Grade my SAT essay?

College Essays
1

<p>This was written under timed conditions.</p>

<p>Question: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Everyone sees the world in their own unique way. We all have different opinions and values that contribute to the diversity of our race. The reason for any of our actions can vary from greed to altruism. So, the motive depends on the person.</p>

<p>Hitler is one of the most infamous tyrants in human history. After the first world war, Germany was in a state of devastation. So, when the charming Adolf Hitler appeared, he and his doctrines were welcomed with open arms. However, he eventually became a feared dictator. Hitler was power-hungry; he killed millions of innocent people during the Holocaust to prove his authority. He is an example of how actions and motives, whether right or wrong, good or bad, depends on the person.</p>

<p>Another example is my mother. She is the epitome of munificence and responsibility; she always does what is right, no matter the cost. A few months ago, my older sister went to a party downtown. She had been drinking and needed a safe ride home, so she called our mother. That night, my mother had a very important meeting with her boss in order to discuss a promotion. Despite this, she knew that the right thing to was to drive downtown and pick up my sister. She could have left her to find her own way home, but she chose not to. This shows that even though my mother wanted the extra money from the promotion, she knew my sister's safety was much more important. So for her, conscience was a more potent motivator than greed. This contrasts with Hitler's desire for power and proves that motivation varies from person to person.</p>

<p>Humans are a very interesting race. Sometimes we make bad choices for a good reason or the other way around. But ultimately, what we do depends on our motives and those motives are different for everyone. Something one person finds hugely inspiring can be quickly disregarded by someone else. This is shown through the actions of Hitler and my mother.</p>

2

<p>I would score your essay a 4 out of 6. A score of 4 looks like, according to collegeboard:
An essay in this category demonstrates adequate mastery, although it has lapses in quality. A typical essay:</p>

<p>Develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates competent critical thinking, using adequate examples, reasons and other evidence to support its position
Is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas
Exhibits adequate but inconsistent facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary
Demonstrates some variety in sentence structure
Has some errors in grammar, usage and mechanics</p>

<p>I would suggest an improvement on your topic sentence (simply removing the “so”, leaving, “the motive depends on the person,” would seem much more professional. And generally, I would suggest a little more along the lines of simple summary, then “effect on the real world” in the last paragraph, rather than just a summary. You should also try to pick a yes or no position on the question in the essay, rather than straddling both positions. Trying to do both leads to rambling and confusion.</p>

3

<p>3 or 4. Seems odd because you don’t really take an actual stance on the issue. Also it was shocking (in an unpleasant way) when you transitioned from Hitler to your mother. I think you have pretty good style, but you seem like you’re trying to do both sides when you need to pick one and be strong.</p>