Please grade it

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I had written this essay under 25 minutes in a real SAT essay paper. This is from the Bluebook's second edition.</p>

<p>Prompt:
Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expect that the government- rather than individuals- should always come up with solutions to society's ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency. </p>

<p>Assignment: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>ESSAY STARTS: </p>

<p>Men make history, future and present. Throughout history, people, not governments, have made history by giving speeches, leading campaigns and making wars. Had these historical figures waited for their governments to make reforms, nothing would have happened. Today, people have to imitate those figures to achieve change and fix what they don’t like about their societies. Figures like John Locke, John Brown and Martin Luther King Jr. have proven how the life of one man can impact those of others.</p>

<p>In the dawn of the French Revolution, ideas of freedom and rights given by God were prevalent. Such liberal ideas were spread by a group of philosophers who sought change in their societies. John Locke is perhaps the most famous of that group. Locke Believed that men were given the natural rights of liberty, life and property. He also believed that God gave these rights and that, therefore, they cannot be taken away by anybody. His ideas were called for by the French people. He did not wait for the government to make the changes. Instead, he acted on his own to make change. Today, many believe that he had changed the face of France for good.</p>

<p>Another example that proves my main thesis is John Brown and his life of dedication towards slaves. Brown was an abolitionist who had given his life for the rights of the minorities. In 1859, Brown led wars and killed five planters, men who owned large amounts of slaves. He led campaigns and fought vehemently until he was captured and executed. Brown is today regarded as a hero that has given the life of his to those of others. He did not wait for his government to abolish slavery; he helped doing so himself.</p>

<p>From a great figure to another, Martin Luther King and his contributions towards the freedom of slaves are not to be neglected. King had a profound impact on the lives of Americans by leading campaigns, holding boycott and giving speeches. He had dreams that he did not wait for the government to make reality; instead, he fought for them himself until he was assassinated. His life is truly an epitome of how people should make changes in their societies. </p>

<p>All in all, nobody had ever contributed to the life we live today but we, the people, for we ought to take matters into our own hands and impact what surrounds us. “Never believe that a few caring people cannot change the world. For, that’s indeed all who ever have”- Margaret Mead.</p>

<p>ESSAY ENDS.</p>

<p>Please grade and provide comments.</p>

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<p>Hey! I’ll take the opportunity to grade it with some commentary. I’ll start with the essay and go bit by bit in terms of what could be fixed.</p>

<p>** “Men make history, future and present. Throughout history, people, not governments, have made history by giving speeches, leading campaigns and making wars.”**</p>

<p>The essay’s hook is effective; it begins to answer the prompt by talking about what people, rather than governments, accomplish. Furthermore, it leaves you several avenues to explore and expound on in both the opening paragraph and the essay at length. However, the second sentence is redundant with your hook because you use the phrase “make history” twice. Also, you use a form of the verb “make” three times in the first two sentences. “Make” is one of English’s vaguest verbs; there is almost always a stronger choice. For example, “waging wars” is a stronger choice. I accept that “making history” is a colloquialism, and thus an effective choice. I understand that you wrote this essay in 25 minutes – I hate that time constraint because it doesn’t produce representative writing. However, stronger action verb choice would be a great addition to the piece.</p>

<p>** “In the dawn of the French Revolution, ideas of freedom and rights given by God were prevalent.” **</p>

<p>“In the dawn of” and “In the wake of” are both cliched prepositional phrases and are weak choices to begin paragraphs with. Prepositional phrases are, in some instances, useful, but often serve only to add extra words. A much stronger choice is to start mid-action. For example:</p>

<p>* "A grassroots coup d’</p>

3

<p>Because I can’t respond to your private message (I don’t have enough posts on site), I’ll answer here. I will happily look at a few more of your essays to critique them.</p>

4

<p>Assignment: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>ESSAY BEGINS </p>

<p>Nothing motivates us to get up in the morning but our endless task of achieving either fortune or fame, or that’s at least what the cynical ones of us think. Conscience, or the so-called inner voice of right and wrong, is one reason for some of us to do what we do each and every day. Although this voice is usually not heeded to, those who had listened to it have achieved great things in life and even some of them were perpetuated by history, for conscience has always been the most powerful of motives. </p>

<p>Susan B.Anthony is one of the most effective activists in the history of women’s rights. She co-founded the women’s rights journal called “The Revolution”, gave hundreds of speeches and fought vehemently for the women’s suffrage. Her contributions to that cause are so many that her birthday, the 15th of February, is celebrated in some states like Wisconsin. Anthony’s motive had not been neither fortune nor fame; rather, it had been nothing but the sense of duty towards other women and her pure conscience. </p>

<p>John Brown, an abolitionist who had given his life to the sake of slaves, had not been motivated by money either. In Harpers Ferry, Brown was, after many years of successful efforts to his cause, captured and executed. Brown did not give his life for anything that is worldly, for only a fool dies for such secular purposes. He was, instead, motivated by conscience. A conscience so powerful and pure that he died listening to.</p>

<p>From one great figure to another, John Locke is not to be forgotten when pure consciences are mentioned. Locke fought the corrupt government of Louis XVI so roughly that some regard him today as the voice of France under dictatorship. Locke followed nothing but his conscience and enlightened the people of France, telling them of the natural rights, he believed, were given to them by God. Neither fortune nor fame led John locke either. </p>

<p>With that being said, it is only cynical to think that only fortune and fame motivate us. People give their lives listening to their conscience in some instances. Furthermore with all of these historical figures being mentioned, it is safe to say that, indeed, conscience is more powerful than money, fame and power.</p>

<p>ENDS</p>