Prompt: Can people have too much enthusiasm?
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwHJIP8idS_ILXJqeS1Cd2ZocXM2RzVqVUY2dlk4NTB0OHln/view?usp=sharing
Few people are going to bother to decipher your handwriting, lol. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
fair enough
Concise and informative intro. Perhaps another sentence about how rational is more important than enthusiasm. Your body pgh starts well, then we have a long journey with that “however sentence.” Unfortunately your second page didn’t load.
ok- it loaded. Your BNW paragraph starts well, but you need to explain better about the internal void. Pretend the reader hasn’t read the book. How exactly is enthusiasm hurting their lives- what are they blind to? Give specifics.
grade: 9/10
@bodangles Instead of posting something like that, you could’ve at least tried to give him advice or help him. His handwriting isn’t so bad that you can’t read it. Your post was of no use. If you don’t want to help him, don’t bother posting here, and don’t belittle his handwriting. Very rude.
That being said, @16plumbera, I would give your essay a 4 totaling to about a possible score of 8/12.
I would advise you to keep your examples more varied, and add more supporting details to them. Also, don’t start a paragraph with “One example of enthusiasm is [blah, blah]” then transition to “Another example of enthusiasm is [blah, blah]”. Those are choppy transitions; they don’t flow very smoothly. Don’t jerk from one example to another without referring back to the main idea.
Keep your transitions smooth and in order so that your reader will not be detracted from your main argument. Your thesis is also lackluster “For example the Treaty of Versailles…”. Try and make your intro preview what your argument will be about.
I also advise you to do what is called a funnel intro: begin with general details, then, at the end of your introduction, make your thesis extremely specific and relevant to the examples you will provide later. Your intro was only a few sentences where it should have been 4-6; please keep that in mind. The historical background you provide is sufficient as well; that was a strong point in your essay.
Please also work on your conclusion. I really did not like when you mentioned “people” there; what sort of people? “People” is vague and unsettling; remember you want to be specific and summarize what has been said previously. Sure, you can do the generic intro, 3 body paragraphs, and conclusion, but just make sure they transition smoothly and make sure you try your best on these essays.
Good luck, and remember to follow the criteria presented in the essay rubric; its what you’re being graded off of after all.
LMAO, dude. Take it how you will. I don’t know why OP uploaded a PDF of handwritten pages instead of typing it up (never seen anyone do this before). It’d be easier to read and critique if I could copy and paste instead of switching back and forth, peer at the handwriting, wonder if something’s supposed to be scratched out, wonder if he really spelled “world” wrong or if he just blended the L and the D together.
*s/he, I shouldn’t assume.