<p>Steel–
I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. Having supported several friends through similar experiences, I know that it is incredibly stressful.</p>
<p>What popped out for me in what you wrote was that you have been supporting your child through school from the beginning…</p>
<p>I’m wondering whether your son has ever been evaluated for ADHD. Poor time management, difficulty with follow through, difficulty completing work that isn’t high interest, and immaturity can all be signs of ADD inattentive type. Many bright students can compensate for these difficulties when they are at home and their lives are structured, but fall apart at college when they have to structure their own lives.</p>
<p>Whether ADD is involved or not, it seems like your son wants the freedom that college offers but either doesn’t accept or isn’t able to handle the responsibility. I have always believed that they go together, and if you can’t or won’t handle the responsibility then you don’t get the freedom. I know that it is trickier with young adults–they can reject our expectations. But we don’t have to fund their freedom if they aren’t fulfilling their responsibilities.</p>
<p>These are hard, hard issues to be dealing with. My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>I knew a bunch of guys – I mean not a few, but MANY, who were HUGE partiers at my top 50 college. Looking back, I don’t know how they made it through. Some of them were on academic probation at one time or another. Some of their friends had to leave, or were thrown out. A wild bunch. Flash forward. Most of them are rich, or close to it (some not). All had marginal grades. One of them is fabulously rich – and he was the biggest wild man in the bunch. A lot of their social skills were honed at those booze and drug-filled parties. I don’t approve – at all. However, what I am telling you is true. I bet a lot of these guys had ADD, dyslexia, or something. I always think that people don’t just blow off school – there is usually a reason. Anyway, that big tuition bill might have looked like a waste to their parents, but there are big lessons to learn at a top school which have nothing to do with performance in the classroom. In the long run, most of these kids did well (and lucky for them - luck that they might not enjoy in today’s legal environment - they were never put in jail or killed in an accident or something).</p>
<p>That being said, I would stand back and let him fail out. Let it be on him. If you intervene, he’ll blame it on you (and through your involvement, you will possibly have denied him the very lesson which could shock him onto a better path long-term). He also might just hold on and stick it out, graduating with awful grades. I still think he could get some good things out of being there if he can just graduate. If not, he’ll learn a lesson. If he does fail out, let HIM figure out what to do or where to go next.</p>
<p>You say that you don’t have the luxury of being a friend, but must be the parent. Of course that is a wise approach, but your role has shifted a great deal. Right now, you can’t be as much of a parent as you used to.</p>
<p>I would just let the lack of contact thing go (many parents struggle in this area – apparently texting is a good strategy). You want, long term, to have a relationship with this kid no matter what he does with his life. You want him, with his wife and kids, at your Thanksgiving table. Take the long-term approach. Lose the battle, but win the war.</p>
<p>There are two problems with this situation. 1)The son is behaving in a competely irresponsible way. 2) The parents are suffocating him. The solution is really, really simple. Have him drop out before he flunks out and have him get a job insisting that he start to pay back the $32000 he blew. Then leave him alone until he grows up. If he wants to go to college, let him pay for it. I see helicopters parents like steel all the time and they do their children no favors by infantalizing them. Steel has exactly the child he raised. If he wants different results, he need to use different tactics, including letting his son deal with the ramifications of his own actions. Do your kid a favor – back off and let him grow up and that includes failing.</p>
<p>I have listened very carefully to each word from each and every one of you and here is the latest development. Yes, the “filing-missing-persons” report tactic worked like a charm [Thank you], he replied within 2 hours of my text message, so he came home on the weekend and I got the report form his counselors and we had a very pleasant long discussion.</p>
<pre><code>Regarding his schoolwork, he was on a waiting list for this one class and did not know that he had gotten the approval, it’s only when another student he knew told him that the teacher kept asking for him that he found out but had missed the first 2 weeks and that was the report I got, the other class, he was using his laptop to take notes and the teacher felt that he was being distracted by this. So far, after hearing from his counselors who heard from all of his teachers he is not in “immediate” danger of failing out but has to really do some work if he is to make it. His two counselors have told me that from on they will request a weekly report from all of his teachers and will report back to me so they have taken a huge burden off of my shoulders.
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<p>Yes, the kid had been diagnosed years ago for ADHD and was on stratera but got off it becuase he felt like a “zombie” when on it. So we had the talk about communication and he told me to go back to last year’s schedule and call him every Friday evening which worked very well last year, I explained to him that if and when I am to call him on any other day besides a Friday then that means it’s important so he should return my call immediately, to this he agreed and so far it seems to be working, what he told me is that text-messaging is the best way for me to contact him so I will be using that method from now on. He has also begun visiting the counselors on time which is a major step in the right direction. BTW, he got a very serious tongue-lashing from one of the counselors so there was no need for me to do it.</p>
<pre><code>I was always told that in College “no one will hold your hand”, you have to go it alone but thank God for these two dedicated counselors who refused to give up on him even when I suggested that they back off and let him do this on his own. I guess I am extremely lucky, they have made my life easier and I think my son will actually pull this off with their help, will keep you guys up to speed, really appreciate each and every post everyone, thanks.
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<p>Glad to hear things are on track. Boy, you sure got advice up one side and down the other. Sounds like you’re doing a great job…and it’s good to hear that the “support systems” that are in place at colleges really do work. And the “tongue lashing” from the counselor helped keep you from being the bad guy…with lots of kids, hearing it from someone else results in much more of the message getting through. That “parent filter” they put on when we talk seems to send “blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda” into their young minds.</p>
<p>Hey, some colleges really do take a hands-on approach with their student support and monitoring.
My son had a friend who went to a small LAC, and here’s his story- One day he decided to sleep in and not attend his early morning class. The teacher, upon noticing he was missing, had another student run over to his dorm (must be a pretty small campus), wake him up, and tell him to get his hide over to class. Not THAT’S curbside service, when your prof gets you out of bed in the morning to come to class!</p>