Assignement: Is conscience a more powerful motivator thans money, fame or power?
Humans are on of the most sofisticated creatures on earth, one of their features resides in the presence of a conscience in their souls, however I do not believe, that consciousness alone can be more powerful than the greed of certain people.
If we take a closer look at the middle east problems, we find that power and money push people to commit thousands of deaths each day, without a single feeling of sympathy and remorse. For example, Syria, which used to be one of the strongest countries culturally, is now engaged in a full civil war, ehich is caused by one man, who didn’t abondon the power he has in his hands.
Another great example to mention is the 2007-2008 financial crisis, where CEO’s of big companies wanted more profit, even though they had enough to start a country! Their selfishness caused the collapse of the economy of many countries. These people became slaves to money, just like celebrities are to fame and attention.
Finally we need to understand that materialistic things are not important to live a happy life, conscience on the other side is, even though it isn’t as a powerful motivator as money.
Not long enough
Not in-depth enough (with the examples)
Not very good organization
Spelling errors
Grammar errors
5/12
^too generous. 3/12 at most.
I think you are trying too hard to make it sound intellectual. I also believe that English is not your native language based on this sample.
Try to write in active rather than passive voice. Try staying with “I” rather than “we”.
Would you turn this in to your Language Arts Teacher as a finished essay? I think not.
Keep writing.
Then you can start to take out all the unneeded words and even entire phrases such as “If we take a closer look at . . .”
Be careful with your word choice - humans are not normally characterized as having “features”.
The problems with a lot of college essays is that students spend 30 minutes writing, then they want someone to edit it.
You need to spend weeks on it - an hour here and a hour there. Write something that really shows who you are, then ask for a review.
The basis of the essay is good, but you need to elaborate on your examples and also spend more time crafting the essay structurally (and fix the grammatical errors) before it can be close to a finished product. In its current form it sounds pretty shallow because you sort of skim over all the topics without really explaining your viewpoint, but you could probably turn this into a very good essay. As it is maybe 6/12?