Can someone read my UC Essay (Prompt #1)

<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>My essay is below (each paragraph is separated by a space in between; total words: 496)</p>

<p>When I was a child, my mother would frequently take me to a wondrous place where I could find monsters, warriors, animals, cars, and various other things one could think of… all safely contained within the pages of books. This place, my local library, served as a source of knowledge, entertainment, and inspiration for me. However, as I progressed through elementary school, it came to serve me in another way: It helped me decide my future.</p>

<p>One day in fourth grade, as I was browsing the library for something good to read, I came across a nonfiction book about robots. I did not know much about robots at this time, and the only robots I had ever seen were fictional ones on TV shows like “Transformers”. After skimming through the book, I decided that it was worthy of my reading and checked it out. Upon perusing the book at home, I became intrigued by the various robots pictured in the book and the processes by which they were built. It was surprising to me how such autonomous machines existed in the world outside of fiction. “Wow!” I thought. “It would definitely be cool to work with robots like these when I grow up!”</p>

<p>When I returned the book to the library two weeks later, I was eager to check out more books about robots, and I ended up leaving the library that day with a whole stack of robot books. As I read the books, my knowledge and interest in robotics increased. I learned facts like how some people use robots to perform tasks that are either too dangerous or too difficult for human beings to do and how people can turn cars into robots. I imagined myself as a robotics engineer, constructing my own robot and giving “life” to it.</p>

<p>Intent on becoming a robotics engineer in the future, I set out to learn as much as I could about robotics, computers, and engineering. Whenever I could, I visited the library in search of the information I desired. Not only did the library provide me with books that would help me learn more about computers and robotics engineering, but it also provided me with many other books that assisted me in my work in school. Along with the help of my uncle Wilfred, the library helped me figure out how could more expose myself to the field of robotics and how I could increase my chances of being accepted into the college I wanted. As a result, I eventually enrolled in many summer classes that taught me about robotics, computers, and engineering and purchased a Lego Mindstorms robotics kit for myself.</p>

<p>Although I do not visit my local library as often I as I did when I was in elementary school and middle school, I will always remember the times I spent in the library prior to my entry into high school, and I will always cherish the knowledge that it had bestowed upon me.</p>

<p>No offense but it seems really cliche and is boring to read.</p>

<p>Could you give a few suggestions?</p>

<p>Oh, and by the way, the reason why did not write this about my family is because my family did not “shape my dreams and aspirations”.</p>

<p>When I was a child, my mother would frequently take me to a wondrous place where I could find monsters, warriors, animals, cars, and various other things one could think of… all safely contained within the pages of books. This place, my local library, served as a source of knowledge, entertainment, and inspiration for me. However, as I progressed through elementary school, it came to serve me in another way: It helped me decide my future.</p>

<p>The world I come from is a wondrous place replete with gargantuan monsters, mighty warriors, exotic animals, and every other arcane species unknown to man. This is not a place you can look up in the Yellow Pages or find vividly portrayed in 3-D images at your local movie theater. It is a place found in the recesses of my soul, snugly tugged in to capture and reveal each special page and chapter of my life. This place has long served as a vibrant source of knowledge, entertainment, and inspiration; most importantly, the local library, my own special world, has been the force that has opened up a new future for me in the field of child pedophilia. </p>

<p>(lol j/p about the last part) hope this helps</p>

<p>I think it’s good. You have a nice spare writing style. I think in the last two paragraphs, you should kind of leave the library behind and talk more about the classes and any more recent projects that really excited you.</p>

<p>Don’t waste words on facts about robots unless you can link that to why you are interested in them. There’s a point where this almost tips into a science report.</p>

<p>But if I start talking more about the classes, wouldn’t I be digressing from my main point (the library)? I mean, I AM using the library to represent my “world”.</p>

<p>Btw, sorry if I sound a little stubborn, but as the UC essays are my first round of college application essays, I want to learn the reasoning behind your feedback so that I would have better judgement in my future essays.</p>

<p>Your main point isn’t the library. Your main point is that since childhood you have loved robotics. The library stuff is your jumping off point, and the literary device that ties the essay together, but it isn’t the subject. The library opened you up your “world,” and you should show them how that has played out in the person you are now. It isn’t your world per se.</p>

<p>So in that case, do you think I should talk about the classes I took in my first paragraph and last paragraph so that the first paragraph and last paragraph are not all about the library?</p>

<p>I don’t think you need it in the first paragraph. I’d add something about life after the library, and then tie it together in the conclusion. I would emphasize less about how much you cherished your library days and more about how your “world” has grown beyond the library as you have gained knowlege and maturity.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>