to devote more time to people who do like me. Even if you don’t talk to anyone else, see if you can pick out someone who’s been friendly to you in the past and make a point to get to know them better. You’ll get through this.
Also, don’t listen to the person who told you the solution was to just look more put together. That person is a jerk.
It is very very good that you have noticed this is NOT RIGHT and are taking steps to stop it.
The first thing to do is set boundaries… that can be just not getting together with them any more.
If they invite you to anything just say “Sorry, i am not available.”
Then go to the Counseling Center and talk to them about this issue and get feedback.
You need to cut them off. Completely. They are gaslighting you. It’s a form of abusive manipulation.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted