Can somebody critique and grade my essays on the SAT Essay scale? (Open for any suggestions!)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

I’ve written both of these essays in the 25 minute time limit.

Essay 1:

Prompt: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?

Response: In order to make vital changes and discover one’s abilities and limits, I believe that is is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. A character from F.Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, Jay Gatsby’s determination and persistence in going after his dreams, defying the beliefs of his elders and elite bodies, show how going against the common belief of authoritative figures can prove to advance oneself in the world.
For example, by not believing in his parents’ way of life and being persistent on not becoming like them, Gatsby attains his opportunity to wealth. Gatsby comes from a poor family who are all farmers living in the Midwest. His parents do not see much opportunity in Gatsby’s future when he was a child and expect him to become a farmer, but Gatsby believes he can strive to become very wealthy and be something more rewarding than a farmer. And so, by ignoring his parents’ predictions and disbelief in Gatsby’s dream, he runs away from home and one day, at sea during a storm, saves wealthy copper mogul, Dan Cody, from drowning. With the belief that Dan Cody could help him on his way to the top, Gatsby sails with him for some years and learns the mannerisms of the wealthy from Cody. Gatsby’s rebellion of parents’ ideals puts him on the path to becoming an immensely wealthy individual.
Another example of how is essential for one to question authority is when Nick Carraway comes to question Tom and Daisy Buchanan’s lack of morals and ends up cutting ties with them. Tom and Daisy Buchanan are authoritative figures in that they possess an abundance of wealth. Nick, at first, is friendly and helpful towards them, yet as he witnesses their selfish acts against Gatsby, like framing him for a murder that Daisy had committed, he is disgusted by them and their wealth. By doing this, Nick probably saved himself from being used unfairly by them and taken advantage of. He also comes to the important realization that wealth can be detrimental to a person once they attain it. Therefore, Nick has saved himself and learned something by challenging the acts of high figures like Tom and Daisy.
Many might believe that if Gatsby had listened to authority, he would’ve actually survived not been murdered by George Wilson at a very early age in the novel. But if Gatsby had done this, he never could’ve inspired Nick Carrawat to be hopeful and always dream of more than what others limit you to. Gatsby, by being who he was, was the only person Nick could respect and had been the reason for Nick remaining hope in humanity.
All in all, Gatsby and Nick’s questioning and defiance of authority had led to each other’s benefit and advancement in thought throughout the novel.

Essay 2:

Prompt: Do people need to spend less time with others in order to appreciate them?

Response: The more time one spends apart from another, the more he or she longs to be with the other. I concur with the belief that people need to spend less time with others in order to appreciate them, The relationships portrayed by F. Scott Fitzgerald in the The Great Gatsby prove this statement to be prevalent among many.
For example, the increase in Gatsby’s fascination and love for Daisy Buchanan, his love interest, after being away from her for more than two years, shows how distance can deepen one’s appreciation for another. Twenty-five year old Jay Gatsby falls in love with Daisy at first sight but their relationship is put to an end when Gatsby is forced to move across the country to fight in war for three years. During the gap, Daisy had married Tom Buchanan, so one would perceive that Gatsby probably would have moved on from Daisy, but Gatsby’s adoration of Daisy grows even more and as result, attains a plethora of wealth just to win her back when he reunites with her. During the time that Gatsby is away from Daisy, he only has the idea of her in his head and he had made that idea into something much more beautiful and endearing than is Daisy’s actual character. If Gatsby had spent more time with Daisy, he would’ve realized her greed and selfish nature, therefore reducing his adulation of her. Thus Gatsby’s separation from Daisy had resulted in his further adoration of her.
Another character whose love of an other character deepened with distance is Nick Carraway. As Nick Carraway had gotten to know Gatsby, he grew more fond of his imagination and ability to believe in himself. Once Gatsby had died, Nick seemed to have gained a deep respect for Gatsby and his ideals. He even states, “Only one man was an exempt from my disgust, Gatsby…” If Gatsby was to survive and Nick had the chance to get to know Gatsby better, he would’ve gotten more involved in Gatsby’s illegal bootlegging business since Gatsby was bound to eventually be arrested for that and Nick’s last idea of Gatsby would’ve been that of shame. Carraway’s inevitable separation from Gatsby had served to let him find comfort in the thought of Gatsby and leads to Nick’s respect for him.
Overall, both Gatsby and Carraway, as their thoughts had focused on the person they had been away from, formed an ideal and image of perfection of that individual because they hadn’t the knowledge their true characters without their company in person.

Please reply with possible corrections I could make to improve my essay and tips!

2

Well, to start with, there are the obvious typos, such as “is is” in your first line of Essay 1 and the use of “prove” instead of “proves” in the third line of Essay 2. Those easy-to-miss typos and grammars could be critical on the scoring. Your transitions also need working on, as your flow between sentences and sections needs work. In your second essay, you have a multitude of grammar errors and some clunky transitions, along with improper use of punctuation (such as the first line of the last paragraph where you used commas in “as their thoughts had focused…” rather than parentheses). The same problems remain in your first essay. If you can fix these grammar mistakes, you should be good to go.

In case you’re curious, here’s an essay I wrote on the practice SAT in 25 minutes (which I attained a 12 on):

   People should definitely take more of an effort to keep some things private. In a world where technology has now become the social norm, we have established more and more connections with people all across the world, and now have access to the world's information via the internet. While technology like this has its upsides, if users are not careful and meticulous enough with what they share to the whole world, they could risk everything. 
   To start it off, there's the issue with location tracking. There are a multitude of methods users can accidentally or purposefully share their address online, and while it may be intended for a personal friend or family member, it is entirely possible that a lurking stalker can come across this information and use it against the user's will. Then there's the issue of a person's identity. If a person reveals too much about his or herself, it becomes much easier for any random stranger on the internet to assume the identities of the targeted victim and utilize the identity to commit some immoral acts, such as robbing the person of his possessions and property. If too much information is shared to the outside world, it becomes much simpler for a person to exploit this and use this to his or her advantage.
    Another risk when making things less private is putting his or her emotions and lifestyle at stake. For example, cyberbullying is one of the most prominent types of bullying in the United States. This may cause a person to lose focus and suffer from depression. If a video or picture were uploaded and shared to the internet that in any way may embarrass or harm the user, the user may become victimized to the world around him and even condemned for his or her actions. 
   Not only can selecting a less private lifestyle affect the emotional factor, it can also affect the personal factor. As said before, an excess of information can permit a person to be able to exploit a person's identity, and cause theft of property and possessions. Information such as credit cards and accounts can be taken away from the user and into the hands of the criminal. 
    The damages are not limited to just the property or possessions, either. There are a plethora of kidnappings all over the United States, a vast quantity of which is caused by arranging a meeting with someone contacted through social media. Users are easily vulnerable to the lurking predators of the internet and, if not careful enough, could fall prey to one of these scandalous stalkers.
      Damages to the personal factor do not necessarily have to rely on a third party source attacking the victim; sometimes the user will victimize himself. When a lack of privacy is displayed, users will often morph their mindset to adapt to the "social media hierarchy" and constantly formulate fabricated confessions or posts on the internet in order to attract more attention from the media. This causes a downgrade in the person's social life as the user will become more committed to attempting to garner as much attention as possible from other people and not focus on the genuine world around him. This type of venture to become as popular on the internet as possible also severely depletes a person's time and will cause him to decrease in productivity and perform with underwhelming results. All the data and information that is released on the internet can and will remain on the internet, meaning a person can't retrace his steps and erase his mark on the internet. This causes users to develop a mindset where they believe they can't go back and can only move forward as they constantly update their status in order to feel more wanted in society when in reality, they're only losing their mark as their productivity and performance decreases. 
     Even though I've only scratched the surface, there are a variety of reasons on why people should make an effort to keep things private. Not only can the loss of privacy threaten a sense of security and can cause theft of possessions and identity, a loss of privacy can hinder the user in different ways, such as threatening his emotional and personal life. If a person is not careful while distributing information to the outside world, he or she might be vulnerable to the dangers of the internet, and can risk losing everything. Therefore, an effort should be made to keep things more private.

…Yeah, it’s long. I type and think pretty fast.

3

Thanks for your critique! Do you think you can maybe give it a score from 1-6 as an SAT essay grader would?

4

I think there are several grammatical errors that you should watch out.
In order to make vital changes and discover one’s abilities and limits, I believe that is is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. -> The sentence is not parallel. (in order to do something, one does something, not believe something)
A character from F.Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, Jay Gatsby’s determination and persistence in going after his dreams (A CHARACTER FROM… NOVEL IS NOT FIT IN THE SENTENCE AS IT IS NOT RELATED TO THE SECOND CLAUSE, you should change to “in F.Scott Fitz…'s novel”), defying the beliefs of his elders and elite bodies, show how going against the common belief of authoritative figures can prove to advance oneself in the world.
For example, BY not believing in his parents’ way of life and being persistent on not becoming like them, (by is not necessary in this sentence and is not used in this case, it should be eliminated) Gatsby attains his opportunity to wealth. Gatsby comes from a poor family who are all farmers living in the Midwest. His parents do not see much opportunity in Gatsby’s future when he was a child and expect him to become a farmer, but Gatsby believes he can strive to become very wealthy and be something more rewarding than a farmer. And so, BY ignoring his parents’ predictions and disbelief in Gatsby’s dream, (BY SHOULD BE ELIMINATED as it has no function) he runs away from home and one day, at sea during a storm, saves wealthy copper mogul, Dan Cody, from drowning. With the belief that Dan Cody could help him on his way to the top, Gatsby sails with him for some years and learns the mannerisms of the wealthy from Cody. Gatsby’s rebellion of parents’ ideals puts him on the path to becoming an immensely wealthy individual.
Another example of how IS ( ‘is’ in this case is superfluous) essential for one to question authority is when Nick Carraway comes to question Tom and Daisy Buchanan’s lack of morals (question someone’s moral, not someone’s lack of moral) and ends up cutting ties with them. (‘cutting ties’ is a very interesting term but not familiar and fluent in the sentence, I suggest ‘put an end to something’)
Tom and Daisy Buchanan are authoritative figures in that they possess an abundance of wealth. Nick, at first, is friendly and helpful towards them, yet as he witnesses their selfish acts against Gatsby, like framing him for a murder that Daisy had committed, he IS DISGUSTED BY THEM AND THEIR WEALTH.(awkward sentence, I suggest ‘he disgusts their wealth and their characteristics) By DOING THIS, Nick probably saved himself from being used unfairly by them and taken advantage of. (this sentence is too long, and obstruct the flow of the essay, I suggest ‘Nick have saved himself from being taken advantage of’’)
He also comes to THE important realization (the cannot be used here as realization is first used, also the collocation is come to realize) that wealth can be detrimental to A PERSON once THEY attain it. (see the difference in subject?) Therefore, Nick has saved himself and learned something by challenging the acts of HIGH figures like Tom and Daisy. (superior is more appropriate)
Many MIGHT believe that if Gatsby had listened to authority, he would’ve actually survived NOT BEEN MURDERED by George Wilson at a very early age in the novel. (he’d survived not being murdered by…or would have survived and would have not been murdered but I prefer the first)But if Gatsby had done this, he NEVER could’ve (COULD NEVER HAVE) INSPIRED Nick Carrawat to be hopeful and always dream (inspire someone to do something, inspire Nick to be hopeful and TO always dream) of more than what others limit you to. Gatsby, by being who he was, was the only person Nick could respect and HAD BEEN the reason for Nick remaining hope in humanity. (i think you should refer back to the usage of past perfect tense and when to use it)
All in all, Gatsby and Nick’s questioning and defiance of authority HAD led to each other’s benefit and advancement in thought throughout the novel. (have)
Assessment: You have good examples but is limited when facing the pressure of 25 minutes). grade 3/6
That’s just my opinion.

5

@Zypker124 did you write this exact essay on the SAT and got a 12? Because to me it seems rather different from other essays graded with 12.