Please grade my essay. I need help!! plz...

<hr>

<p>Assignment: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? </p>

<hr>

<pre><code> When Adam took the first bite of the apple of Eden, human beings were re-born; they received 'conscience' for a compensation for their losing of paradise. Conscience has laid in the deep inside of people's mind. However, it does not possess a power to motivate people. As people seek for a material paradise to replace their Eden, three representatives values-money, fame, and power-do all ther work. I believe that those material values have more compelling power than conscience.

   Histoy has uncountable evidences to support my belief. For example, there always has been corruption in history; a country's downfall is more than likely determined by its royal courts' corruption. One of the most infamous emperors of all time, Nero represents this perfectly. He sought for power and gold. He did not hesistate a moment to start a conflagration in rome to show off his power. If his conscience really has the power, this disaster should have not happened in our history.

    Moreover, the crime happening every minutes proves my thesis, also. A lot of people commit a crime for moeny. They even kill their family for insurance pay-back. Burglars and theives have the same purpose. Money definitely comes first to the people.

    Surely, there is conscience in people's heart somewhere. That is why wer can at least endure in this society. However, it does not motivate people to do the right things. As history and crime have proved it, money and power are the chief sources of power which move people.

</code></pre>

<p>4/8..............................</p>

<p>Can you tell me in a range of 2-12? I'm a bit confused lol. Thanks!!</p>

<p>I'd give it an 8 or a 9. You're "crime" support is a bit weak, but your essay is generally focused and strong. You're conclusion also needs to tie the essay in more and end with something more... insightful. Overall though, you could have probably thought of a better way to discuss your third paragraph.</p>

<p>Thanks apizao! I was running out of time when I wrote my thrid paragraph:( Thank you so much for your advice!!</p>

<p>A lot of colloquial language is shown. You can remove your third paragraph actually. Grammatical errors are shown around the essay. Try avoiding "this" too many times. Also vary your sentence length and try to stay in active voice because the essay doesn't flow. Your example is very general and not specific. 7/12.</p>

<p>Thanks 8parks11 :) I have a lot to work on, don't I? Thank you for your advice!</p>