Can someone PLEASE score my essay ?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Assignment: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Response:</p>

<p>We,as humans, who make up vast and diverse societies, live in a time where anything and everything can be expressed. Any person is now capable of disclosing his thoughts to a people or culture he or she has never physically come in contact with. But in a world where socializing and self-expression have reached their peak, should people make an effort to keep some things private? There are two main viewpoints which are concerned with this question. </p>

<p>The first viewpoint regards the recent increase in social interaction as an epidemic that has taken the world by storm. It considers humans as a beings who need to to have individuality through the privacy of their own thoughts. Therefore, this party or school of thought rejects the overwhelming pressure that society has placed on the individual to ''open up'' to the world about almost every aspect of his life. It is evident that this school places great emphasis on keeping primary aspects of one's life private. ( The most prominent of which being family relations, intimate social connections etc..)</p>

<p>The other viewpoint is considered the exact opposite of the one presented above. It considers social media and all new technological means of socializing a way of connecting humans through nothing more than the absolute truth. This truth includes everything that would have been kept private by the above party. It highly esteems the power of full openness in controlling and refining social stability. In short, if nothing is private, nothing is hidden from anyone, including the government and law enforcement.</p>

<p>To conclude, whether a person should make an effort to keep some things private is subject to a lot of controversy. In spite of humans' nature to socialize and exchange information, how much information is too much ? In my humble opinion, I stand with the first viewpoint which draws a thick red line when it comes to private relations and actions that are essentially the individual's property and no one else's, not even society.</p>

<p>PS: THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME :D</p>

2

<p>Ok, I’m going to be a bit harsh, but only because it frustrates me that a person who is as good of a writer as you, has made so many mistakes in approaching this SAT essay. It feels like you are over-thinking this. You don’t have to be so politically correct. The College Board WANTS you to take a side, because they want to see how well you can write an argument essay and logically support your arguments, using real-life examples and logic. </p>

<p>1).You NEED TO TAKE A SIDE! Your intro paragraph just basically talks about the fact that people can share a lot these days, and that there are two sides to consider. You ONLY say what YOUR standpoint is at the very end of the conclusion paragraph. </p>

<p>2).You also don’t use examples taken from YOUR experiences, or other studies, observations, literature, society, or history. When you are discussing both your viewpoints, you never mention any of the “schools of thought” by name, never mention any people, quotes, groups, movements, dates, etc. </p>

<p>It’s difficult for me to say what this essay would get, since it doesn’t fulfill what the prompt is asking you. I want to say a 4-5, but just because it IS well-written. Keep in mind that SAT essay readers have only about 1-2 minutes to read your essay. They skim it, looking to see if you hit all the required points, and to judge your writing skill. Your writing skill is there, but not much else. Obviously, the issue here isn’t your writing ability. You need to feel confident enough to pick one side and explain your standpoint in a structured, logical way. </p>

<p>The basic formula for an SAT Essay is this:</p>

<p>1) Intro Paragraph
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Thesis statement, saying you AGREE or DISAGREE and WHY.
b. 2-4 supporting sentences, BRIEFLY outlining your three examples
2) Body Paragraph One - with Example 1
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 1
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 1 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 1 up (if applicable can also set up for Example 2)
3) Body Paragraph Two - with Example 2
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 2
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 2 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 1 up (if applicable can also set up for Example 3)
4) Body Paragraph Three - with Example 3
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 3
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 3 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 1 up
5) Conclusion Paragraph
a. Transition into the conclusion
b. Wrap everything up, restate (in different wording) your original argument, include a “food for thought” sentence like a quote, saying, etc to conclude. </p>

<p>It’s always a good idea to use a CONCRETE personal experience. For example, for this prompt, one of my students wrote about the time she and her friends were talking loudly on the metro in London about the (rather expensive) clothing they had bought on a shopping trip. As a result, one of her friends got pick-pocketed. This was a personal example that support my student’s argument that sharing too much personal information is not good and can in fact hurt us. </p>

<p>Remember, the College Board is not a court room. They are not asking you to write the essays in order to be convinced of the <em>absolute</em> truth to the essay prompt. They DON’T CARE WHETHER YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE. All they care about is whether or not you can support your argument in a logical way using concrete examples. </p>

3

<p>Thanks a lot… I posted this essay here because I wasn’t sure what structure I’m supposed to follow, but now I know thanks to you. I will try to make another essay and maybe post it here to see if I improve (structure-wise). Our essay structure here in school is quite different from that of the SAT’s and I’m glad I started the thread cuz otherwise I might have gotten a low grade just because I didn’t follow the guidelines.</p>

4

<p>Yes, the SAT essay is a VERY structured essay, and the point is to show that you can support your argument (whatever it may be). It’s definitely NOT creative writing! Since you only have 25 minutes to read the prompt AND write your essay, they’re looking for a clear, structured essay that demonstrates you can think logically and explain your side logically. Good luck! :)</p>

5

<p>I realized I made a typo…… For the body paragraphs, at items C. It should NOT say “1 sentence to wrap Example up” for all of them. for your Example 1 paragraph, wrap Example 1 up, but for your Example 2 paragraph wrap Example 2 up, and for your Example 3 paragraph wrap Example 3 up.</p>

<p>Below is the corrected structure</p>

<p>1) Intro Paragraph
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Thesis statement, saying you AGREE or DISAGREE and WHY.
b. 2-4 supporting sentences, BRIEFLY outlining your three examples
2) Body Paragraph One - with Example 1
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 1
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 1 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 1 up (if applicable can also set up for Example 2)
3) Body Paragraph Two - with Example 2
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 2
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 2 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 2 up (if applicable can also set up for Example 3)
4) Body Paragraph Three - with Example 3
a. FIRST SENTENCE = Transition into stating your Example 3
b. 3-4 supporting sentences explaining why your Example 3 supports your argument
c. 1 sentence wrapping Example 3 up
5) Conclusion Paragraph
a. Transition into the conclusion
b. Wrap everything up, restate (in different wording) your original argument, include a “food for thought” sentence like a quote, saying, etc to conclude.</p>

6

<p>This is the new essay, I hope it’s better than the previous one </p>

<p>The only thing that makes the social nature of society bearable is the human capacity of individuality and to some extent, secrecy. People nowadays should assuredly make an effort to keep things private. This is primarily due to the recent advancements in hacking personal information, ranging from the most trivial to the most critical, in addition to the recent emphasis that society has placed on how precious information is and the risk of certain facts being misinterpreted through the ever-growing chain of gossip and rumors.
We all know how far technology has come in the last two decades. Virtually any person’s private information can be gathered through the skilled minds of hackers. And with the growth of social media websites such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, not only can your information be hacked, but it can also be twisted and changed if your account‘s credentials are in the hands of a cyber-criminal. However, this problem is not limited to social media sites. In fact, it crosses over to the newly digitized and modernized Banks that think their systems are fully secure from the above-mentioned hackers. The contrary is unfortunately proven as thousands of accounts are hacked worldwide on a daily basis.
Moreover, the above examples show us how precious information has become in our age. In the past, let’s say 500 years ago, people didn’t care about bank account numbers, which nobleman is dating which noblewoman or how to spread something scandalous about a certain person or firm. They had more important things to think about like if they will have enough food for the winter, or if their village was going to be invaded by the neighboring one. On the other hand, our society thrives on information and this is evident in how obsessed we have become with our cellphones, TVs , Tablets E-books etc…Wars are no longer waged on a physical front as often as they were, but on a digital one that targets every single person’s private information.
The third reason why privacy is necessary has been existent throughout millennia and I dare to say it is quite universal and timeless. The risk of gossip and rumors that mostly stretch and twist the facts is a sufficient reason for keeping things private. No one wants his neighborhood to know about how he cheated on his wife, or even worse. The man might be, for example, helping out a female relative and people might see the two from a different perspective and interpret things as they saw. The results become catastrophic without anything bad happening.
In a nutshell, people must definitely try to keep things private. There are things that are just not supposed to be exposed the public. I myself belief that privacy is the very fabric that holds society together, since one cannot argue that people need one form of secrecy or another. The dangers that society has imposed on privacy are real and people should always make an effort to keep things private.</p>