Can someone grade my practice essay? (Just unsure on what grade it deserves)

<p>I'm just unsure on what grade it would earn. I'm a rising sophomore and I was planning on taking the SAT soon. It would be great if I could get some pointers.</p>

<p>PROMPT: </p>

<p>Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads fssafer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government---rather than individuals---should always come up with the solutions to society's ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-suffiency.</p>

<p>Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>ESSAY:
In today's society, people often blame the government for many of the problems they face. These problems can arise in local communtities to global settings. People are quick to point fingers at the government to fix the problems. However, they should not be dependant on others. They need to take charge and resolve their own problems. People have become helpless on their own account and they feel that they require a 'babysitter'.</p>

<pre><code> History shows that a common man can create dramatic changes and resolve many problems. Take for example Martin Luther, the German monk who stood against the Roman Catholic Church. He questioned their beliefs and motivated people to resolve their own problems by standing up for themselves. He taught the world people should never blindly trust authority to solve their problems.

Recently in Libya, the people overthrew their oppressive leader by taking matters into their own hands and solving their own problem. The people worked together to resolve an issue. Ironically, the issue was their authoritative figure. This shows that people should never be completely reliant on their rulers. This incident epitomizes the power of the people when they take matters into their own hands.

 Also, the state of the Indian people supports my belief on this topic. India is a large economic giant, but their people still live in poverty. The people look to their powerful government to fix their problems. However, India still remains a developing country in the eyes of the world. 

Therefore, I can conclude that people should take responsibility for their own welfare. They should not be dependent on untrustworthy rulers. Each individual should feel responsible for the prosperity and welfare of the people of their country. To depend on fallible rulers is foolish.

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<p>I don’t usually do this, but I’ll take a crack at it tonight.</p>

<p>First, your thesis is a bit unclear. “However” implies contradiction. Make the thesis super obvious.</p>

<p>Great topic sentences. They really introduce the supporting arguments. </p>

<p>In the last paragraph, don’t turn personal and say “I can conclude.” Rather, say “It can be concluded that.”</p>

<p>Overall a pretty good essay. However, it requires further development. Add more meat to your examples. Feel free to explain them further, because your essay is only 290 words. I have fairly average handwriting, and it used to take me 600+ words to fill the two pages. Longer is better.</p>

<p>Probably a 9 or 10. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve done this. It’s a good essay with good structure but it requires further development.</p>

<p>Not sure if you’ve seen this: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Good luck!</p>