Can you score this essay?

College Essays
1

<p>This is a practice essay prompt and my essay from the SAT.
Can you please score this essay and give me some feedback? I would like reasons for your scores so that I can improve.</p>

<p>Prompt:
Is it better to focus on your own good or that of others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My Essay:
It is more important to focus on the good of others rather than on the good of yourself. The good of others is the greater good, and this will eventually benefit each and every individual. Harry Potter and Robert Fulton are both experts on focusing on the greater good.</p>

<p>Harry Potter was a wizard whose main goal was to destroy Voldemort, the immortal murderer. After the destruction of Voldemort in Harry's seventh year at his school, everyone was safe once more. Harry had begun the Horcrux hunt because he knew he had to focus on the good of others. If he had focused on his own good, he wouldn't have risked his life to help bring down the dark wizard. In the end, Harry received benefits just like his friends and family; safety and peace were among those.</p>

<p>In the Industrial Revolution, Robert Fulton invented the steamboat. This vehicle made transportation of goods much easier, therefore promoting production and consumption of those goods. Not only did the economy of the United States grow, benefiting buyers and sellers alike, but Fulton acquired his share of the profits from those who bought steamboats. Fulton's help to the country led to his own good as well as the others'.</p>

<p>Focusing on the good of others is definitely an important thing to do, and when goals to benefit the greater good are accomplished, everyone is better off. Harry Potter demonstrated this by risking his life for the safety of others, and Robert Fulton's steamboat not only made transportation better, but it also earned him money. Thus, it is more important to focus on the good of others than on the good of yourself.</p>

2

<p>Weak. </p>

<p>A) the utilitarian argument is overrated. It doesn’t take into considering personal responsibilities. That is to say the greater good argument would say it’s better to let your own children go hungry if the money would feed more starving kids in Africa.</p>

<p>B) You need examples from your own life. Not random stuff from history and fiction.</p>

3

<p>All I had to read was the introductory sentence… needs some work.</p>