Can anyone please review my ESSAY? Help will be greatly appreciated :')

Prompt: A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or for fame. Yet, history gives us many examples of individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience, that powerful inner voice tells us what is right and what is wrong- can be a more compelling force than money, power or fame.

Q. Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power?

Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power because money, fame and power can’t provide the most inevitable thing in life- true happiness. Over the years, people have put their personal desires and needs secondary to the betterment of the society. The humanitarian efforts of Aung San Suu Kyi and the existence of Khan Academy support this assertion.

Aung San Suu Kyi, a global symbol of peace, was born in British Burma. When she was just 8 years old, her father, the president of British Burma, was dethroned and assassinated by U Ne Win. She was sent to England, in 1966, to receive an education. Upon returning to Burma in 1988, she saw widespread slaughter of protesters rallying against the brutal rule of dictator U Ne Win. She quickly understood the state of crisis in her country and initiated a nonviolent movement toward achieving democracy and human rights. In 1989, the government placed Suu Kyi under house arrest, and she spent 15 of the next 21 years in custody. In 1991, her ongoing efforts won her the Nobel Prize for Peace, and she was finally released from house arrest in November 2010.

Khan Academy is a non- profit organization which provides free online education to school going children. Sal Khan, the founder of the organization, graduated from the prestigious MIT with degrees in math, computer science and business. He was working for a hedge fund when his younger cousin expressed her plight of not being able to understand certain topics in math. Initially, Sal only had phone conversations with her but then he had this idea of recording his small lecture and posting it online where his cousin could see it as many times as she wanted. Soon many other classmates of his cousin also started watching the videos he made and he became a sensation in their school. Sal decided to quit his job and develop a platform where students could visit and study at their own convenience. He made a reasonable number of sub-topics and exercises related to them. Students could see their progress weekly by knowing the amount of time spent and their accuracy on a certain topic. He made study seem more fun than a burden. Today, Khan Academy provides world class education to millions of students worldwide in every subject and Sal was called the greatest educationist by Bill Gates.

Conscience has a stronger control over us than any other thing which brings materialistic happiness in our lives. Conscience helps us to know us better and the examples of Aung San Suu Kyi and Khan Academy support that “Conscience is a more compelling force than power, money and fame.’’

Your essay cam be improved by tying your examples to your thesis more explicitly.

And how much will this essay score?