<p>Assignment- Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>
<p>Essay</p>
<pre><code>People should make an effort to keep their lives more private. As our society progresses further into this technological age, we are able to do things never thought possible 100 years ago. Sadly, there are unforeseen downfalls such as: hacking, scamming, identity theft and forging. For these reasons, it becomes imperative that people begin to keep important information safe and not carelessly posting it on the web.
Today there are many sites that allow us do unthinkable such as online dating and social media. However, many of these sites require personal information. You may think of it lightly, but by inserting your personal information, at least one person on our planet knows your address, credit card number, social security number, phone number and postal code. A good example is “Facebook” a social media site allowing people to share photos and information. It has become one of the most visited sites on the internet. Like many others it requires your personal information, but the issue is anyone can access your profile allowing people to view your pictures and your personal information. This leads to cases of Cyber-Bullying and Cyber-Harassing.
As our technology gets better people get smarter too. There are resources on the web that allow anyone to hack, infect or D-DOS other devices around the world with a click of a button. By knowing this people have to be extremely selective in where they insert their information. On April 20, 2011 the inconceivable happened Sony’s PlayStation Network was hacked by an unknown group, causing 2 weeks of server maintenance leading to international outrage. This group obtained over 77 million people’s personal information, leaving many baffled at how a big corporation was so easily hacked. This left many people wondering if such a huge corporation was hacked what about all the smaller websites and smaller companies.
As the famous quote states “For every good thing there's an equal bad thing.” We are blessed with new technology that allows us to communicate half way across the world. The downfall is there are people who can see and access personal information on sites like “Facebook,” “MySpace” and Youtube. For these reasons I believe people must protect their personal information.
<p>Hi! I’m too lazy to read all of it, sorry. BUT I did glimpse over it.
A few suggestions:
1st pp:
The first sentence- maybe you want to rephrase it so that it isn’t exactly the same as the prompt question?
Last sentence- I think… you can remove “begin to”</p>
<p>2ndpp:
Last sentence:
You might need to explain D-DOS; what it stands for.
I don’t think those cases have to be capitalized. But I’m not sure.</p>
<p>3rd pp:
Add a period to sentence…4?</p>
<p>4th pp: You may want to move that quote to the 1st sentence of the 1st paragraph and add a little more to the 4th pp… But make sure it has substance</p>
<p>OVERALL: 9/10! Good job! Only a few errors, really.</p>
<p>I read it . You used good examples . The first one was great . But I see that you can come up with more Powerful examples . In particular ,the second one . Especially the first one was about technology as well .</p>
<p>and there’s what I may call ( FATAL mistake ) in the conclusion . You Digressed from talking about privacy to discussing the pros and cons of Technology . I would prefer more Straight and Direct Conclusion </p>
<p>In general , I gave it a score of 4 . But I can see from the coherence and the varied structures you used in the essay that you can score more .</p>
<p>I will give a score of 7 . U need to have three examples two get a two digit mark. The first example is perfect, the second example is also on technology which will make the essay weaker. U can choose one example about technology the second about history and the third about literature or current events. The intro is perfect while the conclusion needs improvement. U need to restate the thesis statement in other words in the conclusion. U can easily get a 10 or 11 if u can get strong examples and make a better conclusion</p>
<p>Just to respond to Mitcho, there is no rule stating that three examples are necessary for a good argument. A lot of test prep teachers/tutors suggest 3 examples because it follows the format of a five-paragraph essay.</p>
<p>Teaching students how to write a five-paragraph essay is a lot easier than teaching students how to write effectively. </p>
<p>I would give your essay 4/6. (Readers should score out of 6, as that’s how actual essay graders will score your essay) Your essay starts out strong, but slowly digresses from your thesis. You should always tie back your examples to your main point. Your examples are great, but had you delved further into the ramifications of each example, your essay would have scored a 5.</p>
<p>You may benefit from spending 30 seconds to plan your essay before your start writing to try to avoid digression.</p>