Critique my SAT essay please

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi. If you could look over my essay, grade it, and post some comments, I'd really appreciated it! </p>

<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>Those who view the world with the presumption of basic human immorality often think that conscience holds no sway over a person’s decision-making. Rather, they believe that personal gain in the form of money, fame, and power are the primary motivators for human action. However, this view is too cynical. Conscience is a more powerful motivator for an individual than money, power or fame because it prompts extraordinary acts and works off of the basic human desire for goodness.</p>

<p>First of all, conscience is powerful because it causes people to act extraordinarily. To provide a general example, look to soldiers. Mercenaries will rarely fight to the death for their employers but we regularly see that fanatics, driven by their consciences, are willing to give up their lives for a cause they believe in. The Founding Fathers of the United States are a great example of this because they were men who were driven primarily by conscience. If caught, many would surely have been hung. Those who were fortunate enough to escape the hangman’s noose directly would have to suffer the ignominy of prison. Most of the men were already rich and notable before the revolution so it wasn’t money or fame that was the impetus. Collusion with the British would have been infinitely safer and more profitable than revolution. Rather, it was conscience that propelled them to act against tyranny and create a state that was intended to ensure individual freedoms. A trendier modern example of someone motivated by conscience who performs an extraordinary deed is whistleblower Edward Snowden. While a byproduct of his actions was fame, he surely didn’t seek the ire of the most powerful entity on Earth. Instead, his conscience propelled him to reveal civil rights abuses committed by the National Security Agency. All extraordinary actions, therefore, do not result from base wants but rather from a higher moral calling. This calling is communicated through the conscience.</p>

<p>In that thread of thought, conscience is supremely powerful because it jibes well with the basic human desire for goodness. Ignatius of Loyola emphasized this in his work “Spiritual Exercise”. He said that humans are naturally oriented towards good. Seeking money, power, and fame is doesn't necessarily lead to goodness. More often, these are just byproducts. For example, Gandhi never sought fame but he listened to his naturally good conscience and it earned him fame. He organized the Salt March to the sea because he realized that India needed to be rid of a harmful British influence. A more worldly view, one that wanted power, would have likely militarized the massed Indians but his non-violent protest earned him the respect. By respecting the basic human unwillingness for violence that is inherent in every human through the conscience, Gandhi was able to achieve more than he could have through seeking power, money, and fame.</p>

<p>In every way, conscience is a much more powerful motivator than power, money, and fame. The reason for this is very simple. A person’s beliefs are communicated to them by their conscience. People are willing to make larger sacrifices for ideology than for material , political or social gain.</p>

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<p>Generally, it’s good to have a clear, concise intro. Try to basically restate the question, foreshadow a little, and clearly state your opinion. I think your ideas are insightful, the progression’s clear, and the vocab’s good. The 2nd sentence of your 1st topic paragraph sounds wrong. “Look at soldiers” is the same as using “you” or" I". Keep it formal and general. By the way, could you critique mine? Theoretically, people in positions of authority should always seek to work for the greater good. In the real world, such a case is not always guaranteed. Therefore, as the Egyptian population bravely stood up to its inefficient president, people have the right to question the authorities’ decisions when in doubt of the latter’s efficiency.
Should people question the authorities’ decisions?
The Arab Spring of 2011 caused tumults throughout North Africa and the Middle East. Egypt was one of several Arab countries that revolted against their governments, tired of years of corruption and general stagnation. For years, President Mubarak denied his people the opportunity to have a say in national matters. Despite their resentment and frustration, no Egyptian dared question Mubarak’s decisions, for the president held a position of power. Consequently, people assumed he was somehow right. If that weren’t the case, he wouldn’t be president, would he? </p>

<p>Fortunately, protests in neighboring countries prompted the Egyptians to drop their blinkers. Educated Egyptians encouraged the people to avoid blindly following Mubarak, and instead, think for themselves. The fresh wave of freedom and rights hit the once-submissive population, who gradually began questioning the president’s decisions. Once they did so, they saw just how inefficient he was, and sought to remove him from the government. Egypt then saw a new glorious beginning.</p>

<p>In retrospect, questioning the decisions of authority figures is necessary to maintain justice, prosperity, and efficiency. Ideally, people wouldn’t have to do this, but corruption does go hand in hand with power and authority! When wanting to avoid such issues, speaking up in times of crisis becomes a necessity, not a luxury.</p>

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<p>Sure. I’ll try. </p>

<p>Throughout your whole essay you bring up one example. It’s also rather short. Your first paragraph(after the intro) brings up a good point but it is too short. You need to expand it more. </p>

<p>Lengthen the essay, add another example to two and this would be much better. I’d probably give it a 6 or 7 out of 12.</p>