Can someone please grade my essay you'll enjoy reading it!!!!!!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Topic: Is it only when we are faced with adversity that we realized who we really are?</p>

<p>please give me in-depth analysis and how i can improve and where i can improve tremendously the sat's are next week and i want to get this down packed</p>

<p>Though many believe they can discover themselves through ease, this common misconception is false. It is only through adversity that humans are able to asses themselves in terms of abilities they possess. Throughout our lies we will face hardships, dilemmas, and challenges. How we handle these challenges is a true testament to our abilities. This notion has been revisited in many great novels and is prevalent throughout history.</p>

<p>Perhaps a great example of how through adversity we learn more about ourselves in seen in Oedepis Rex written by Sophecles around a thousand B.C. In Oedepis Rex, the protagonist Oedepis must come to the reality of his past. He seldom realizes how he is crowned king and it in only when he inquires more about his past by asking shepherds and sooth-sayers that Oedepis realizes who he is. Odeepis fulfills the prophecy of killing his father and coupling with his mother and thus leans what a horrid act he has committed. In the end Oedepis falls to his demise, but it isn’t before discovering who he is.</p>

<p>Another such novel is, “The Lost Sage,” by William Yon. In this epic novella we come to meet a seventy year old man who up till now has lived his life as a recluse suffering both alienation and castigation by the townspeople. For nearly fifty years this outlook towards him bothers him to the point of insanity. Then one day a vagabond who is just passing the town by asks the elderly man if he can stop at his cottage for a night. This form of assistance that the man provides to the traveler turns out to be of great asset to the elderly man. The elderly man learns of the travelers hardships and adversities throughout life. It is only then that the elderly man realizes what his true passion is and how he can achieve nirvana. Thus just as Oedepis comes to realize his identity so does the elderly man which is the real testament to his life.</p>

<p>Not only is theme recurring in literature, but it has constantly been observed in history as well. We can look towards the colonists during the American Revolution who initially didn’t believe that a rebellion would work but eventually realized that it did. It is only when the colonists are driven to extreme situations and tested tremendously by the British Government with the Stamp Act, Coercive Act and Navigation Acts that that they realizes they must act back. In so doing they not only wage a war but gain their freedom as well.</p>

<p>In conclusion it can be seen just as Oedepis, the elderly man and Colonist come to realize that through adversity they can discover themselves truly, so can anyone else.</p>

2

<p>5/12</p>

<p>Your examples are excellent, but the way in which you present them is not very insightful. In the example of Oedepis Rex, you don't directly say how adversity contributed to Oedepis' discovery of himself. You imply that killing his father led him to self-realization, but it is much better to just state this. I haven't read Oedepis Rex, but I think that a better last sentence for that paragraph would be something like: "Oedepis laments killing his father, but in the end, that remorseful act is what leads him to the discovery of who he really is." In the second example, you make it sound as though the traveler is what leads the elderly man to self-realization. The traveler is not one of the old man's hardships, so this somewhat contradicts your thesis. You should show a more direct correlation between the old man's fifty years of hardship and his self discovery. In the third example, you don't relate back to the topic. You say: "In so doing they not only wage a war but gain their freedom as well." Waging a war and gaining freedom is not the same as self-discovery. Something like: "Throughout the ensuing war, America struggled for freedom and in the process realized how great their nation really is." would be better.</p>

<p>Many parts of the essay are confusing. This can be attributed to:
1.) Random typoes--just ignore them
2.) misuse of words--idiomatic phrases, misspelling words, and such
3.) confusing or convoluted sentences--incorrect phrasing, run-on sentences, and the like</p>

<p>1.) It's very confusing when you say "thus" instead of "this" or "in" instead of "is," mainly because they're real words and I don't know if you mistyped or are using incorrect English. I'm sure you mean "assess" instead of "asses", lol. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one. </p>

<p>2.)From top to bottom here are the errors in usage and one possible solution w/ a short explanation:
"through ease" --> "with ease"; it's just always phrased that way
"this common misconception is false" --> "this is a common misconception" or "this conception is false"; redundant--if it's a misconception, you already know it's false; first solution is better than the second, but both work
"notion" --> "fact"; notion implies that it is just an idea and may or may not be correct
"He seldom realizes how he is crowned king..." --> "He doesn't realizes why he is crowned king..."; seldom implies that sometimes he does know who he is; why is correct usage because you are talking about the reasons, not the process.
"novella" --> "novellette"; misspelled
"up till now" --> "until now"; "up till" works, but is colloquial, which the SAT people don't want
"The elderly man learns of the travelers hardships and adversities throughout life." --> "The elderly man learns of the traveler's hardships and adversities throughout his life."; traveler possesses hardships; you aren't referring to life in general, but the traveler's life specifically, so "his" is needed
"It is only when the colonists are driven to extreme situations and tested tremendously..." --> "It is only when the colonists were driven to extreme situations and tested tremendously"; past tense, so you use "were"
At the top: "the sat's are next week and i want to get this down packed
" --> "the sat's are next week and i want to get this down pat"; "pat" is the correct word, I even looked it up on dictionary.com to make sure</p>

<p>3.) From top to bottom here are the errors regarding confusing sentences and one possible solution w/ a short explanation:
"through adversity we learn more about ourselves" --> "we learn more about ourselves through adversity"; original is slightly confusing
"Odeepis fulfills the prophecy of killing his father and coupling with his mother and thus leans what a horrid act he has committed." --> ???; I don't know what you're trying to say here
"...passing the town by asks..." --> "...passing by the town asks..."; it's just the way they want it, lol
"This form of assistance that the man provides to the traveler turns out to be of great asset to the elderly man." --> "The assistance that the man provides to the traveler turns out to be of great aid to the elderly man."; conciseness is always valued; "asset" may work here, I'm not entirely sure
"...which is the real testament to his life." --> delete; this is not necessary, and it creates a run-on sentence that detracts from the essay
"Not only is theme recurring in literature, but..." --> "Not only does this theme recur in literature, but..."; you need this (maybe a typo); flows better with "does...recur"
Your conclusion is kind of weak, but I don't think that is anything you should focus on right now.</p>

<p>If you fix your usage, it will help you a lot. You obviously have a good vocabulary and using the little words correctly will make it stand out much more.</p>

<p>I hope I helped and wasn't too confusing.</p>

<p>C'mon, taggart and paying3tuitions, you should grade this, too...</p>

3

<p>Remembering that the score represents two different scorers who'd read your essay, I think a little better than lin's 2+3, since to get a 2 from a reader means somewhat thought your essay was practically incoherent! It's better than that.
I'd say 3+4 = 7 total, or perhaps 4+4 = 8 total, out of 12.</p>

<p>Lin's individual corrections are useful, indeed. I often wonder if when a scorere reads an essay that is likely English-Second-Language, but the logic and thought are top-quality, if they'll overlook mistakes in usage. YOu can't overcome that in a week, so let's work on your logical power and presentation in hopes of best score next Saturday.</p>

<p>You have a good opening thesis and 3 worthy examples.</p>

<p>You need to take your insights about your examples up to a higher level. The way to do that is, each time, after each example, read it and say, "Did I PROVE my opening thesis?"</p>

<p>So I looked carefully at your opening thesis, which was so promising. It has two main parts:
(part one)Throughout our lives we will face hardships, dilemmas, and challenges.
(part two) How we handle these challenges is a true testament to our abilities.</p>

<p>In each of your examples, you did prove part one. You described, in pleasant narratiion, the exact "hardship, dilemma or challenge" faced by Oedepus, old man, and the colonists. </p>

<p>But you didn't push each paragraph up to the level of dealing with part two of your thesis. An example of doing that would be to have gotten really deep into it and written something like this: The real tragedy of Oedepus is that he chose the violent act of murder, when he could have chosen other paths that demonstrated self-restraint, remorse or moral reflection. When challenged, he did not act in the highest, noblest ways humans can achieve. Thus, he fell short of his best abilities." (7yearman, Do you see how that goes deeper and addresses the second, deeper part of your thesis? It's more than telling what Oedepus did...it's evaluating it, critiquing it, saying whether it was his "best" or not..which is what your thesis set me up for!!)</p>

<p>I think you were RIGHT to put forward that two-part thesis. Don't eliminate "part two"--just LIVE UP TO IT.</p>

<p>Follow through.</p>

<p>You're getting there, really.</p>

4

<p>And if doing that means you only have time to go into depth for 2 examples, that's better than doing a half-baked job on the third example b/c you see you're running out of time!</p>

5

<p>hey, lin, good job of editing!!!!</p>

6

<p>Bah, I'll give it a 6. I forgot the lowest was 2/12... was thinking "one less than half," but I guess that's 6, in reality.</p>

<p>And what paying3tuitions said about rushing on an example is completely correct. It was apparent that you were hurrying to get done on that third example and conclusion... But I refuse to cut you any slack!</p>

7

<p>ditto with people above. 7/12 though. One thought though: Spend more time relating the examples to the issue than just stating them.</p>

8

<p>Yeah, watch out for me. I'm an easy scorer. I taught First and Second grade (but also saw my own kids through this process). Anyway, I tend to be a cheering squad. You wish you had me scoring your stuff.</p>

9

<p>This is very helpful:</p>

<p>It helps to see what the SAT scorers think is a terrible, okay and great essay. </p>

<p>To see a range of examples, all graded 1-6, see this collegeboard link. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the sample essays.</p>

<p>I can't write it out in a line, b/c this site somehow cuts it off, so i'll put it in a column, but you type it out as a line:</p>

<p>collegeboard.com/
student/
testing/
sat/
prep_one/
essay/
pracStart.html</p>