Whats my score for my essay??

<p>This is the essay fro the Essay Practice Test #1 in the BB.
prompt: To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. there is no choice but to change. people, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>Assignment: What motivates people to change?</p>

<pre><code>"We believe in change." This is the primary slogan of our possible, future president. He enforces change for the better. Others who wish to change, want to learn and experience. Experience, knowledge, and prosperity are what motivate people to change.
Barack Obama promotes change because of his past experiences. In his book, "The Dreams From My Father", Barack describes his experiences in the slums of Chicago, as well as the villages of Africa. He had seen how bad the conditions were in the cities of downtown Chicago as an organizer, along with the corruption of the African government. Obama wants change for a better future. After all of his adventures, he wants the United States of America to change for the prosperity of the country.
The motivation for change in me, came from my desire to learn and experience. My decision to attend a prestigious and rigorously academic prep school rooted from the will to change. the reason i wanted to change my school was that I really wanted to learn how to live on my own and manage a very rigorous course load. I know that this change will alter my life forever, but I am willing to risk that for the sake of my education and maturity. i wanted change for the betterness of my future.
To change is to risk. Put everything on the line and go for it. It is a scary thought. But those who are emotionally and mentally tough may endure the hardships of change. Therefore, "all of our motivation comes from within." Without change or innovation your lifestyle would be completely different. Your wardrobe would look nothing like it is now. Without change you possibly could be wearing nothing right now. Change may be good or bad, one may bever be able to tell. however, without change hwo will this world progress?
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<p>I'd give it 7-8'ish</p>

<p>Intro's weak. The thesis is way too blunt and not insightful. "Others who wish to change, want to learn and experience. Experience, knowledge, and prosperity are what motivate people to change." <- Don't do this please...</p>

<p>"Obama wants change for a better future. After all of his adventures, he wants the United States of America to change for the prosperity of the country." This basically repeats the same thing twice. And you don't try to correlate his past experiences with his political agenda. You just said oh he saw these kinds of things. There was no cause and effect. You just stated a cause and left it there.</p>

<p>Your second example is way too generic and vague. "I try hard in school. I want to push myself and excel." zzz...</p>

<p>Your conc strays way too far from the initial question. You are not trying to motivate someone, you are trying conclude your argument on why people change. </p>

<p>Answer the question in the intro, back up with middle paragraphs, sum up in conc.</p>

<p>i'd say it's abt 8</p>

<p>your first example is ok, the second wasnt as in-depth as required.....</p>

<p>6-7 I think. You could elaborate much more on your examples. Your conclusion is kinda random. You just kinda throw out the "motivation is internal" thing.</p>