So I have a question that might seem silly. We went and heard my son’s ensemble the other night. It was chosen to be the school’s honors ensemble and our son has been telling us about all the praise they are getting from faculty and peers. He did warn me before we went that I might not like the music. AND I DIDN’T. I can’t say I hated it as that would be too strong…but I am struggling to understand how it can be …well…anything anyone would want to listen to. How do you handle it when you do not like your child’s art? I was planning on inviting all sorts of friends and colleagues to the recital where his group will play in a month, but now I am not so sure. I don’t want to hurt the ears of friends or subject them to a painful hour. Any thoughts??? Anyone experience this???
Do you mean it sounded BAD, or it “wasn’t your cup of tea” as far as music goes?
Painful in that it was loud and hurt your ears? Or painful in that you just found it unpleasant?
Here is a fabulous post about how to approach listening to music you’re not used to - in particular music written recently - from the point of view of a visual artist. Lots of great comments too. I just highly highly recommend this post, and its advice.
https://prufrocksdilemma.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2015/01/27/guest-post-why-beethoven-is-not-enough-by-curt-barnes/
He has a list. Here’s number 1:
Expect the shock of the new. Your ear hears conventionally. I like a quotation from a psychologist, “A perception is an adjusted anticipation,” meaning that perceptions are almost completely formed by our expectations. If the music sounds like noise, give it a few minutes to try to adjust, find the right wavelength. Somebody thought it was sensible and if you can find the key, you’ll be the better for it.
I have no answer to your post, StacJip, but it made me laugh. My parents have been season ticket holders of our local orchestra for decades, but they still get angry when they hear any contemporary music–as if the composer purposely wrote the music to affront them. This reaction, after decades of suffering through the first half of the concert to get to the War Horses in the second half. I’m not a huge fan of 20th century music, but as S has had to play a fair number of modern pieces, I’ve come to enjoy the ones I’ve heard him practice. Still, I never ask him to play those for Grandma! 
@dec51995 Maybe you should share that post I linked to with grandma! After all, I bet she goes to museums of modern art, no? No reason for her not to apply the same openness with classical music as with visual art. (Except, I admit - at a museum you are not captive in a chair - something I think classical music needs to consider…) In addition, the majority of people will accept without even thinking about it the music in a film score, or even a car ad, music that’s way more far out than most music played in a concert hall.
Thanks SpiritManager that is very helpful. And my son had some helpful advice to which was sort of similar. As a visual artist I know that there is a lot of art that non-artists are perplexed by. I remember turning my husband into a Rothko hater into a Rothko fan in a museum. He just didn’t know how to look at the work.
As for my problems with it…I did find some of it painful to listen to…but the acoustics were bad where we were. I think my main problem was one of confusion and struggle to figure out how anyone would choose to listen to this music or want to listen to it.
So, it was played well, but you just didn’t like it?
I love most of what I hear my son (and his ensembles) play, but not everything. I try my best, but there is some music that I just don’t get, or that I find unpleasant to listen to. I don’t know whether it’s simply that not all music is good, or that I’m not capable of understanding all good music, or some combination of the two. In terms of inviting others to a concert or recital that includes music that you think they might not like or might have trouble understanding, my inclination would be simply to warn them up front. Then let them make the choice as to whether they want to attend.
StacJip, I totally get what you’re saying. I am a musician and make my living at it, but I have to say that there are pieces that I just don’t like or don’t want to listen to–pieces I wonder what the composer was even trying to say and pieces where I just kind of want to get up and leave in the middle because I enjoy it so little. But, that’s going to happen with any of the creative and/or performing arts. I think you should still invite people because you are proud of your son and all his accomplishments–as you should be! how great that he’s in an honors ensemble!–but maybe add the little caveat that it is a very ‘contemporary’ piece that they might not perhaps enjoy so much, but at least it is a chance to see your son performing. That at least prepares them for the performance, knowing that it’s more about your son and less about the piece.
@SpiritManager: No, she’s not real fond of modern art, either–or modern dance–or modern literature. I think I’ve made almost all the arguments in the article at one time or another, but she still insists that the music sounds awful to everyone and anyone who doesn’t think so is crazy. My dad’s favorite comment to make of an atonal piece is “I heard a mistake,” (sarcastically–as in, how would you know if the player hit the wrong note?) and of modern art, “I could have painted that.” Especially about Rothko!
I too would just invite and nicely warn its contemporary played by very talented musicians!
That is a great article, SpiritManager, and I just sent it to my husband, because we are going to see my D perform with her ensemble in about a month and I am sure will bump into the same challenges. I am sure the musicians themselves love contemporary music as it is billed as a contemporary ensemble, but even then they like some pieces better than others. We are going to just go and soak up the experience. It helps that we have a YouTube of one of the pieces so it will be somewhat familiar.
It’ll be too far away for Grandma to go, which is just as well. For her, the article should be entitled “Mozart is Just Right.” If you can’t tap your toes to it and nod your head to it, it’s not really good music.
Poor Grandma. What I mean to say is, I think we all fall somewhere on the spectrum. The contemporary music which we didn’t like at one time we can begin to be accustomed to and even appreciate later through exposure. Now that I don’t hear my D practicing all the time, it probably will be a shock to the system to attend this upcoming concert. But we know she likes the modern stuff. Good luck to you, StacJip, and we should compare notes when April is over!
There is such a huge spectrum of contemporary classical music these days - no one aesthetic at all. It’s not like the 50’s with high modernism ruling all. You might even find you can tap your toes to some of it, and hum it too, if that’s what you like. The range of styles gets more diverse by the day - I’m sure if you open your ears wide enough you’ll find a lot to love. And, if the musicians you watch/listen to love it, try to feel their enthusiasm - as they definitely love it for a good reason.
Great article, spiritmgr!
Stacjp, your friends will take their cues from you and some might even enjoy a new adventure. So just be candid about what to expect and see if they’re up for the adventure. You might be surprised to witness how differently different people approach new music 
On what to do when you don’t like your child’s art…I’ve found a balance and treat it pretty much like an aural adventure and an opportunity for interesting discussion. We simply agree to disagree, but my willingness to listen and learn has help forge a platform for exchange.
Compared to some of his work in electronica genres like glitch tune and vaporwave, mcson’s work in classical New Music is almost old hat I realize now that he’s taken me on something of a voyage through the years (eg the first Cage exposure) to the things I hear him experiment with now.
What’s interesting is that although he starts from a premise that “it won’t be (your) thing” I can continue to surprise him with what I do like, and that we can have great conversations that are engaging and stimulating (at least for me…they may be tiring for him…)
For example, I’m widely known (as many my age) to hate 8bit and glitch tune/noises meant to simulate early computer games (I also hated early computer games.) A few years back, McSon wrote a whole drone album while fooling around based on a level in an early Nintendo game, creating an atmosphere. I actually loved it.
Life is full of surprises, especially when peopled with creatives. Just enjoy the ride
My son the jazz drummer says this about free jazz - the only people who like it are people who play jazz and Germans! Like with modern visual art I find it helps to know ahead what it will be and try to understand some about what makes it “special”. The more I know about what they are actually doing the less random it sounds. Of course, earplugs are a thing too. My mom always takes them when she goes to here the kid’s prog metal stuff - he never knows and she is providing moral support
I think it is helpful to be honest with your son, ask questions, learn what he likes, express what you don’t understand, a have a dialogue. Like kmcmom and spiritmanager, I feel that I have learned so much over the years, but I wouldn’t have learned as much if had just pretended to like things
I have watched people (usually older, regular patrons) get up in a huff and leave a concert when a contemporary piece is played. These attitudes have a trickle down effect of determining programming because these are often the biggest donors and most regular attendees at festivals and concert series, which then affects composers and musicians.
Contemporary music (like modern dance or art) has sometimes been accused of not caring about the audience. But it is a two way street. When I see people leave angrily, my thought is, no wonder so much creative work occurs within academia rather than in the marketplace.
Stacjip, I am really curious about what piece your son is playing that was a turn-off. As Spirit Manager said, there are so many aesthetics within the term “new music.” Maybe you could PM me?!
I’ve been enjoying this conversation so much that now I’m thinking I will attend the concert!
Whenever I hear something confusing or unpleasant I always refer to the program notes to try to get something out of it and distract myself lol.
Coming back to add that beauty and enjoyment are not always the goal of composers or musicians. Sorry to state the obvious. But it is an important point for discussion: should a composer have an audience in mind at all when writing a piece? How can a composer maintain integrity while also trying to make a living (which might require that audiences find the works pleasant!). And to audiences new music may seem less challenging and less virtuosic for musicians, though that is not often the case. Extended techniques can be less uplifting than a soaring violin for parents and friends, for instance
Some pieces actually try to convey a state of mind that is not at all pleasing, or a personal sound world that is even disturbing. Some composers are using algorithms and interested in technical matters. Some are addressing difficult social or historical issues or a narrative that is tragic. Such a wide variety. The main point, trite as it may sound, is that music is not always entertainment and like much art that is “high” art, not always enjoyed but nevertheless more than worthwhile. Yet audiences do get angry.
The dilemmas posed by the captive audience are further complicated if the composer doesn’t want to explain much about the work (see the thread on art and censorship). I personally benefit so much from program notes and preconcert talks and any information I can obtain anywhere about a composer’s intention and method. But then again, as with modern art, if you can let go and go with the flow, for lack of a better way to say it, sometimes the most difficult pieces can absorb completely.
I had a chance to help with a concert of a well known string quartet playing Lachenmann for young children. The children were far more open than their parents or grandparents and loved every minute.
I don’t know about anyone else, but once I hit 50 or so i started to enjoy abstract art and music and dance a lot more than when I was younger. This only increases with age. Now when I go to a museum I gravitate toward abstract expressionists or contemporary work and I even go for some pretty wild stuff as long as the vision of the artist is strong enough to impact me. Second childhood?!